The Neopian Food Review: Grundos Cafe
Duty has called, Neopia. Have you ever gone to that favorite eatery, whether you prefer Hubert’s Hot Dogs or Kelp, and ordered something sublime? Wouldn’t you have liked to share your joy with the rest of us? That’s where I come in. I’ll eat at a variety of locations around the globe (and on the Space Station) so you can know what to eat when you go out. I’ll tell you what’s good and what you should definitely stay away from. From here on in, Neopia, you can count on me.
This time, I’m going out of this world to bring you a report on Grundos Cafe. This intergalactic eatery serves all kinds of space-themed food, most of which is quite good, but with Dr. Sloth roaming around up there, you never know what could really be a plot to rule Neopia. I’m here to end the confusion, as always, once and for all. Grundos Cafe is a popular destination for all Neopians, so I had to get this review out quickly. Now what’s good? What’s bad? Let’s find out...
First off, I’d like to give Grundos Cafe huge bonus points for being a really fun place to eat (or even to just sit around). Lots of their food is fun to look at, fun to play with, or both. It even manages to keep food that tastes absolutely terrible from being a waste of your hard-earned Neopoints. A great example of this is the Grundos Cafe “Gloof Stick”: nobody knows what’s even in it, but most can tell that the things don’t taste good together. It’s worth a failing grade at culinary school, but as a toy, it’s a winner. I’ve seen plenty of kids already use one as a magical wand of some kind; for only its value as an innovative toy would I count it as a successful “dish”. Other meals are similar, but some really hit it out of the park.
The first dish that blew me away was only a drink: the Milkyway Shake. It’s served in a glass that, when cold, shows clouds swirling around the outside of the glass. When you finish your drink, the clouds stop. It’s genius, really. The only thing better than the cup was the drink itself. It’s like a normal chocolate shake, but there are some spices added – probably some mint – and other things that I didn’t bother to ask about. Whatever they were, they worked well. (Like the alliteration there?) The drink is amazing.
I know that lots of people in Neopia are skeptical about trying the Space Station’s Cloned Corn. It’s too expensive for Meridell to keep sending their fresh corn to the Space Station, so they need to make do and clone their own corn. So, to all you skeptics out there, let me ask you: you do know what cloning is, right? Put simply, it copies something. Exactly. The corn tastes exactly the same. Therefore, I can confidently write that Cloned Corn is a good dish; it tastes just like fresh corn straight out of Meridell.
While we’re all thinking about how great corn is, my next item worth buying at Grundos Cafe is the Rocket Corn On The Cob. Do you have young pets who won’t eat their vegetables? Give them this fun meal and they’ll be eating their corn in no time – at least here at the Cafe. They even get to take the rocket home with them after they finish, but they won’t be able to take it unless they finish their food. Kudos to Grundos Cafe for that one – parents everywhere will be thanking them.
Finally, you can’t go wrong with a good Marshmallow Grundo; available in four flavors (normal, chocolate covered, strawberry, and tchea fruit), people come from light years away to get their hands on one of these treats. The best perk yet? You get your choice of one marshmallow grundo free with each meal purchased throughout the summer. Don’t miss that opportunity!
Other good bets: Cherries Jubalee, Galaxy Energy Drink, Blue/Orange Rambus, Intergalactic Chewy Stuff
Leading off the list of bad menu items would be the Gloof Stick, but since I’ve already covered that, I’ll start with the Grundos House Special. I can’t figure out what’s in this failed concoction. Of course, I wouldn’t care what was in it if it actually tasted all right. It certainly doesn’t. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a Raptraphant Leg, but I’d be willing to bet that it’s included in the mix. Uncooked, its taste is unique and painfully obvious to any person familiar with Tyrannian cuisine. Maybe the chef crushed up some of those Green Tea capsules he’s got to create the green color of the mush. I can’t be certain, but what I am certain of is my review of this item: bad, bad, bad.
I would definitely stay away from Obliteratoes and Oppressor Onions. Look at them closely and you can almost see Dr. Sloth’s image on the Obliteratoes; the onions simply look militant. Eating these generally results in a stomachache for a few days (furthering the evidence that Sloth’s face does indeed appear on each Obliterato). This prompted Neopian officials to begin running tests on them to determine whether they’re safe to eat. Until we’ve heard definitive evidence regarding the edibility of these items, I’d strongly advise to stay away.
The last meal I wouldn’t be caught dead eating is the Completely Non-Lethal Sandwich. How dumb do they think we are? Calling something ‘completely non-lethal’ does not change its lethality! If you’re not familiar with the dish, it looks like an ordinary sandwich with a ray gun popping out of the top of it. Sound safe? Of course not! They are always served warm – an unnerving prospect for me, as you have to warm up Sloth’s ray guns before they fire – and I’m convinced that something bad would happen if one of Sloth’s enemies ever ordered one. Stay away, Space Faerie!
Other bad dishes: Metal Pizza, Toxic Sloth Slushie, Space Fungus Sundae, Crown Roast Beef, Freeze Dried Sprout Soup
Time to wrap this review up. Unfortunately, it seems that there are more bad-tasting meals at Grundos Cafe than there are good ones. However, many of these meals involve at least one floating part (or some other novelty). For this reason – and this reason alone – that I give Grundos Cafe a 7 out of 10. Kids will love this place, and there’s no reason for an adult not to, providing they eat the right meals. As long as you stay away from the truly horrible stuff, everyone can have good food – and a good time – at Grundos Cafe.
Keep an eye out for the next review – I’m going to Altador to review Exquisite Ambrosia! Don’t miss it!