The recent Neopian Times article "Usuls Rock" got me thinking: do Usuls really rock? Now, I don’t want to start a huge debate over which Neopet species is the best (I think the boards and my neomail might explode), and I’m sure the lovely editors of the Neopian Times would rather not be sifting through a multitude of weekly (Insert species) Rocks! articles. So, in an effort to be as uncontroversial as possible, let me say that while Usuls may rock, Bruces rule. Let’s break it down:
B. Boochi. No other Neopet creates such excitement (and sometimes terror) in a random event than Boochi. Naive Neopians beware: Boochi scours the Neopian world, zapping other Neopets into their baby forms. How can such a seemingly innocent and adorable Neopet be terrifying, you might ask? Well, if you had an Island-painted pet, for example, and Boochi decided to visit you and use his ray... there goes all of your hard earned neopoints for that paint brush (you can take out your anger on him in the battledome though). On the other hand, if you really want a Baby Neopet, but don’t want to spend the 600k for the paint brush, Boochi can be your money saver. Just don’t expect him to be around all the time; he does have his naptime, after all.
R. Rink Runner. A fun and challenging game featuring a would-be figure skating champion Bruce. I’m sure if there was a Neopian-wide figure skating championship, Bruces would win hands down. Not to mention that I’m sure Happy Valley enjoys a boost in tourism during the Annual Happy Valley Skating competition. I don’t think any other Neopet is as talented as that Bruce in Rink Runner. Sure Turmacs can roll, Cylara can shoot and steer ships, and that Wocky in EPC can count potatoes like crazy, but none of those compare to the skill required in figure skating, especially when trying to win over those tough judges. The Terror Mountain Tilt Bruces are likewise equally talented. I don’t think I could manage to skate on a tilting surface. Kudos to them! Also, who doesn’t love to watch that happy little Bruce skate on the Terror Mountain page? He’s much cuter than the Brain Tree or Esophagor in the Haunted Woods.
U. Uber cool. Literally and figuratively. Growing up in the icy cold of Terror Mountain lends Bruces part of their coolness factor. Also, put on a pair of sunglasses on a Bruce and BAM! instant coolness. Just take a look at Brucey B. He’s one cool pet. And surely the only one who could pull off a tie-dye shirt and sunglasses – I can’t picture Sloth or King Hagan wearing said ensemble.
C. Colours. To me, Bruces have some great paint colours. Have you looked at the Christmas Bruce (the old art, especially) in Merry Outfits on Terror Mountain? No? What are you waiting for!? Brace yourself for cuteness overload. No other Neopet compares, in my slightly unbiased opinion. The other colours are pretty nifty too. Maraquan and Shadow look pretty spiffy. I think the best colour (besides Christmas) is Pirate. Who doesn’t love pirates? Arr mateys! Ye can speak pirate every day! Shiver me timbers!
E. Eating at the Food Club. Who doesn’t love to eat? Bruces certainly do, especially Captain Crossblades and Orvinn the First Mate (I think he’s had one too many Neopets 10th birthday cakes). And what better way to enjoy eating than with the pirates at the food club. It’s an unforgettable experience!
S. Slots, Brucey B. By far the best slots game on Neopets. The trophy is really nifty too (and who wouldn’t love to have a Brucey B trophy on their lookup?). I also seem to win more at Brucey B slots than Scorchy Slots or Black Pawkeet. But I also own a Bruce. Coincidence? Most likely. (Unless for some strange reason Brucey B lets Bruce owners have some of his good luck... but probably not). Just remember to watch how much you’re betting.
R. Royal Bruces. They are very regal looking and very pretty (I really want that dress). Not to mention the fact that visiting a Royal Girl Bruce will give you an avatar. It’s like three awesome factors in one: Bruces are awesome, girls are awesome, and queens are awesome. Right, Queen Fyora? Also, unlike the Royal Korbat avatars, there’s no need for users to choose which one to get. Instead, there’s only one Royal Bruce avatar, making avatar collectors everywhere happy.
U. Unforgettable notable Bruces. Well, okay, you might have forgotten some of them, but there are quite a few notable, if not famous, Bruces. Obviously, as already mentioned, there’s Brucey B (of Cheat/Brucey B Slots/Brucey B and the Lost Coin fame) and Boochi. There’s also Benny the Bruce (a member of Captain Scarblade’s crew; I would recommend checking him out at the Evil Denizens of Neopia page, but it seems oddly fixated on Eliv Thade only), and Ramtor (of Neoquest II). There’s a few Bruce collectable cards, like Chimi Mage (might give Sophie a run for her money), Denethrir (I think he’s the role model for the Gelert in Spellseeker), and the Bruce Avenger (I don’t think I want to fight her anytime soon). Most of these Bruces are nice — they don’t taunt you like the Robot Grundos in Typing Terror (oh, those elusive purple robots) or the clown Chias in Carnival of Terror (I will never look at cream pies the same).
L. Look (appearance). Bruces are pretty awesome in appearance. They’re not too fluffy (they don’t shed everywhere), not too scaley (I don’t know that I would want to hug a Krawk), not too big (I don’t think I could hug or even pick up a Grarrl), and not too small (you never know if you might accidentally trip over a JubJub or worse, lose a Korbat) — they’re just right. Also, only Bruces could pull off that bow and coordinate it with every outfit/colour. No offense to all the Usuls (with their tail bows) or Ixi (with their collars), but I think Bruces have the best accessory.
E. Environment. And by this I mean where Bruces live, i.e. Terror Mountain. I think it’s one of the best places to live in. For one thing, the neighbours aren’t that bad. The snowager is asleep for 21 hours a day, Neopians usually visit daily only one month of the year (you gotta love the Advent Calendar), and I’m sure that the Lenny in the Super Happy Icy Fun Snow Shop must give out free Chia pops or other frozen desserts if you’re a nice enough neighbour. No need to worry about runaway cheeses in Meridell (or arrows flying everywhere from Ultimate Bullseye), the toxic cloud that Jhudora calls home (it doesn’t look all that inviting), sandstorms in the Lost Desert (you’d probably end up with sand in your food all the time), or be constantly trying to figure out what your neighbours Uggsul and Jarbjarb are saying in Tyrannia (who knows if “Uhhg Uuuuhg” means “Hello!” or “Watch out for that destructive Grarrl.”). In comparison, Terror Mountain is relatively peaceful, except for those crazy Chias who keep dropping everything (warning: watch out for falling pianos when walking along the top of the mountain) and the hordes that come running whenever Tarla has a sale in her Shop of Mystery. Otherwise, peaceful.
Well, there you have it folks: Bruces Rule. I’m not saying that Bruces are the ultimate species (I think all of my other pets might get mad at me if I said that), as I’m sure that there are Magnificent Meercas, Awesome Acaras, Extraordinary Eyries, Spiffy Scorchios, Groovy Grarrls, etc. Regardless, Bruces are one of the coolest species in Neopia, and one of the originals. So this Bruce Day say hi to a Bruce and congratulate him or her on ten years of awesomeness!