Asparagus and Arguments

      Love,

      SOMEONE WHO IS TOTALLY NOT DR. SLOTH

      The Space Faerie stared at the file folder, complete with attached note, and rubbed her forehead tiredly.

      “Why, of all days, on a Monday?”

     -

      Doctor Frank Sloth, Green Thing of Outer Space, self-proclaimed Emperor of the Stars, King of All Planets (except Neopia and Kreludor, darn them), stood on the deck of his empire, and rolled his eyes in annoyance.

      “Tourists. Who was the idiot who decided we should let all of Neopia tramp through here?”

      “Um... sir, that would be... you.”

      Sloth glared at the timid Grundo who was his personal servant today. “Do I look like an idiot to you?”

      “Er... no, sir.”

      “Exactly.” Sloth gave him a brilliant and evil smile. “Therefore, it wasn’t me. I bet it was that Grundo who runs the café. He’s always whining about a lack of business. And I always get my coffee from him.”

      “Uh, sir... he doesn’t sell coffee.”

      “Of course he does, what else have I been drinking for the past three years?”

      The Grundo decided that this would be a bad time to enlighten Sloth to the fact that coffee and chocolate éclair paste weren’t the same thing. “Erm... yes, sir. Of course.”

      Sloth shook him head dramatically. “And to think that he betrayed me in the end.”

      “Oh... right. What a shame, truly, what a shame,” the Grundo agreed quickly.

      “I shall have to imprison him,” Sloth decided. “Gargling Rocks, the traitor, will rot in my dungeons!”

      “Um, sir, his name is Gargarox...”

      “Right, Gargling Rocks.”

      The Grundo sighed. “Yes, sir. Gargling Rocks, the traitor to Virtupets, even after you bought coffee from him every day.”

      “It’s a tragedy as great as any,” Sloth said, his voice layered with false tears.

      It was going to be a very long day for the poor Grundo.

     -

      Gargarox Isafuhlarg, Grundo chef and five-time Gormball champion, was surprised when Sloth entered his café. He motioned for one of the apprentice chefs to put the chocolate éclair paste into a cup and add some cream, to create the appearance of coffee... for someone who had never seen coffee.

      “Gargling Rocks If is Large, this is the last day this café will stand open!” Sloth yelled, giving an evilly brilliant smile to him.

      “What?” Gargarox asked, confused. “We’ve even prepared your cup of coffee, special...”

      The Grundo standing next to Sloth put his head in his hands. Gargarox took a moment to feel bad for him, but Sloth started speaking again.

      “I’ll take that... and you’ll be thrown into my dungeons for letting tourists into my space station!”

      Gargarox stared at him. “What? But why would I do that?”

      “You’re always complaining about how you don’t have enough business, and tourists appear out of nowhere. It’s so obvious, a baby Uni could figure it out. And I hate baby Unis.” Sloth gave him another brilliantly evil smile.

      The Grundo chef blinked. Had Sloth taken his send-off comment of “this café would be nothing without your business” that he said to half of his customers literally? And was he deliberately ignoring the fifteen other customers still at the café, not to mention the thirty or so that had fled when Sloth had arrived?

      Or was Sloth just stupid?

      “Sir, my café is in perfect shape, even without the added business from the tourists, which, as I believe, you yourself let in...”

      “A false accusation!” Sloth yelled, taking the éclair paste from a trembling Grundo. “No, it was you!”

      Just as Gargarox was preparing a clever retort, the side of the café crashed in, and the Space Faerie flew in, posing dramatically. Behind her, the hole in the wall filled in, out of respect for the customers and workers, no doubt.

      “Doctor Frank Sloth!” the Space Faerie yelled. “I have discovered your evil deeds!”

      “You ruined my café’s business further by crashing the wall in!” Gargarox told her.

      She looked confused. “What? Your café has nothing to do with this! But I will tell Fyora to send money for the damages.”

      “Thanks,” he said, raising his spatula in salute.

      Sloth frowned, still showing his brilliant white teeth, and managing to look absolutely ridiculous. “I don’t have any plans, except for throwing him into the dungeon!” He pointed at Gargarox with his mug.

      “Do I want to know why?” the Space Faerie asked tiredly.

      “He let the tourists into my space station,” Sloth informed her.

      “You green imbecile! Do your crimes never stop? It was you who let them into your space station!” The Space Faerie hovered higher, and prepared a blast of magical energy.

      “I hope Fyora pays for all of the damages,” Gargarox said, offhandedly.

      “It was not, you sparkling fool!” Sloth grabbed a Virtupets X-514 Super Shield from a passing tourist, who turned, and paled when they saw who had taken it.

      “Your crimes never stop, do they, you over-styled cretin!?” The Space Faerie hurled the glowing energy at Sloth, who raised the shield, and sent energy flying everywhere, singeing more than a few customers.

      “I’m the evilest villain in Neopia and beyond, you winged idiot!” Sloth took an Asparagus Powered Ray Gun from the poor tourist. “Do you expect me to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’?” He fired off a few shots, missing her completely.

      “You will pay for that, you hairless dunce!” the Space Faerie yelled back. “After you pay for this!” She flourished a file folder.

      “I’ve never seen that before, you floating dimwit!” Sloth smiled at her maniacally. “But if I had, I wouldn’t tell you, anyways!”

      “It clearly says ‘Love: SOMEONE WHO IS TOTALLY NOT DR. SLOTH”, which therefore means you, you badly-dressed dimwit!”

      “This is the top-of-the-line evil robe!” Sloth pointed out. “And, since you’re too much of a pinhead to realize it, that says ‘IS TOTALLY NOT DR. SLOTH’.”

      “Which is why it is you, you slow-minded freak!”

      “That doesn’t even make sense! It says it isn’t me, so it therefore is me? I think someone’s a few beans short of an Intergalactic Spiced Beans!”

      “365 Neopoints!” Gargarox yelled, for the benefit of his customers.

      “But who else uses asparagus to power ray guns, Mr. Spudnick-for-brains?!?”

      “2,500 Neopoints!” Gargarox called.

      “Shut up, you witless traitor, and you muttonhead Faerie!” Sloth shouted. “These are clearly not my plans, and you owe me just short of a million Neopoints for damages!”

      “Actually, she owes me about ten thousand,” Gargarox corrected. “Twenty, if we want to include transportation fees.”

      “I’ll tell Fyora to send it tomorrow at the latest,” the Space Faerie assured him. “Now, Sir Nitwit, you mean tell me that you didn’t have a plan to freeze Maraqua using an asparagus powered freeze ray?”

      “No, why would I do that, you stupid... stupid person!” Sloth asked, most of his witty insults used up.

      “You’re the stupid person!” the Space Faerie retorted, also having exhausted her snappy comebacks. “And who else would do that?”

      “No one that I know!” Sloth yelled. “And, besides, why do you think we sell the asparagus powered ray guns? The cost to ship enough asparagus up here is ridiculous.”

      “Actually, it’s got a decent enough price,” Gargarox put in. “I mean, I get it cheaply enough.”

      “How do you make it glow?” the Space Faerie asked.

      Gargarox merely smiled, and walked away, only to quickly return.

      “Cooking and asparagus aside, this is completely ridiculous! I demand that you leave my Space Station immediately!” Sloth demanded.

      “As soon as you return that shield and ray gun to the poor tourist!” the Space Faerie said.

      He narrowed his eyes, but gave them back to the tourist, who promptly fled. “Now, be gone, annoying winged pest!”

      To make up for the insult, she exploded his coffee, splattering everyone with the éclair paste.

      “Now you’ve exploded my coffee, you flying bonehead!”

      “This isn’t coffee, you ninny, it’s éclair paste!”

      “GARGLING ROCKS IF IS LARGE!” Sloth screamed.

      “It’s Gargarox Isafuhlarg!” the Grundo next to Sloth yelled. “And, we told you a million times, they don’t serve coffee here!”

      Sloth pulled a Portable Kiln from somewhere. “Tremor in fear, all who oppose me!”

      The remaining customers fled, as the Space Faerie remarked, “If you had that, what was the point of stealing the ray gun?”

      “I am evil, therefore I steal,” Sloth proclaimed. “As anyone who isn’t a total simpleton knows!”

      “Did you steal that?” the Space Faerie asked.

      “No, Fyora made me pay, but she gave me a three million Neopoint discount if I promised not to toast her castle with it,” Sloth said, grinning evilly.

      “Somehow, I think that was an unwise choice,” the Space Faerie said. “But never fear! I will vanquish this fool and return the Portable Kiln to her before you can use it evilly!”

      “This is not worth how much I get paid!” the Grundo yelled.

      “Why my café?!” Gargarox screamed.

      “Fear my fiery wrath, Space Faerie!” Sloth hollered, and let loose a fire attack that had no match on or off Neopia.

      When the sparks stopped flying, they were shocked to see the Space Faerie, not even mildly toasted.

      “You think that something you got from a Faerie will work against a Faerie? Think again, you chicken-headed idiot!”

      “You already said that!” Sloth yelled at her.

      “Oh, who cares?” the Space Faerie yelled. “You’re still evil! I’m still righteous! And I still have better hair than you!”

      “At least I have fashion sense!”

      “No, you don’t!”

      “This is the stupidest argument ever,” the Grundo groaned.

      “My poor café,” Gargarox sighed.

      And the Space Faerie and Sloth never stopped arguing.

The End