Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 176,895,792 Issue: 423 | 18th day of Celebrating, Y11
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Who Says it Has to Be a Golden Star?


by _razcalz_

--------

Also by iluvchocolate_91

Tree toppers. The little (or not-so-little, as we'll discuss) objects that may or may not be star-shaped, crafted for a sole purpose: to perch at the tops of our favourite Christmas trees.

We hear people talk about ornaments all the time, or how pretty the Christmas lights are -- or, of course, the presents sitting so invitingly at the bottom of the tree. But what about that one decoration at the very, very top? If you think about it, the often-overlooked tree topper is what truly completes and gives identity to every Christmas tree.

My name is Veyle. I was an Ice Draik. (Never mind that. Blazing lights on a stage / poetry lecture / frowning puddle ring a bell?)

And I say "overlooked" in regards to these tree toppers because... well, you must have seen the ornaments they offer out there. The classic Striped Holiday Ornaments are everywhere, and there's even an obnoxious little purple Bartamus one for those of the darker nature.

Do me a favour and try to avoid mentioning that to our favourite Dark faerie on the weird-coloured cloud, hmm? For all you know, her tree is probably full of those and I'm in for a drop of Noxious Nectar in my innocent hot chocolate this evening. Most likely sooner.

Or maybe she'll just light a purple fire.

Take it from me, it's never wise for an Ice pet to make enemies. We're just too easy to get back at.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh, decorations. Yes.

I'll just be annoyed if I get into gift wrap or lights. Asparagus lights, ice cream cone lights, gourd string lights... you name it, it's sure to have been invented.

If I may add that whoever thought up of these must've been working on an empty stomach.

But what about tree toppers?

...That's right.

There's just the one, the good old Shining Star Tree Topper. I see some serious under-representation here.

(Perhaps there are others. But if the phrase "Tree topper" isn't in the item name, it obviously isn't cut out to be one. Duh.)

Seriously, though. You know this must mean every single tree out there is fitted with the same gold star on a cone.

Which I know sounds very exciting. If you happen to be the type of person who likes to see the same thing over and over again, every year, in every Neohome.

Chances are, you're not.

And that's why I'm here. You, oh-decorator-of-trees, will have to bear with the puddles I'm leaving on your carpet. Topper-finder Extraordinaire and Awesome-rhymer-of-verses as I am, my words of wisdom come with baggage.

Now then! I know this looks very long, but trust me, it's just because I go off-topic a lot. Like that time when--

Ah. Right.

Use these to "top your tree!"

Before we get into this, we should look at why you're looking to find a tree topper in the first place. Is it just to make your tree look pretty? Come on. I know there's more to it than that.

It's the holiday season. People come over during the holiday season. You don't want to be one of those couple million twerps with the not-so-Shining Star Tree Topper. That you snagged for free last year at the Advent Calendar. (Another grievance: besides being labelled as unoriginal, cheap is added as an afterthought.)

You use a tree topper to outshine your snooty neighbour's lump of a tree by having a fancier lump of a tree. To get back at them for allowing their brown, furry, smelly Symols to colonize your perfect lawn.

glowing snowflake

(Suggestion: Glowing Snowflake. Lights up in the dark!)

No?

Oh, I know.

The proper tree topper is a tree's eight-inch boost in height -- which is exactly what you were looking for to create the illusion that your runt-sized tree is less runt-sized than it actually is. General rule of thumb re:Christmas trees: the bigger, the better. Yours just doesn't make the cut.

What? Don't judge me. The truth hurts, my dear non-melting friend.

portable bunch of balloonspathetic christmas tree

(Suggestions: nothing beats Portable Bunch of Balloons for height -- or, while we're at it, how about a Pathetic Christmas Tree? Tree-on-a-tree! It even has a star on top.)

Still not what you have in mind?

Talk about being picky.

This one ties in with the whole competing thing, except the only difference is that there is nothing to compete with, because your tree is one of those unlucky clumps of twigs and pines that display a miserable lack of decorations. Or food-themed lights.

No worries! Now's the time to keep in mind that the correct tree topper can be the centerpiece (or to put it plainly, the attention hogger) of the tree.

I.e., the more outrageous and mind-blowing your topper is, the more people's eyes will be drawn away from the rest of the tree, and while they're thinking of how to comment on said topper without offending anyone (you), they'll forget to notice how bare those browning bristles are.

How's that for clever insight! That Lunar Temple Gnorbu's got nothing on me, and he looks about twelve times my age. No, really.

gummi starmeepit sign

(Suggestions: a cross-eyed Gummy Star, and... uhh...)

Last but not least. Pay attention if you have a non-JubJub in the household. (Poor things, with no paws to yoink presents with.)

I don't know if pre-Christmas present-opening has ever been a problem for you, but it sure has for us. It's one of Duckie's many useless talents. You'd think a Baby Lenny is hardly better than a JubJub in terms of picking-things-up adeptness.

The yellow featherball gets away with it, too.

And Brayca, she stashes everyone's presents away and--

You get the point.

As with most things, the solution lies in-- you guessed it, tree toppers. You need to look into getting one of these little guys on top of your tree to alert you of any odd goings-on.

kateilbeepallite

(Suggestions: Kateil-- SQUAWK!-- and the ever-alert Beepallite Satellite.)

Getting it on the tree is harder than it sounds

So how did you get your tree topper on the tree last year? Providing yours wasn't one of those cheesy "just put the parts together" tree-wannabes.

At least, I hope your tree is somewhat taller than you.

Typical living room scenario:

Veyle: Hey, I can't reach the top of the tree! Help me get the tree topper on.

Brayca: Balloons? What are you doing, trying to get the tree to float?

Veyle: No, it's just to make the tree look taller. Duh. Now give me a hand.

Brayca: I can't reach it, either. The reasoning behind wanting an even taller tree was what...?

Veyle: Well, then. Let's try jumping.

*several minutes of teeth-gritting, amusing effort, but hands-down failure nonetheless*

Veyle: ...How about I stand on your shoulder? That'll reach for sure.

Brayca: All right, I guess.

Veyle: Okay. Hold still.

Brayca: Whoa! What are you, a boulder? *stagger*

Veyle: Ahh! Careful! Stop moving!

The resulting crash consisted of pieces of tree, popped balloons, and a very angry Brayca. Being flattened like that is hard on anyone's self-esteem.

Assuming you don't like having such crashes in your living room -- though I suppose it could be some new holiday style -- here are awesome (and practical!) alternatives to getting your tree topper in place.

Because we know by now that my advice is always awesome (and practical... usually).

(DISCLAIMER: The following methods, while awesome, are not guaranteed to be crash-proof. In fact, the probability of ridiculously failing and making yourself look like a dunce is precisely 87.2324%. Try at your own risk. I, Veyle, am not responsible for missing textbooks as a result of #1, and pets with a fishing level below 98249 who cannot handle failure well are not advised to attempt #3.)

1. Stack up those Large Books of Geometry

geometry

Here's a question. What is the most reasonable purpose of a collection of ridiculously thick volumes of discussions on mathematics?

If you answered "for stacking and standing on to reach a tall Christmas tree," you have won the Veyle's Seal of Approval. Give yourself a pat on the back (and perhaps a cross-eyed Gummy Star).

2. Scale the tree

krawk climbing rope

You'll probably end up falling like poor George and being shouted at by the flattened friend, but at least you can do it in a fashionable manner.

3. Swing it on with a fishing pole

broken fishing pole

And you thought those things from Underwater Fishing were useless! Fix 'em up and you have yourself a solution. Attach selected tree topper to the hook, hang on to the rod, lean back as if you actually know what you're doing, and aim for top of the tree. Swing. a) If it worked, celebrate to taste; b) if not, retrieve the tree topper and hope it didn't break. Repeat as necessary.

Other alternatives include "Boots of Jumping" and "Indoor Pirate Cannon." You know, we can very well turn this whole thing into a game for a holiday sporting event.

4. Or, you know, you can be boring and do it the proper way.

I.e. tipping the tree to its side, fixing the tree topper in place, and tipping it back upright. I suggest getting creative and thinking up a new method of tree-topping. What's the fun of the holiday season, otherwise?!

That's all for now, folks! No, no, there's no need to thank me for the insightful observations. Just one thing, though. If you chose to take my advice for any of the above, which I'm sure you did, neglect to invite me over this week. I don't want to see, and I claim no responsibility whatsoever.

...uhh, what I meant was, I'm sure I've already done enough damage to your carpet. It may take a while to dry. Ice pets have dignity too, you know.

Thank you for listening -- if you've been taking notes, good, because they'll sell for a fortune. I hope your choice to pick up this article has somewhat spiced up the top of your tree -- and your decorations shopping list!

I'm off. Our Beepallite Satellite guy does a great job of present surveillance, but with Duckie around, you never know.

As per usual, Veyle's exit is trailed by a notable path of melted ice and bits of rather soggy parchment. She wishes you a merry and bore-free Day of Giving nonetheless.

 
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