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Markove's Interview With Eliv Thade


by selenial

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Reporter’s Note:

Selli was really enthusiastic about getting an interview with Eliv Thade for the Neopian Times, but then again, she wasn’t the one who had to do the interviewing. She got me, her poor, tormented little Ogrin to do the interview, and let me tell you, it was no easy feat.

First, I had to go into that creepy old haunted house. Then I had to convince Mr. Smarty-robes to accept the interview. And after the interview, he still insisted that I had to do some weird ritual to put his soul at rest (AKA find that book that he’s been wanting to finish for so long and the kitchen knife so that he can snack on apple slices while he reads), which meant that I had to dust and vacuum the library looking for his “Shield of Pion Troect,” which is ancient Maraquan for “over-sized bookmark.” And even after I got out of that pit, I still had to find someone to translate the interview (which I had recorded). I’ve listened to him for so long that I can think in anagrams. Now next time Eliv Thade starts screaming anagrams at me, I’ll be able to scream them right back!

Anyhow, here’s what Eliv Thade said. I haven’t gone over it yet because Selli has been on my case about the deadline. I’m sure it’ll be all right anyways, and I think that he really opened up on this one!

~Markove

Markove: Mr. Thade, we’re going to start out with some nice and easy questions. What are your favorite colors?

Eliv Thade: Dark green and dark purple. Like my curtains! :D

Markove: (Oh boy, more anagrams?) Green and purple... okay; got it. How about your favorite book?

Eliv Thade: The Grimoire of Thade. It’s lying around the house somewhere, and I’ve got to find it and finally finish it.

Markove: *writes everything down* (Whoa, these anagrams are getting really hard to decipher.)

Eliv Thade: Are you done yet? Heheh, these word puzzles must be driving you mad.

Markove: *scribbles furiously*

Markove: So... what does your name really mean? It’s pretty unusual.

Eliv Thade: Again with that? Haven’t you reporters gone over this already? It’s a pen name, kid. It’s supposed to be unusual.

M: Erm... could you speak normally just for the interview?

ET: What, and ruin the effect? I go by the book, which you’re going to need to get out of here, by the way.

M: Okay, I’ll assume that that means no. Next question! How old are you?

ET: You little snip! It’s rude to ask for your elders’ names!

M: *breaks a sweat* Er, I’ll have to just translate all that later. Let’s move on-

ET: You can’t understand a word I’m saying, can you?

M: Who, me? Well, my favorite breakfast is a Corn Scone! It’s nice of you to ask, but we really do need to stay on topic here. I don’t want to hold you up.

ET: o_e

M: What’s your favorite breakfast?

ET: I’m a ghost. Ghosts don’t eat. Look at me! You can see right through my hands! Where would the food go?

M: (e-n-g-l-i-s-h... erk, do I spell “muffins” with one “f” or two?) Do you usually take them with jam, or plain?

ET: But I said-

M: Preserves, right. Next! Were you born in the Haunted Woods, or did you move here after you got famous?

ET: I’ve lived here all my life. Want proof? Most of my furniture isn’t really old and run down. It’s really just traditional stuff that my parents handed down to me. You won’t find a pink carpet in ANY house in the woods. I’ve kept all of my furniture in perfect condition, actually. Would you just look at the moldy touches on these chairs? They’re just the same as when Dad first bought them.

M: Well, that sounds really interesting! (Faerieland?! I hope that he was just being sarcastic...)

M: May I ask why you haunt this place?

ET: Well, it got boring after a while, just sitting in the crypt. Then one day I heard some kids breaking into the mansion. They were exploring, and I couldn’t resist jumping out and screaming “Boo!” But you know what they did? They started chucking things at me and laughing, so I tried a different approach. Naturally, I love puzzles, and when I scream word puzzles at them, they remembered things... the teacher calling them to the chalkboard... the test that they didn’t study for... those dreaded report cards. They were AFRAID, truly afraid of my anagrams, and it was so FUNNY! It’s my hobby now!

M: I-I’m sure that our readers will be touched by that account of your fight for honor and justice.

ET: What?

M: I already told you that! I said a CORN SCONE, oh, with BUTTER. But please, I still have a few qu-

ET: This is ridiculous!

M: Sorry, could you repeat that? I didn’t quite catch what you said.

ET: This is a waste of my time, and I’m spending my whole afterlife wasting time as it is!

M: Look, I thought that we were past the breakfast thing! I like-

ET: Okay, you know what? Forget this. FOOLISH CHILD, PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM! YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THIS HOUSE ALIVE!!!

M: Oh, all right. So what is your favori-

E: MUHAHAHAHAHA!

M: Oh my gosh that wasn’t in anagram!

*crackle*

Reporter’s Note (2):

Oh dear. Ah. NOW I see why he got all upset. I thought that some of his answers were odd, but I was so SURE that I was getting the hang of those anagrams!

Well, folks, I hope that you’ve learned something about Eliv Thade from this short interview; I know that I certainly have. I used to think that he was a tormented, misunderstood stereotypical undead genius. Now I know better: he’s short-tempered, dramatic, he probably threw paper airplanes with cryptic messages written on them during class, and he doesn’t like Corn Scones. (Whoo, Selli’s gonna chew me out for messing up this one...)

 
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