The Neopian Food Review: Tyrannian Foods
Duty has called, Neopia. Have you ever gone to that favorite eatery, whether you prefer Hubert’s Hot Dogs or Kelp, and ordered something sublime? Wouldn’t you have liked to share your joy with the rest of us? That’s where I come in. I’ll eat at a variety of locations around the globe (and on the Space Station) so you can know what to eat when you go out. I’ll tell you what’s good and what you should definitely stay away from. From here on in, Neopia, you can count on me.
Ah, Tyrannia: the only world to still be stuck in the past. While that’s good for nostalgic purposes, it doesn’t translate very well to food. They still eat those prehistoric Bronto Bites over there! Tyrannian foods are always odd-looking, and almost never appetizing. Most of their foods revolve around rocks. On the plus side, however, the foods are generally cheap, with the exception of just a few items, and you get insanely huge portions: one dish can last you almost a week (if you store it safely and avoid food poisoning, of course!)
It was certainly tough to get through some dishes at the Tyrannian Food shop. Other foods, however, really surprised me in terms of taste and flavor. First off, my favorite dish was none other than the Tri-Nana. The first thing that struck me about it was that it could be fun to play with (remember Grundos Cafe? This is even better). It works as a perfect boomerang! Throw it and it comes back every time, and when you’re done, eat it up. It tastes just like a normal banana – no funny business here. Even better, I recently consulted the Shop Wizard, and he said that Tri-Nanas cost only about 50 NP. What are you waiting for, Neopia? Go play with your food!
One of the only drinks that Tyrannian Food offers is the Coconut Juice Bowl. You would think that coconuts and other tropical dishes belong around Mystery Island or even Krawk Island, but Tyrannia has some really good coconuts, despite its less-than-tropical climate. This chilled juice is a tropical blend (and it’s absolutely delicious). After you finish the juice, you can eat the coconut – and by then, the white coconut innards have been sitting in the juice for so long that their flavors have intertwined. That’s the best part: it tastes amazing.
The final good meal that’s worth mentioning in depth is the Bargasaurus Steak. It’s absolutely massive – unless your pet’s stomach can stretch a lot, you’ll be taking this home to finish later. I’m not even sure a Grarrl or Skeith could finish this in one sitting. As far as taste goes, it’s delicious: it’s cooked perfectly for a normal Neopian palate, unlike many other things cooked in Tyrannia. They have a fascination with eating things raw that gives them quite a bad reputation with much of the rest of Neopia. Thankfully, this gem is waiting for you if you ever see a concert at the Concert Hall and want a bite (well, more than a bite) to eat afterwards.
A few other good meals: Eggs On Rock, Tyrannian Salad, Honey Blossom
Foods in Tyrannia are, in general, grossly undercooked, filled with rocks, or both. One food that comes to mind crosses all boundaries. The first food I’ll talk about is the Hairy Rock Burger. Obviously rocks don’t grow hair, so the question is why any chef would unnecessarily put hair on their burger. Furthermore, the burger is a rock. Nothing on this burger is really edible. I would definitely recommend that nobody eat this.
At first, when I saw their Meat A La Twig, I was intrigued. Why would they give it such a fancy, half-French name? Is it really something more than a chunk of meat on a stick? I’m sure you’d be able to guess: it’s not. It is only an uncooked chunk of meat hanging loosely from a twig. Why do they try to make it fancy when it definitely isn’t? Beats me.
After reviewing Exquisite Ambrosia last time, I had had my fill of honey. I wasn’t expecting anything with honey from Tyrannia, but oddly enough, they have a dish called Buzz Honey. As soon as I bought it, I could hear it buzzing, and I had to ask: “Are there real bees in this hive?” The shopkeeper’s reply? “Ugga Ugg!” How helpful. Since it’s served as a big beehive, I had to reach my hand in to get the honey. It went fine for a little while, and it was good honey, but after a few moments, bees started to swarm around me. The shopkeeper had a bucket of water to dump on people that this happened to. Apparently it’s not uncommon. That’s a warning for you, Neopia.
Two meals that have the same thing wrong with them are the Strawberry Stone Doughnuts and the Tyrannian Cookies. The cookies sound nice enough until you read their description: “Watch out! These solid biscuits can break teeth!” Do you want your (or your pets’) teeth broken? Of course not! The Strawberry Stone Doughnuts are very similar. I’m pretty sure there’s just two ingredients: rocks and strawberry frosting. Bite into one and you’ll taste some lovely frosting, but it comes with a bit of pain from biting into a rock at the same time. Is it worth it? That’s up to you to decide.
The most outrageous meal that is offered in Tyrannia is a meal that clearly oversteps moral boundaries. Titled Stick-O-Mynci (can you already see where this is going?), it is literally “chunks of Mynci on a stick roasted to perfection” (quoted directly from the item description). I’m not going to lie; I couldn’t eat it. I have a friend with a Mynci. They’re nice pets. Why would they be eaten? This is just absolutely disgusting to me.
Other foods to avoid: Primordial Stew, Mini Egg Taco, assorted appendages of animals native to Tyrannia (there’s plenty of them offered!)
Let me tell you, Neopia, if you’ve never read any of my articles before, this is a good one to start with. There’s such a large amount of bad food here that going in and getting “whatever looks good” isn’t such a great idea. For that, I give Tyrannian Foods a rating of 3 out of 10. Of course, there are rare gems here that shouldn’t be missed. If you’re ever at the Concert Hall, I would stop here for one of the great foods I mentioned earlier. However, there’s simply too much food here that really should be classified as “gross” – some may even deserve their own classification: “inedible”.
Be sure to look for the next review – I’m headed for the famed Golden Dubloon of Krawk Island!