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Why You Will Never Have an Army


by exits_

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Admit it. You want an army, and why not? Almost every week you can read some kind of an article, story, or comic that involves one type of army or another. From the vegetable armies to the armies of ghosts, supposed armies and Neopia go together hand in hand. But with all of these armies, some surprising questions arise. Where does the funding come from? What about the space it takes to house and train these armies, and why do so many villains rely on armies to do their dirty work?

The Funding

How many Neopoints do you have in the bank right now? Probably not enough to fund an army of warriors. If you are going to go to the lengths of gathering an army, then you should first make sure that you at least have the funds to feed and equip them. When taking over Neopia, one must remember that the world is not simply going to roll over and play dead. Most Neopets are not going to take kindly to having their homes captured and then being forced to obey some new world ruler. Nope, this operation is going to take some force, so you had better be prepared to shell out quite a large sum to equip your army with Ylana's Blasters, Swords of Skardsen, and a few Bows of Destiny.

Oh goodness, imagine that sum you've just spent, and these are only the weapons! Sure, they might be a very important part, but guess what? They aren't even the most important part. No, the most important part, many would argue, is the uniform. An army can't race out to battle dressed in whatever you could find in the Neopian Second-Hand Shoppe. Oh no, you've got to get them looking nice! A uniform says that you are serious about taking over this place, but it must also be practical. That's quite that bill to fill! Here are just a few recommendations:

• Resistance Battle Visor - You'll keep their eyes protected and look pretty stylish when your army is sporting these!

• Seasonal Chain Mail Helmet - Feeling a little festive? This will protect your warriors' heads while still looking great.

• Steam Jacket - Looking sharp! What a jacket; it really makes you look like you mean business.

• Vintage Roo Island Altador Cup Jersey - This, my dear army-obsessed friend, is truly what not to wear. Unless you want to win battles by bringing those who resist to their knees... with laughter.

Space

Good, good, you've got the uniform, the equipment... and no place to put it all. Gah! Will the problems ever end? Well no, no, they won't, but the problem of location is one that I may be able to help you with. Think really hard now: what exactly do you need to store all of these things, as well as house your growing army... think hard now.

Cupboards? No.

Storage units? No.

Um... space? YES!

That's right, you've got loads to store, and all you need to store it is space. I make it sound simple, don't I? Well, if you already have the strength in numbers, all you have to do is put those numbers to work building your new floating empire. Why floating, you ask? Well, the sky is endless! And even if you find it does end, you can just float that empire a little higher, and soon you'll be sitting happily next to Kreludor... just remember the oxygen. If you choose to stay within the atmosphere, however, you can be just like Faerieland, or more like the ominous Darigan Citadel. But just how do you get a Citadel to float? Or, for that matter, your up-and-coming empire? Well, you'd have to ask Lord Darigan.

WHAT? You're afraid to ask? Are you kidding me? You are only reading this article because you're interested in starting your own army, oh yeah, I know. I also know you said, "Haha, this will be fun to read..." and then did a little bit of shifty eyes to make sure no one suspected anything. You don't fool me. However, if you are too afraid to ask, I would then recommend going under the sea. Yeah, Maraqua is already there taking up a bit of space, but they don't take up the whole unnamed ocean! There's plenty of room down there for you to build your empire and train your army.

Armies -- The Truth

Let's face it, at least one of your friends has claimed or is claiming to have an army at their disposal. Well, it's shocking, I know, but it's probably not true. Mostly for the reasons that you've read above: the cost, the space that would be required... it's really not realistic for you or your friend to keep an army around that you can chuck at whomever comments to you on the Neoboards that you should've written "you're" instead of "your." Let's face it -- it's much easier to just grumble to yourself and stuff yourself full of your favourite pity Pastry Puff than it is to spend more than 12 million Neopoints (apiece, mind you) on a couple hundred Swords of Skardsen.

Really, though, why would you even want an army? Yeah, they would make a pretty sweet garden ornament, but they would complain a lot, you know? They would be whining about the outfits all the time and how they had to share bedrooms. They would always be asking you for training and books and toys and... well, you aren't made of Neopoints. Well, are you?! No, you aren't (I'm assuming). And have you ever heard the phrase, "Do your own dirty work"? You should think about trying that out. No, it's not the most enjoyable, but it is realistic. Eventually your army is going to start wanting holidays and sick days... and don't even think about the vacation time they are going to be asking for pretty soon. Sure, you think you'll be able to keep these goons with swords in line, and you might be able to for a while, but soon enough they are going to smarten up, and then when your whole army is taking tours of Mystery Island, what are you going to throw at Mr. I-Care-Enough-About-You're-VS-Your-To-Correct-You-Face? Nothing. You are going to throw nothing and go eat your pity Pastry Puff, 'cause that's how people without armies deal. And really, you don't want to go through all this trouble to get your own army; you just ran out of your favourite Pastry Puff and are too lazy to run down to the Bakery. Why don’t you just eat some crackers?

 
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