Preparing Neopia for the Meepits Circulation: 91,084,854 Issue: 175 | 28th day of Sleeping, Y7
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50 Ways To Tell If Your Pet's a Thief

by yami13331


YOUR NEOHOME - Have you ever had the feeling that your pet’s some sneaky, wily thief? Sure, you may have dismissed such suspicions as ludicrous and fanatical at first. Perhaps your pet looks too cute to play the part of a bandit, or maybe he’s/she’s too well behaved to be a pickpocket. However, try as you might, you just can’t shake this lingering feeling out of your mind. You just can’t ignore those certain signs that indicate that your pet has the heart of a marauder…

Fellow readers, may I present to you fifty of many ways, ranging from the obscure to the blatantly obvious, to tell that your pet has turned thief on you….

1. Your pet gets a mischievous gleam in his/her eyes and experiences unnatural twitching in the hands every time he/she sees something valuable.

2. Your pet has a habit of practicing his/her sneaking abilities almost every day in your Neohome.

3. Your pet prefers to use Sticky Hands, daggers, stealing items, and other thief-related items in the Battledome.

4. Your pet’s siblings keep complaining about personal objects disappearing from their bedrooms.

5. Your friends have stopped bringing their valuables (i.e. watches, jewelry, wallets) along with them whenever they visit your Neohome ever since you created/adopted your pet.

6. Shopkeepers give you funny glances every time you visit their shops with your pet.

7. You get kicked out and banned from a shop just by bringing your pet along with you.

8. You discover that your pet was the reason that a shop had to install a new security system.

9. You notice items in your Neohome that you could’ve sworn that you’ve never bought from the marketplace.

10. You can’t recall signing up for a year’s subscription of the Thieves Guild Monthly Newsletter.

11. Suspicious characters keep coming to your Neohome asking if your pet could come out to play.

12. Your pet has adorned his/her room with thief paraphernalia (thief posters, thief rugs, thief bedspreads, etcetera).

13. Your pet has tons of books about thievery in his/her bookshelf.

14. You discover that your pet is WRITING a book about thievery.

15. You aren’t allowed entry into the Hidden Tower whenever you bring your pet with you to Faerieland.

16. Your neighbors keep calling you in the wee hours of the morning to complain about swiped issues of the Neopian Times and missing lawn gnomes from their front yards.

17. Even BETTER than sign #16… Your Scuzzy-sized neighbor nearly pounds your front door down, shakes you vigorously by the shirt collar when you finally do open the door, and demands that you make your pet give back his lawn gnome before he gives you a good throttling.

18. Every time you go for a walk with your pet, everyone you pass by immediately covers their pockets to block access to their wallets and gives funny glares at your pet.

19. You catch your pet trying to teach his/her petpet how to pick pockets.

20. Whenever you visit Meridell Castle with your pet, the King sends his guards to watch you two during your stay in order to make sure that your pet doesn’t even set foot near the treasure vault.

21. You discover your pet’s secret stash of items (mostly those that you can’t recall being your own property) hidden in his/her room.

22. You discover that your pet’s the reason your guild had to get a safe to protect its donations.

23. Your pet becomes a topic of interest in the Evil Sightings Neoboard.

24. Your pet has been added in the Trouble at the National Neopian game as one of the thieves.

25. Your pet becomes the next Defenders of Neopia opponent.

26. You’ve got the feeling that every security camera in the National Neopian is focused on you every time you bring your pet along with you to the bank.

27. Every time you try to leave a shop, the shopkeeper demands that your pet empty his/her pockets.

28. Your pet gets a letter from Malkus Vile asking if he/she would join his organization.

29. You discover that the Sakhmet Palace guards won’t allow your pet near Coltzan’s Shrine for fear of a repeat of the Malkus Vile incident.

30. The Kitchen Chef on Mystery Island comes knocking on your door and begs you to make your pet give back the ingredients for his new culinary delight before Mumbo Pango comes after him.

31. Even the pirates are keeping their eyes on their bags of plunder whenever you bring your pet along to Krawk Island.

32. Every time you bring your pet along with you to the market, you inventory mysteriously grows larger, even though you could’ve sworn you never bought a thing.

33. Your pet is the reason why your neighbors have upgraded the security systems of their Neohomes.

34. You catch your pet attempting to teach himself/herself how to deactivate a security camera.

35. Your pet prefers to use thief-related abilities in the Battledome (i.e. Smokescreen, Invisibility, etcetera).

36. Queen Fyora summons you to Faerieland…to demand that your pet give back the Queen Faerie Doll he/she swiped on your last trip to the Hidden Tower.

37. Every shopkeeper in Neopia knows your pet’s name, but not in a good way.

38. You discover that your pet has a Thieves Guild Membership Card.

39. Ever since you created/adopted your pet, your neighbors have tried to organize a petition to get the police to add your street to its daily patrol routes to ensure the safety of the community.

40. One of your friends suggests that you take your pet to a psychiatrist for kleptomaniacs.

41. Your pet’s idol is a famous thief.

42. Your pet goes into hiding under the furniture every time a police Chia comes knocking at your door and asks if you’ve seen anything strange lately.

43. Your pet gets an invite from the Thieves Guild asking for him/her to join the next Guildmaster’s Dinner.

44. You catch your pet trying to sneak his/her way to the back door of a shop.

45. You can’t recall that you ever cut holes in your ski mask.

46. Not only do you get kicked out and banned from a shop whenever you bring your pet along inside the shop for just a few seconds, the shopkeeper sends out his petpet Bearogs to chase you out of the marketplace and ensure that you’ll never ever bring your pet one foot near his shop ever again.

47. The Pant Devil wants your pet’s autograph.

48. Whenever your pet meets a new friend of yours, the first thing your pet looks at is your friend’s pockets.

49. Your pet is listed in Neopia’s Most Wanted List for thievery.

And finally, we come to sign #50, my personal favorite and perhaps the surest sign that your pet has definitely turned thief…

50. You wake up at 2:00 in the morning to the sound of violent knocking on your front door. When you finally muster the strength to crawl out of bed and wrench the front door open, you come face to face with an officer asking if you’re the owner of the pet he has handcuffed to him. You turn your head in disbelief to discover that it, indeed, is your pet, with one of his/her hands in handcuffs while the other hand’s holding a bag of stolen goods, who’s standing there, giving you the most innocent smile that he/she could muster…

-Yami shifts his eyes to glare at Azurette, his blue Aisha, who’s doing her best to act innocent- I have NEVER been so humiliated in my entire life…

Azurette: But Yami! The stuff in the bag was for the poor and homeless! Honest!

…fellow readers, heed my warning. If your should come across any one of these signs, please do your very best to lead your pet away from the path of the marauder before your pet publicly humiliates you.

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