Chet Flash wuz here Circulation: 172,294,116 Issue: 400 | 10th day of Swimming, Y11
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The Neopian Times Phrases


by ginny_invisible

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The Neopian Times Phrases: Now with 50% more useless text

Does the phrase "Neopia's Fill-in-the-blank News Source" sound familiar to you? What about "Battle Quills... ready!"? If so, you have been spending far too much time with your nose in an issue of the Neopian Times.

Our honorable news source, on the line below the title, always has a witty, if strange, phrase on the far left. Whether it makes you laugh, confuses you, or prompts you to go on a question-asking rampage, determined to find out who Chet Flash is, it is always a vital part of the Neopian Times.

It really is quite an enjoyable pastime to just refresh for hours, reading all the different phrases. You may want to try it for a while.

However, where did they come from? What do they mean? We are here to help in the first ever compilation of the Neopian Times Random Phrases.

13. Neopia's Fill-in-the-blank News Source

This could be said to be the official catch-phrase of the Neopian Times, in place since the times of the yellow layout with the gold JubJub mascot. It is the first thing that will appear on the page the first time you go to it without refreshing. It is named thusly because it is Neopia's only newspaper (well, besides the Ugga Ugg Times). It is fill-in-the-blank because, well, we (Neopia) write it! Instead of having an editor create the entire newspaper, it is compiled of weekly submissions from Neopians just like you and me. The only section that is written by the Neopets Team is the editorial. Besides that, all the articles, stories, comics, and series are written by Neopians. Without them, we wouldn't have a newspaper.

12. Meow

No one quite knows where this phrase came from. Is it shameless advertising from the Petpet Protection League, using subliminal messaging to persuade Neopia to help the Warf Rescue Team in rescuing more Kadoaties? Others surmise Kadoaties are using mind control and cute, wide eyes to infiltrate the Neopian Times and add their own personal message to the public. Next time the Neopian Times meows at you, it may be prudent to answer with a "Meow!" back.

11. White Weewoos don't exist. *shifty eyes*

Yes, they do! They are rare, they are expensive, but you can find them in a Neopian Gallery and you can buy them if you are rich enough. White Weewoos are the official mascot of the Neopian Times, and if you wish to show your support or your status as an official Times writer, attach one of these adorable Petpets to your Neopet. We don't know what they're talking about.

This is most probably another conspiracy. The Neopian Times does attempt those once in a while.

10. Now with 50% more useless text

The percentage of useless text in the Neopian Times has increased exponentially over the ages. Once in a while, you will find a factually accurate article or a true story in the Times, but this is very rare and will call for a celebration and the archiving of the said article or story. At the publishing of this article, statistics propose that about 53% of all articles, stories, or comics are completely made up!

This should not, of course, dissuade you from reading the Times. Everyone enjoys a fine afternoon of reading a newspaper filled, front to back, with nothing but useless gibberish.

9. Caution: Quills may be sharp

Do not, repeat, do not disturb a Neopian Times writer when they are in the midst of scribbling down the ending to a submission. They can become extremely violent. This caution disclaimer originated when a small, yellow Aisha disturbed a green Grarrl who had been finishing an Altador Cup coverage. The innocent Aisha opened the door unawares, causing the Grarrl to jump up, startled, and spill his juice all over his newly finished article.

Incensed, the Grarrl began to chase the Aisha all over Meridell with the nearest weapon, which happened to be a Neopian Times Quill. It is her testimony which became this notable phrase.

8. Sanity is forbidden

Would you like to become a Neopian Times Writer? Well, joining this exclusive club includes acquiescence to a hundred-and-two page contract of rules. The #1 Rule, at the very top, is "Sanity is forbidden". Are you reasonable? Do you hold to a code of ethics which requires you to always tell the truth? Do you lack a sense of humor? Are you unwilling to look completely crazy and say things that make absolutely no sense? If so, the Neopian Times is not the place for you.

We are a wonderfully crazy community.

7. Chet Flash wuz here

This is, quite obviously, a testimonial by the elusive Chet Flash of his presence in the Neopian Times. No one quite knows who he is, what he looks like, or what Neopet species he is, but he has made a mark in the history of the Times and no one will quite forget him. He is, quite frankly, the "inside joke" of the Neopian Times, referred to in comics, articles, and stories. Does he exist? We don't know. This random phrase is just taunting those of us who wish to solve his mystery, yet again.

6. A Yurble stole my cinnamon roll!

It has been a long-standing tradition that, in all meetings of Neopian Times writers, artists, or editors, a Yurble will always steal all the doughnuts, muffins, bagels, or cinnamon rolls provided in these breakfast meetings. Why? We don't know. We guess Yurbles just like breakfast food being consumed by those involved in the Times. However, whenever you officially become a Neopian Times addict by publishing your first piece, you also officially forego all future enjoyment of any cinnamon rolls. It is worth it.

5. teh 1337est n00zpaper

The Neopian Times is the ONLY newspaper! Therefore, it is also the 1337est. Don't be fooled by this Random Phrase; we do not tolerate any use of chatspeak in the Times. Don't try submitting any articles or stories that make use of the substitution of letters by numbers; they will promptly be denied. However, it is always fun to let go of our grammar obsessions and support 0ur f4v0rite n00zpaper 1!

4. Invisible Paint Brushes rock

Since the beginning of time, Neopians have always loved invisible text. It is always fun to make a section of text invisible, which means it must be highlighted to be seen. It is then fun to go "HAHAHAHAHA you didn't see it in the first place!"

Immature? Of course not. And we Neopian Times writers are no different. Have fun highlighting away.

3. Enter the Snowflake's lair...

Before the current editor, the name of the editor used to be called Snowflake. This is, no doubt, a message left over by the infamous Snowflake, establishing her regime over the Neopian Times and making all Neopians aware that, though she is gone, her legacy will live on forever and one who enters the world of the Neopian Times will continue to become her minion.

You may think the choice of the word "lair" could be a little creepy, and wish to exercise caution before entering the Times. If so, you're probably right, but exercising caution is always a good idea anyway.

2. There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots

There has long been an ant infestation in the Neopian Times. Wherever we Times writers go, we find ants in our T-Shirts, in our hats, in our shoes. It is quite strange. This is merely another complaint by a frustrated writer. Pay it no mind, and, of course, don't be put off from your aspirations of becoming a Neopian Times writer!

1. Battle Quills... ready!

We writers and artists of the Neopian Times WILL take over the world! Armed with Battle Quills and ferocious Weewoos, we will make our way into Neopia and subvert them all into reading the Neopian Times. MUAHAHAHA.

Someday.

There may, of course, be other Random Phrases than those named above. If you wish to add to this compilation of random phrases, feel free to spend a year or two refreshing. You'll find it quite enlightening.

DISCLAIMER: All of the facts, statistics, and completely-made-up information stated in this article should not be taken as true! It's all in fun... really.

Happy 400th publication!

 
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