Interview with Sophie the Swamp Witch

Roberta: Ahem. Shouldn't you be talking about the interviewee?

Me: Oh, right. Let's go. That's also about the interviewee, by the way.

Roberta: *rolls eyes*

The three of us make our way through the Haunted Woods, trying to find Sophie's shack, and Roberta doesn't seem to be very enthusiastic about this. Well, we'll ask her about it later. After a lot of looking, and me and Roberta dealing with some zombies (we made it so they were dead, and no longer undead), we finally find the shack. Man, it's shabby. I knock on the door, waiting for Sophie to answer. Roberta seems to back up a little, and Reggie leans forward enthusiastically.

Sophie: What do you kids want? I'm busy. *glares at Roberta* And what are you doing here? Don't you at least have the brains to keep your distance from here?

Whoops, I guess they don't get along too well after all... I figured a grumpy witch and a grumpy sorceress would get along fairly well... Reggie seems to be getting a little nervous. He shouldn't; I brought my sword along too, for protection, y'know. It's not that I distrust Roberta...

Me: We came to, erm, interview you. I know you're really busy, but can we have just a few minutes with you?

Sophie: Not with her around. Now get out of here before I turn you two into stink beetles and you into another ingredient for my potion.

Roberta: Great idea. I mean about the leaving, not turning me into an ingredient...

Me: Please? Just a few questions, and we'll be on our way. Reggie helped me write them down.

Sophie: Your brother's name is Reggie? Well... If it's the only way to get you to leave me alone... fine. Come in—you, stay out here.

The first thing that I thought when we entered Sophie's shack was, how could anyone do anything in this mess? The place was filthy, and empty bottles from potions lay discarded on the ground. A meowclops lay near a large cauldron, fast asleep.

Sophie: Okay, ask, quickly now, I'm very busy.

Me: Right, so we have a few questions written down. Reggie? Hand me the pad of paper please? Okay, so... first question. Why do you always threaten to turn visitors into stink beetles? Why not meowclopses? I heard they're your favorite petpet.

Sophie: What kind of question is that?

Me: Um... the one that's on the list.

Reggie: It would be in the 'unwanted visitors' category.

Me: Reggie! Can it.

Reggie: Huh? Can who? That's not a whole question.

Me: Just answer the question, please, Sophie. Ignore my annoying little brother.

Sophie: No particular reason. Hmm... maybe I should threaten to turn them into a meowclops.

Me: I bet you have a jarful of stink beetles.

Roberta: *Head sticking inside* Yuck. Why would she—what? It's cold outside.

Sophie: Yes. My cauldron's a lot warmer.

Roberta: Bye.

Sophie: No I haven't turned anyone into a stink beetle—yet. I almost did... *glares at door* They were all smarter than you brats and didn't stick around long enough, fortunately for them.

Me: ...Right... Reg, I have a feeling that's a hint.

Sophie: Next question.

Me: Reggie, your turn.

Reggie: Um... do you have something I can drink? Like water? I'm thirsty.

Me: Reggie, that wasn't on the list.

Sophie: No, that's okay, here. *hands Reggie glass of water* Next?

Me: Okay, you and Roberta don't seem to get along well... why?

Reggie: Hey! That wasn't on the list either.

Me: You asked your question, now I'm asking mine. Besides, if I'd known this ahead of time, I would've added it.

Sophie: None of your business.

Roberta: *poking head inside again* Yeah, it's—

Sophie: OUT!

Me: Oh come on, for the interview.

Sophie: Interview's over, now scram.

Me: But I only asked one meaningless question! I had five pages filled out!

Sophie: I said OUT!

Me: Yes, you did, but you were saying it to Roberta. You said you would let me interview you, and that means at least five questions and—

Sophie: Too bad.

Reggie: Please? *cute wide kiddy eyes*

Sophie: Tell you what. Two more.

Me: Okay, we'll use that technique again, Reg. The question I already asked—

Sophie: No answer. NEXT.

Me: Oh come on, just answer the lousy question.

Sophie: Will you count my answer as one of the two questions?

Me: Only if it's a good answer.

Sophie: Because.

Me: Nope, doesn't work.

Sophie: Fine, I'll answer. That clumsy kid is crazy.

Me: So... You heard she was crazy and made your decision through that?

Sophie: No. I had a bad experience.

Roberta: *poking head in* Including a lot of blowing up.

Sophie: Thank you for elaborating.

Roberta: You're welcome.

Sophie: Now get out of here. If you show your face in here one more time, I'm going to kill you in cold blood.

Roberta: *gulp* I'm outta here.

Me: Um... okay.

Sophie: Last question.

Reggie: Is there really such thing as ghosts?

Sophie: Yes. Now scram.

Me: Reggie! You wasted our last question on something stupid and obvious and not on the list.

Reggie: Sorry, Jerry. Maybe she'll let us ask another one.

Sophie: Sorry. Goodbye. Get out before I turn you into a stink beetle—or meowclops.

Me: See? We even had an influence on her.

Sophie: GET OUT!

Reggie and me leave the shack quickly, before Sophie has a chance to start sending spells after us... Okay, we ran... Very fast. I nearly lost my tail, but luckily I manage to get out of the way as she shot spells at us. Strangely, I couldn't find Roberta.

Me: Roberta! Where are you? Let's go!

Roberta: Up here.

Me: What are you doing in that tree?

Roberta: Chickening out... ? Careful! That thing in the water tried to eat me!

Me: I think you need a good night's sleep. Come on.

Roberta: I'm serious!

Reggie: I don't see any thing now.

Roberta: Careful, it's sneaky, it'll wait until we're all together and attack!

Sophie: My pet. Now get out before I consider that suggestion you brought up.

Roberta: *leaps down from tree*

Me: Let's go!

We ran all the way to Meridell, not bothering to stop for the boat. I had to carry both of them because Reggie didn't run fast enough and Roberta kept tripping. When we got there, I took my notes and sent them to TNT. I also interviewed my two companions about the interview, and here's what they had to say:

Reggie: Sophie is so nice! She even asked me if I wanted to visit again—but she said to come without my brother.

Weird kid.

Roberta: Gah! Jerry, get out of here before I blast you! I'm going to one day anyway! But enjoy life a little longer!

Talk about crabby witches. Okay fine, sorceress. Same thing. Despite the enmity they have a lot in common...

Me: I'm never interviewing grumpy people who mess with magic ever again. I'll send Fang and Ghost to do it.

Ghostwheel (my cousin): Hey Jerry, how'd the interview go?

Me: Terrible. Go away.

Ghost: What happened? Sophie rub some of her grumpy on you?

Me: And Roberta.

Ghost: Hey, I got an interview appointment with Dr. Sloth. Now is that cool or what?

Me: *sigh* Only if you go.