Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 182,804,373 Issue: 456 | 13th day of Hiding, Y12
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The World Needs More Claws


by thelupineone

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The heat of summer is at its peak. Temperatures are huge, and the mercury is rising. As I write this, the afternoon heat is striking Neopia Central at 42 degrees Centigrade. The summer hotspots of Altador and Mystery Island are even hotter, and even hotter still is Tyrannia. In these heated times, Neopia is threatened with drought, and the residents of our world require cold beverages to quench their first. Many choices are available: Neocola is always popular, Achyfi less so. Slushies are being shipped from Terror Mountain to Altador by the thousands, most recently for spectators of the Altador Cup. Sometimes not even a liquid can cut it: Terror Mountain beachgoers and Tiki Tourists have been seen eating Iced Fruit Kabobs: the bounty of Neopia’s forests, farms, and orchards, skewered on a stick and frozen to ice cold perfection. Also in demand are ice creams from Terror Mountain’s finest ice-creamers: Mr. Chipper the Lutari, and Adee the Chia. But, there is one more drink in my fridge... and it does a lot more than keep me cool... it is a Bori Morphing Potion.

Allow me to explain: I was chilling out in my Neohome the other day, when I noticed my Bori, Brixham, was busy on his petpage. He was writing about how awesome Bori Morphing Potions were, saying, “because the world needs more claws”. I thought... hmm... I think he has a point there.

I spent a few minutes discussing with Brixham about the need for claws, and we discovered that both of us were on the same mindset: claws are awesome! Bori morphing potions are awesome! And, a few days later, we managed to get a flask of Green Bori Morphing Potion, freshly brewed by potionmaster Kauvara. Cradling the precious liquid, we safely returned it to our Neohome’s fridge. No one wants to drink a warm Morphing Potion in summer.

Talks with Brixham continued: we decided that a Neopet drinking a Morphing Potion was all well and good... but I wanted to take it to the next level. I wanted to have the claws of a Bori! But... I didn’t want to become a Bori permanently; I wanted to stay human... yet have claws at the same time. This required some serious thinking... but eventually I devised a solution.

Swigging an entire flask of Morphing Potion will transform you permanently and fully. So, I assumed that a slight amount would only have a temporary effect, and only part of you would be transformed. The question was, how would I be able to direct the Potion to my hands to transform them into claws? I mulled it over, and then, asked my Lupe, Martbell, to pull up a table, and bring a towel...

The plan was this. I would drizzle a dash of Bori Morphing Potion over the towel, and wrap it around my hands. My hope was that the Potion would be absorbed into my hands, thus triggering the transformation. Within one hour I would have a nice set of Bori claws, usable for a few hours before they would transform back into my regular hands. Such an idea excited me greatly, so, without further ado, I sat down on my sofa, in front of the television (I didn’t want the wait for the transformation to be as boring as The Wheel of Monotony), and rolled out the towel on the table in front of me. I uncorked the flask of Potion, and poured a splash of that valuable green fluid onto the towel. Martbell placed the recorked bottle back in the fridge, ready for another day of transformation, while I laid my hands down on the towel. Martbell wrapped the towel around my hands, and I sat back and waited for a sign of change...

Fifty minutes later, I felt a twinge in my hands, and shouted out, “Everyone! It’s starting!”

Martbell eased off the towel to reveal my hands. Sure enough, all of the green Potion had been absorbed off the towel: what were now green were my hands! Green fur was sprouting all over them, and their shape was changing: my fingers were shrinking and merging, and eventually I had two fuzzy green hands with three stubby fingers. And then... they emerged. Three sharp, thick black claws came out on each hand, glistening as they reflected the summer sun shining through the window. This was too awesome to be true... but it was.

And now it was time to test these out. My mission for the next few days was to find plenty of great reasons to try out a Bori Morphing Potion in this manner, to prove the awesomeness of Bori claws. And the first thing that came to mind was... gardening? Brixham had written about it on his petpage: that his claws were perfect for digging holes, and more. We sped to the back garden, and we were appalled at the amount of weeds growing. However, thanks to my claws, I was able to pick out the weeds in half the time! I used that time to cultivate the soil, dig up holes for planting seeds... never before had I gardened so efficiently.

But gardening alone is not enough to argue the case for having claws. We set out around Neopia, on a quest to find the best uses for claws. The first place we went to was Meridell: being nearby Neopia Central, we thought it the perfect place to begin our Claw Tour. First, we headed on over to the Castle, to see if the sight of a human with the claws of a Bori would impress Grumpy King Skarl. It didn’t. Not a good start for this kingdom, so we decided to take our business elsewhere. My claws came to better use at Meri Acres Farm: for 400 NP you can try out the “Pick Your Own” service; the claws allowed me to lop berries of their stalks with superb ease: I managed to exit with an overflowing punnet, and an epic feast for tonight.

The next day, we decided to explore further afield. First up was Terror Mountain, the traditional home of the Bori species. The Bori population there were extremely impressed with my claws, and my canny ideas on Morphing Potions. Brixham and I had plenty of fun with them: I joined in with various Bori games including snowball fights, building igloos, and digging out snow dens. They were so welcoming: I even felt like staying... before realising I hadn’t brought enough warm clothing for those freezing Terror Mountain nights. However, our visit to Terror Mountain ended on a high note, as I met Armin the Small: despite being so timid, one of the most famous Bori of our time. He and Hannah were chilling out (LOL) in the Ice Caves. We were all happy with our meeting with fame; I gave Hannah great congratulations on her ability to look fashionable while on a mission, whilst Brixham and Martbell were listening to Armin’s tales of adventure.

Next up on our agenda was Tyrannia. Thanks to claws, I could cut off a slice of Giant Omelette without creating any eggy crumbs that would normally attract the ravenous Pteri circling above. What else could we do in Tyrannia, we thought? In the distance, we saw the cliffs that many Neopets liked to parachute off, in the sport locally known as “Ugga Drop”. Brixham pointed at the cliffs, wagging his tail. I was confused. How would having claws help with Ugga Drop? Then it hit me. Claws are not for descending... but for climbing. We all rushed to the cliffside, and I stuck in my claws, and began my ascent. However, my feet could never grip into the rockface, and that attempt was fruitless. However, my attitude was “never give up”. It was time to take “taking it to the next level” to the next level.

This time: two towels. One for hands... and one for feet. I place my bare soles on one Potion-soaked towel, hands on the other. The towels were wrapped, and both hands and feet were transformed. Yes, now I had four sets of claws, and was ready to climb anything vertical. It was tough at first learning how to walk with the furry feet of a Bori, but the ground of Neopia below me felt so awesome against my paw pads. It was time to climb... and I was going to climb in the steepest mountains in Neopia. It was time to head to Shenkuu.

Shenkuu’s famous hills and mountains are usually navigated by rope bridges and spiralling pathways, but I had a faster way. While Martbell stayed to the regular paths, me and Brixham took to the cliffs. We wedged our claws into the cracks, and started our ascent. So much adrenaline in me, it cancelled out all the fear that usually comes from climbing mountains. Eventually, we reached the peak of the mountain we were climbing, to discover...

The Cyodrake’s Gaze. There it was in front of me, the merchant vessel whose capsize led to the rest of Neopia discovering this merchant settlement. We popped in to meet the crew, including superstar cook Chef Bonju. Another use for claws! I helped him chop carrots and chokato with my super sharp claws. Stew for all in half the time. It was an honour to work for this esteemed culinary king, but, with a tub of hot stew in my pack, it was time to scale another mountain.

Onwards and upwards we climbed, up to a gushing river, a segment of water starting with a crashing waterfall, and continuing on to another cascade. Brixham suddenly got really excited and rushed off, and I chased after him to see what all the commotion was. The answer? Brixham had just seen one of his Extreme Sport Heroes: Cassile, the top Lupe of river surfing. Brixham idolises Cassile; he has posters of her all over in his bedroom. And now, Brixham was so overjoyed at this encounter, and Cassile was overjoyed at this, quite possibly her number 1 fan. Wow... who’d have thought claws could have got us this?

Brixham was really keen to go river surfing with Cassile, and the reverse was true also. Cassile explained that she was going to hold a gala here in a few weeks to publicise river boarding to tourists. We could try out how well river surfing would do from this location!

The next day, Brixham and I climbed up to the river again. Cassile was there, alongside her partner Bowe, with a pile of riverboards and a set of river surfing suits. We got changed inside a nice crevice, and then we were ready for the ride of our lives.

Shenkuu river surfing was the most exhilarating experience in my entire life. The specially made riverboards were unbreakable against the rocks, rapids, and deluges of water. Leaping off the falls, we performed spectacular stunts that wowed the onlookers. At the end of the day, we all ascertained it to be a huge success, and retired to the Cyodrake’s Gaze for some of Chef Bonju’s stew...

Wait a minute. I’m going off on a tangent. I’m supposed to be talking about my claws, not about river surfing! Anyway, to summarize...

  • Claws make gardening easier.
  • Claws get you close to celebrity.
  • Claws impress some Neopians more than others (I’m looking at you, Skarl).
  • Claws are great for food lovers.
  • Shenkuu river surfing is awesome.

If Kauvara is reading this, then she’d better get brewing that Potion: all of these reasons are bound to increase the demand for Bori Morphing Potions. Of course, there are some who don’t like Bori... maybe Kauvara should try and discover a recipe for Lutari Morphing Potion one day? It’s going to be a busy time for her, I feel.

 
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