Where there's a Weewoo, there's a way Circulation: 142,862,738 Issue: 176 | 4th day of Awakening, Y7
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Who Said Dr. Sloth Wasn't Succesful?


by tushiwuddle

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VIRTUPETS SPACE STATION - Hello there, Dr Frank Sloth here. If you are new to global domination - err, I mean, new to the wonderful world of NeoPets, you might not know who I am. Although you must be truly stupid not to know who I am, I don’t mind explaining because I am the nicest evil person who ever lived in Neopia and I never, ever lose my temper. Hold on a second, here comes my assistant with my cup of Cold Borovan.

WHAT?!?! I didn’t ask for Hot Borovan, you bratty assistant! I’ll overheat, you inconsiderate slimeball! Get me COLD Borovan right now! Or, better yet, stand under my machine which turns things into piles of sludge and press the “on” button!!!!

Oh yes, back to telling you about myself. Well, I could go on for days, I’m so great, but I won’t because I’m in a hurry. I need to feed my Meepits some juppie juice so that they have enough energy to attack the pitiful inhabitants of Neopia…I mean be cute, loving little petpets to all NeoPets. In short, I am trying to make NeoPets a better place, with rainbows and butterflies and bright flowers. And to do that, I have to eliminate some features of NeoPets. To start with, the losers…I mean users. They are trying to destroy my plans of being master. You want to be happy on NeoPets, don’t you? I certainly do, so I am getting rid of some of the worst mistakes NeoPets has ever made. Of course, with users, out would go TNT, and they wouldn’t be able to prevent me from making NeoPets a beautiful place!

Another thing that we could do without is Neopets. Horrible creatures. They use up your precious Neopoints by making you buy them food, clothing and toys. Of course, when the users are gone, the Neopoints will be mine. And I don’t want to spend them on an annoying Aisha or a fumbling Flotsam. So the pets have to go, too. And petpets…well, let’s just say, small creatures that sneak into cupboards so that they can eavesdrop on your perfect plans for global domination and leak them to the horrid Neopedia, along with a few things that they didn’t hear as well. Which brings me to the present.

I’m very upset. Even a great evil genius such as me cries sometimes, when certain annoying people write certain untrue things. It’s even worse when it’s in the Neopedia for all you pathetic Neopians to read and laugh about.

You may be wondering what I’m referring to. Well…I’m not sure if I should tell you. Can I trust you to keep it to yourself? I don’t want this circulating around Neopia, especially after Sloth Appreciation Day. All over Neopia, impressionable users will laugh about it after all that hullabaloo and I will be shamed forever. I really don’t want to bring attention to it, but I must, in case I am suspended from the “Evil Geniuses Club”. Everyone in the Book of Evil belongs to it, and we are the only ones who know about it. Oops, I shouldn’t have said that. Now it’s a definite expulsion. But I can always continue my plans alone, if one little sentence can be erased. This is where you come in. Now, I have to depend on you to keep this in confidence otherwise my plans will never work. Please co-operate otherwise I might be so upset that I could sit on this gun and it could blast you. Oh, man, it’s a rainbow gun. I should have known my assistant would do something silly to make gullible Neopians believe my plans. He also erased my Battledome scores. Lucky I turned him into sludge. Anyway, back to the point. In the Neopedia, it says about me:

Success so far in enslaving Neopets: None

I’ll have you know that this is completely untrue. I have enslaved several thousand Neopets and replaced them with robots that look exactly the same, with fur and everything, programmed to send more Neopets to me so that I can replace them. When ALL Neopets are robots, they are programmed to send their owners on a “holiday” to another, undiscovered Neopian moon. In no-pet families, pets from other users with an excess of pets will come and do the job. Well, I have discovered the new moon, but nobody knows about that except you and me. So I have named it “Slothudor”. All these users will then be stuck on Slothudor with their pesky pets. But they can’t discuss it, because there will be no Neomail, guilds, message boards, petpages, shop blogs, userlookups, asparagus and any other ways for them to communicate with each other. Especially asparagus.

I don’t want you to write the amount of Neopets I have successfully captured; I want to DELETE THAT LINE. NOW. If you dare tell TNT, I will zap your pets first. What? What’s that you say? I can’t hear you; you seemed to have escaped to another page. I’m coming after you!

Oh, here you are. On none other than...what does this page say? Report form? OH NO! I don’t know why I bothered with talking to you, you horrid Neopian, but I think I will be nice. Even though you are horrible. Here, just stand under this sludge machine whilst I press the on button.

*Turns you to sludge*

Well, I guess I’m on my own now. I don’t know why I bother with such annoying users. I should’ve just zapped that stupid comment about enslaving Neopets in the first place. But oh well, everything happens for a reason. And I just got a very good idea because of this, I’ll start the architecture right now. How does a Sloth Theme Park sound? I could make rides that turn people to sludge! Yes! That is a great idea! Lucky there’s nobody around to hear it. What? What was it you said? That TNT is coming? Who are you anyway!?!? I can’t hear you from here. You’re across the street. Ahh good, now I can hear you. What? Why would you give me advice? Alright, I’ll listen then. I can’t hear you…say it again.

I shouldn’t yell my plans out the window? Why not…oh. Yes. I suppose that’s why NeoPets keeps on busting my plans.

Well, ta ta for now, I have to run, because TNT is chasing me! Remember: Support Sloth!

 
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