A Play About Nobody and Nothing

A doorbell rings. Cavillace, the Mutant Draik, rises from a straight-backed wooden chair to answer it. Krawkawk, the Darigan Krawk, enters.

Krawkawk: Hello, my old friend. It’s really been too long. We have a lot to catch up on.

Cavillace: You’re right about that. Won’t you have a seat?

Krawkawk heads for the comfy, overstuffed chair.

C: Oh no, not there. Anywhere but there.

Krawkawk looks at the two empty wooden chairs, and looks back at the Draik with confusion. Pointing to the comfy chair, she asks:

K: Is that chair broken?

C: No.

K: Dirty?

C: No.

K: Occupied? Ha ha.

C: Well, Nobody is sleeping there.

K: I can see that.

C: Can you? That’s odd.

K: Yes, it is odd.

C: ...

K: ...

C: Please have a seat; I’d love to hear what you’ve been up to.

Krawkawk takes a step toward the comfy, overstuffed chair once more.

C: Please, not there. Like I said, Nobody is sitting there.

K: Nobody is sitting there?

C: Nobody sits there a lot. It’s a great chair to fall asleep in.

K: If it’s such a great chair, why isn’t anybody allowed to sit in it?

C: Hmmm. I guess because I don’t know “Anybody”.

K: You don’t know anybody? You must know somebody.

C: Hmmm, I don’t think so.

K: You know nobody?

C: That’s right. Nobody lives here, actually.

K: Except you, of course.

C: Except I, what?

K: Well, you live here, right?

C: That’s right. Just me and Nobody.

K: And nobody’s in that chair right now?

C: Yep.

K: And if I sat in that chair, nobody would get sat on?

C: Yep again.

K: So what’s the worst that would happen if I did sit there?

C: Well, if you sat there, Nobody would get squished...

K: Right...

C: And if Nobody got squished, probably Nobody would scream.

K: Naturally. How could anybody scream if nobody is there?

C: Well, like I said, I don’t know “Anybody”, but certainly Nobody would scream if you sat there.

K: Right. So why can’t I sit there?

C: Because Nobody is sleeping there.

K: Are you saying that I could only sit in that chair if somebody was sleeping there? That doesn’t make any sense.

C: Um, no, that wouldn’t make any sense, would it? If Somebody comes by, they could always take a nap upstairs, I guess, while Nobody is sleeping in that chair.

K: Yeah, I guess...

C: ...

K: ...

C: So, would you like to have a seat? I’d really love to catch up on old times.

K: I remember you as being a bit more... hospitable. A bit more... rational.

C: I remember you as being a bit more... friendly yourself. Why would you even want to sit in the chair with Nobody in it?

K: Wait. Are you asking me to share a chair with you? How could we even fit on that chair?

C: No... um, I’m offering you your pick of these two chairs.

K: But there’s nobody in that comfy looking chair, right?

C: That’s right, I think you’ve got it now.

K: And nobody is sitting on these chairs, too, right?

C: Well, no, how could that be? Nobody is in that chair.

K: Uh huh, and nobody is on these chairs...

C: Wait. Do you, maybe, see “Somebody” on one of these chairs?

K: Of course not.

C: And you don’t see “Anybody” on one of these chairs?

K: No, like I said, I don’t see anybody at all.

C: Oh, okay. I just wondered, because like I said, I don’t know “Anybody”. Just Nobody.

K (under breath): I’m beginning to understand why that would be.

C: What was that?

K: Nothing.

C: Oh, do you see Nothing?

K: Well, I don’t see anything.

C: No, you wouldn’t; I won’t let Anything in the house. It’s just Nothing over there right now. I thought that if you could see Nobody was sleeping in that chair, maybe Nothing caught your eye.

K: Well, nothing did.

C: Oh, so you do see Nothing over there?

K: Yes, when I look over there I see nobody and nothing.

C: That’s what I thought. Maybe Nothing will come looking for a treat if you hold your hand out.

K: Yeah... I hope so...

C: Oh, do you like Warfs?

K: Um... I guess... that seems a little random... I really don’t understand why...

C: That’s surprising, really. I don’t remember you being a big fan of Petpets. But that’s why I want you to sit down, relax. I’d love to get to know you again.

Nobody, the invisible Bruce, shifts in her sleep, making a slight groaning sound.

K: What was that?

C: Nobody.

K: That wasn’t nobody. I’m telling you, that was somebody. Somebody was making groaning noises over there.

C: What? Somebody’s here? Now?

K: Well, somebody must be because somebody made that sound.

C: I was sure it was Nobody. Do you see Somebody?

K: Well, no, I don’t see anybody.

C: How did Anybody get tangled up in this again? I asked if you see Somebody here.

K: Listen. When I look over there, I see nobody.

C: Ah, good. That’s what I thought.

K: How is that good? Somebody is groaning over there.

C: But you only see Nobody?

K: Yes...

C: Then Nobody is groaning. Like I said, Nobody is sleeping in that chair.

Krawkawk strides impatiently towards the chair, accidentally kicking Nothing, the Warf, and making it squeak out in protest.

K: What was that?

C: Nothing.

K: Well, it must have been something.

C: No, it was Nothing.

K: Something squeaked.

C: No, Nothing squeaked.

K: I know what I heard.

C: So do I. It happens all the time actually. I assure you, it was Nothing.

K: So... nothing is squeaking over here where nobody is groaning?

C: That’s right. It's Nobody and Nothing.

K: I think I remember now why we lost touch.

C: ...

K. ...

C: Please just have a seat.

K: I’m going to ask just one last time. Can I sit in the comfy chair?

C: But you know Nobody is sleeping there. I don’t understand why...

K: Then I’m just going to get going. Maybe look you up in another ten years.

C: Please, over all these years, I’ve been telling Nobody about you.

K: No wonder. If you don't know anybody. I’ve told all my new friends about you.

C: I might not know Anybody, but Nobody thinks you’re an interesting Krawk.

K: Hmph. Like I said, I really should be going.

C: Nobody thinks you’re funny and Nobody thinks you’re smart and Nobody thinks you’re amazing.

K: Which way was the door again?

C: But don’t you see? Nobody wants to meet you. Nobody wants to get to know you.

K: I don’t think I ever really knew you.

C: Nobody will be really upset if you leave here now.

K: I don’t know why I ever came in the first place.

C: Please just sit down here with me. It’s been so long...

K: Not long enough, I guess.

Krawkawk strides angrily toward the door, exits, slamming the door behind her.

Nobody: What? What was that?

C: Oh, that was Krawkawk. Leaving. Did she wake you?

N: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Was I sleeping this whole time? How did your visit go?

C: It was the strangest thing, Nobody. She said she knew you were in that chair, but she kept wanting to sit on you.

N: Ha ha ha. That is strange.

C: Ha ha ha. Yep, I guess it is. Good riddance anyway. I'm happy to just hang out here with Nobody and Nothing to keep me company.

Nothing: Yap, yap, yap!

Laughter and fade to black.