The Top Ten Not-That-Gross 'Gross Foods'

Because, really, Neopia is incredibly prejudiced against something that can be incredibly tasty...

Picture the scene: you’re browsing the shops for your pet’s next meal, when you spot something cheap at the back of the shelf. It doesn’t look too bad, but...

It’s GROSS.

What does gross really mean?

It can mean ‘extremely large’.

It can also mean ‘extremely disgusting’.

I, and I am sure many people would agree with me, think that the title ‘gross’ is unfairly allocated to many of the dishes in its category. In fact, this title, which could be described as a Vicious Lie, or even plain old Slander, could actually mean that many Neopians are missing out. So what if it isn’t perfect? So what if it’s a bit mouldy around the edges? So what if it’s a mixture of two ingredients that only someone with no tastebuds could invent?

It’s still food.

Seriously, think about it. Would you rather starve? Would you rather go along with the crowd like some ridiculous, copycat Babaa?

I think many people will agree the answer is ‘no.’

I think many people would also agree that Looks Can Be Deceiving. You Can’t Judge A Book By Its Cover. You Can’t Call Food Gross Unless I Say So.

Alright, I made that last one up. But anyway...

Some of you may read this article, sniff, and think, ‘no way am I feeding my precious Fluffykins anything that isn’t perfect, gourmet and over 1,000,000 Neopoints in price.’

You people may as well leave now.

No, I’m appealing to the other Neopians. The Neopians who work hard for their Neopoints and struggle to find interesting, tasty dishes for their pets. The Neopians who are open to change, open to try something new. Trust me – Gross Food, despite its bad reputation, isn’t That Bad. Alright, it’s no Chocopie Slice, but it’s easy enough to choke down. I’m not talking about Fantastic Fly Pies and vile Scab Cakes here – it's quality stuff. Stuff that actually is Almost Edible. And look on the bright side – after sampling some of these, if you really hate them, berries and Neocrackers could actually seem, not boring and mundane, but a pretty nice prospect.

My Xweetok, Spatterdoll, has (bravely) agreed to help me on my quest to find the top ten etc. etc. gross foods in Neopia. After tears, tantrums, and lots of toothpaste, we finally managed to compile this list.

10) Nutritional Block

TNT Description: Mmmmmm... packed full of... nutrition!

No name could be truer. This block, modest as it may look, is filled with all the vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, proteins and fibre your pet needs for a month! It might not keep them full for that long, but it certainly keeps them healthy! It can be baked, fried, eaten raw, made into food sculptures , even grated over other dishes for that extra nutritional value! A dish that, being tasteless, is certainly not gross!

Spatterdoll – It’s... blah. I can’t describe something that has nothing to describe!

9) Cheesy Apple Stick

TNT Description: This probably wouldn’t be too bad if it hadn’t been left to rot for a few weeks!

Rot, shmot! Look at that picture. Do you see an inch of mould? Wavy lines to show pungent stench? Maggots? No. Therefore, it’s not rotten. Just think... crunchy, sweet apple, smothered in a rich melted cheesy sauce...

Spatterdoll – Now that’s what I call sweet and sour! Yum.

8) Peanut Butter Pizza

TNT Description: Deep pan peanut butter pizza.

See? SEE? Even TNT don’t say this is gross! Peanut butter, pizza... what more could you want? The most unusual, inventive, just plain CRAZY pizza topping in the whole of Neopia! Not to mention the optional grape jelly! A unique taste sensation, which you might want to repeat. If you survive. *maniacal laughter*... ahem.

Spatterdoll – I can honestly say I’ve never tasted anything like this. Never.

7) Lime Milkshake

TNT Description: Oh dear, the lime has curdled with the milk in the most hideous way!

Curdled? Curdled? What’s ‘hideous’ about that? This milkshake is a work of art... the curvy silhouette of the sparkling cup, the luminous, enticing green of the milkshake, the delicate red and white stripes of the perfectly positioned straw... what more could you want? Alright, it is so lumpy that the straw gets blocked every two minutes, and it tastes like week old dung jelly, but, shallow as it may sound, this item is so aesthetically pleasing it hardly seems to matter.

Spatterdoll: Is it meant to burn my throat?

6) Waffle Burger

TNT Description: A delicious sugared waffle oozing with syrup wrapped inside a burger bun with chilli sauce.

Hang on a minute, TNT! The cynical undertones of this comment disturb and anger me greatly. Who are YOU to suggest that certain flavours do not marry? I bet none of you have ever tried this wonderful concoction! Seriously – soft, doughy burger buns – check! Spicy, thick chilli sauce – check! Sugary, warm waffle with a slight crunch – check! Flowing, tooth-achingly sweet syrup – check! WHAT MORE DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?

Spatterdoll: The only word coming to mind is ‘inimitable’.

5) Chocolate Duck Rump

TNT Description: Mmmm... a crispy duck’s behind roasted, hen smothered in extra rich chocolate!

It’s unclear whether it’s the fact that you are chowing down on duck derriere that makes this dish gross, or if it’s the chocolate sauce. Perhaps it’s a combination of the two. However, it matters not. The rump is tasty and succulent; as eatable as any other part of the duck’s anatomy – much more eatable than some! And as for the chocolate – any chef who knows his mackerel from his meatballs will tell you that, with rich meats and fowl like duck, chocolate is often the best and most complimentary accompaniment!

Spatterdoll: This is surprisingly really tasty! It makes me feel like King Hagan!

4) Peaburger Delight

TNT Description: Mushy peas and our special pea burger combined to make this bizarre dish taste so well... weird.

Think about it – anything with ‘delight’ in the name cannot possibly also be ‘gross’. It’s like calling something Yucky Untasty Delight – you just know that somewhere in there there’s something tasty and delicious. And this burger ticks all the right boxes – it’s mushy, it’s pea-y, and it’s... I’m out of ideas.

Spatterdoll: Next time you’re complaining that I don’t eat enough vegetables... DON’T buy me one of these.

3) Anchovy Loaf

TNT Description: A fresh crusty loaf that has the sandwich filling already baked into it.

If you’re a busy owner, rushing around every morning to pack your pets’ lunches for the day’s Neoschooling, you’ll appreciate this. It’s nice, healthy, fresh bread with your pet’s omega 3 and protein for the day ALREADY IN IT. No buttering, no dicing, no pandering to their every preference and request. No more cries of ‘My tangella has to be chopped to a perfect quadrilateral, Mommy!’ or ‘He has more chokato than me!’ The best invention since Sliced Tofu.

Spatterdoll: *splutter* The heads and tails are a, um, nice touch.

2) Chip Butty Pizza

TNT Description: Thick chips and lashings of butter, all on top of a cheese and tomato pizza.

Ohmygosh! It’s two meals in one! It’s like mixing the soup and the sandwich! Cooking the turkey and sprouts together! Combining the macaroni and... the... cheese... oh. Anyway. Just look at how the crinkly golden chips stand to attention atop the hot, cheesy pizza – waiting anxiously to march all over your tastebuds. And the pools of butter – they add a beautiful, lustrous sheen to the otherwise dull look!

Spatterdoll: The aftertaste is truly... inspiring.

AND THE WINNER...

THE NUMBER ONE ‘Gross Food’ That Is Actually Not That Gross And May Even Be Described As Quite Possibly Almost Edible And Even Slightly Okay Tasting, If You Hold Your Nose IS...

1) Sweetcorn With Tomato Sauce!

TNT Description: It doesn’t sound that awful, but just wait until you taste it!

No, TNT, it doesn’t sound that awful. It really doesn’t. What is bad about a well-known, common food like Sweetcorn, smothered in a condiment that everyone knows and loves?

Spatterdoll: Nothing, that’s what! It’s tasty, it’s sharp, it’s pretty and the textures are fantastic! I am impressed – can we go buy some off the Shop Wizard, Mommy?

Yes – Spatterdoll. For not only are these corny treats scrumdiddlyumptious, they’re also incredibly cheap!

Thank you for reading – just remember, next time you’re faced with a choice between a Gross Food and something plain boring, take the Gross Food – you never know, it might be the nicest thing you’ve ever had! But seriously – I meant it about the scab cakes. Yeuch.