The Sloth Conspiracy

In honour of Sloth Appreciation Day, I thought it would be best to highlight some of Dr Frank Sloth’s notable achievements. But then I realized that in all of Sloth’s activities (that is, taking over Neopia one Neopet at a time), he has lost. Lost! Think back to his recent Return (see: Return of Dr Sloth plot) where he was defeated by a Cybunny and a Grundo. Two measly kids (and the rest of Neopia) defeating the great Dr Sloth! It’s tragic, that’s what it is. An evil, plotting doctor can’t take over the world like he used to.

Still, don’t think that Sloth has given up. I’ve realized a few conspiracies that Dr. Frank “The Greatest Doctor Ever and The One Who Wears a Dark Coat The Best in All of Neopia” Sloth (er, apparently that’s his middle name) has a hand in. In the interest of preserving Sloth’s secrecy, I’ll refrain from mentioning anything specific.

1. The number of red and purple clockwork minions that appear in a certain game that involves typing. It may or may not be terrifying. Think about it: said minions used to be Sloth’s, well, his minions. It makes total sense. Who else would be behind the lack of enough purple clockwork Grundos minions in each game? Why else do they send all of those yellow minions in their place? I bet Sloth sits there and laughs as we innocent Neopians struggle desperately to achieve a certain score. It’s almost impossible (especially for those of us with the worst luck in Neopia, i.e. me, most of the time) to get a high enough score because of said lack of purple minions. It’s outrageous, that’s what it is. And it’s got Sloth’s handiwork written all over it.

2. Gaining access to a multi-coloured water device. I think Sloth is behind the “all of the magic is used up” bit. I’m sure the Fountain Faerie sends us all invitations daily to visit her, but Sloth craftily intercepts them. He probably put up a sign outside her door (er, cloud?) saying that “all of the magic is used up” to deter Neopians from getting their pets painted. I’m sure the Fountain Faerie is quite sad that nobody comes to visit her, and she’s probably bored that she has no pets to paint (I wonder what she does all day. Read books? Think of funny jokes for King Hagan? Knit wing covers for the other faeries?).

3. A certain blue minion that was thrown away and now resides on a cloud on Faerieland. Who knows the origins of this plushie? I certainly don’t. It makes sense that Sloth was responsible for it being thrown away. It was probably Sloth’s childhood plushie, and he threw it away because it either a) was suggesting that Sloth hand out neopoints and random faerie plushies (“Who doesn’t like faerie plushies?” was probably its argument) or b) reminded him too much of another blue Neopet *coughGorixcough*, who defeated Sloth, with the help of a Cybunny, of course. Who else would throw away, or, if you will, discard, such an adorable and harmless plushie? Answer: no one but Sloth.

4. The rivalry between two faeries, one green and the other purple. I doubt Queen Fyora played any part in making these two faeries hate each other. I don’t see how any of the other faeries could’ve found the time to cause a rift between these two. For instance, the Tooth Faerie is super busy collecting teeth; the Fountain Faerie watches over a fountain; Taelia, the Snow Faerie, has to put up with the Snowager (it can’t be fun to hear him roar at Neopians during certain times of the day, and I suspect that he snores while he’s sleeping); the Library Faerie is busy reading and creating crossword puzzles; the Negg Faerie has all of those neggs to look after; Jhuidah cooks all the time; Baelia, the Grey Faerie, is busy, well, being sad and grey; and the Soup Faerie is always giving out soup to needy Neopians (I think she has a hard job. It’s not easy making a different soup for each meal). The others — light, dark, earth, water, fire —cruise around Neopia giving out quests, or spend their time bottled up waiting to bless abilities on pets. As such, all of the other faeries are uber busy doing their own thing.

Sloth, on the other hand, has loads of spare time on his hands. In between his world domination plans, he probably decided to stir up trouble between these two faeries. He probably told one that the other had said that purple was so last year and that she has a poor sense of decorating (i.e. toxic-looking clouds), and he probably told the other that the first said that fingerless gloves were so last year and that Honey Potions are so over-rated. It seems like a logical reason for why they dislike each other: all because of Sloth’s meddling.

5. Those machine parts and glowing multi-coloured creatures in a newly discovered city. You know the ones. The ones that require constant refreshing and checking to get one (or more). Who else would be behind their near-impossibility of acquiring but Sloth? (Okay, maybe the meepits, but I’m betting it was Sloth.) The creatures look so nice and happy when you catch them! Doesn’t it make sense that between your checks, Sloth sneaks in and snatches them? Ditto with the machine parts. I suppose the creatures might not want to be caught and put in a lantern (would you? Thought not), but I don’t know why the machine parts would want to hide. Sloth is probably collecting the machine parts for his next world domination plan and he needs the glowing multicoloured creatures to either a) light up his workspace or b) power up his machine.

As you can see, there are quite a few subtle instances of Sloth’s handiwork. Either that, or it’s those dastardly, sneaky Meepits. But my bet’s on Sloth. And so fellow Neopians, on this Sloth Appreciation Day, make sure you wear your I Heart Sloth T-shirts (or other merchandise) proudly and fill up on Berry Sloth Ice Cream, to show Dr Frank Sloth your appreciation (obviously), and also to make sure he doesn’t go all mad laboratory scientist on you and your pets. Hm, I wonder if that’s another one of his conspiracies... Nah. Happy Sloth Day!