How to Get Vaporized by Dr. Sloth
Do you like taking risks? Have you ever wanted to annoy Dr. Sloth? Do you simply have a death wish? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above questions, then this guide is the one for you. Using any of the methods listed below yields a high chance of, at the very least, getting you thrown off Sloth’s spaceship; if he’s having a bad day, the likelihood of rapid vaporization is even higher. There are many ways to successfully infuriate Dr. Sloth, and I’ve compiled a large (but in no way exhaustive) list to share with you, so let’s have at it!
1. Ask him what kind of Neopet he is.
2. Make up a theme song for him and sing it every time he enters a room. (“Doctor Sloth, it’s Doctor Sloth/He’s here, the great green behemoth/His cloak is really very fleecy/His hair is really not that greasy... ”)
3. Accompany this song with an off-key Pirate Music Track and try to get him to sing along.
4. Purchase a Rainy Day Cloud and have it follow him wherever he goes, zapping him every time he looks at it.
5. Tell him that his “death glare” makes him look like he has something in his eye that itches horribly.
6. Also, his “maniacal laugh” makes him sound like he’s choking on a Rock Fruit.
7. Reupholster all his furniture with fuzzy pink fabric and spray his room with Eau de Skunk.
8. When he’s trying to read Evil Plots for Beginners, read over his shoulder and finish sooner than he does so that it vanishes before he’s done reading.
9. Make up a handshake that involves copious clapping, pointing, and sound effects. Insist on performing this with him every time you see him, even if it’s in front of a roomful of minions.
10. Steal his diary, make copies of it, and pass said copies around at the next Intergalactic Supervillain Convention. (Caution: attempting to read diary may cause permanent cranial damage and/or emotional scarring.)
11. Decorate his room with posters of the Space Faerie.
12. Send him a game challenge to play Splat-A-Sloth.
13. Organize a rigorous exercise regimen for him and force him to wear a leotard with a matching sweatband, saying that if he doesn’t, he’s just showing you he doesn’t take his health seriously.
14. Paint every single thing he owns—spaceship, plans, everything—invisible.
15. When he asks after his belongings, try to convince him that they don’t exist and never have. If he doesn’t believe you, tell him his memories of belongings must be figments of his imagination, or hallucinations created because the strain of failing at his evil plots is getting to his head.
16. Say you know it must upset him that the only servants he was ever able to command were either robots or Grundos, which happen to be the Neopets with the lowest beginning intelligence, and does he ever think that maybe this world-taking-over business is just a wee bit too complicated for him?
17. Adjust all his blaster-type weapons so that they only shoot little flags that say “Bang!”
18. Tell him that he would be a lot more successful if he learned to communicate better, and try to teach him how to use I-statements. (“I feel like conquering your planet.” “I get angry when I am rebelled against.” “I feel upset that not everyone believes I have the ability to become Supreme Overlord of the Universe.”)
19. Constantly stare fixedly at a certain place on his forehead, and deny doing so when he asks.
20. Accordingly, when you pass him in the hall, look away quickly and mutter “It’s so deformed! How could he not notice?” under your breath.
21. Shrink all his lab coats and black cloaks in the wash, leaving him with only the My Sister’s Frilly Skirt he got from the Advent Calendar a while ago.
22. While he’s waiting for his clothes to be replaced, take multiple pictures of him wearing said frilly skirt and stick them on every wall of his spaceship.
23. Give him a hug. Although many say that everyone needs a hug once in a while, and it is true that Dr. Sloth looks like he is no exception, Dr. Sloth resents this notion, and has quite emphatically declared that he does not, in fact, wish to be hugged.
24. Shave off his hair while he’s asleep and glue a Mad Scientist Wig to his head.
25. Ask him how many planets he’s successfully taken over.
26. When he says “None”, laugh and tell him that’s what you thought he would say.
27. Ceaselessly tell him bad non-sequitur jokes. (“What do you call two potatoes in a rainstorm? A SOFA! What do you say if your socks are smelly? HELLO!”)
28. Drastically rearrange his furniture (i.e. trash his room) while he’s out.
29. When he confronts you, tell him that his feng shui was all wrong, and how could he possibly expect to succeed in evil plots while his trash can was in his room’s evil plotting area?
30. Doodle flowers, rainbows, smiley faces, and dancing Weewoos over all his evil blueprints.
31. Tell him he really ought to change his mission statement from “All evil, all the time” to “Sorta naughty when I’m not fleeing from Cylara, Gorix, or the Space Faerie with my metaphorical tail between my legs”.
So there you have it—there are so many possibilities for how to anger Dr. Sloth that you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed. Seeing as you’ll probably only have the chance to use one method, choose carefully—only you can decide which is the best fit for you. Now get on out there and fulfill your lifelong dream to get vaporized by Dr. Frank Sloth!
Disclaimer: This article was written with purely humorous intentions and is not to be taken seriously. Actually attempting any of the actions suggested above will almost certainly result in undesirable consequences. No incidences of deep-space marooning, spaceship jettisoning, long term incarceration aboard Dr. Sloth’s spaceship, vaporization, blasting, incineration, evil experimentation, mysterious ray zapping, permanent scarring caused by reading Dr. Sloth’s diary, or any other injury caused by people taking the advice of this article are the author’s fault. Well, they kind of are, but please don’t blame the author. Thank you.
Neomailed comments are always very much appreciated. :)