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Mysteries of the Altador Cup


by mark600929

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You may be thinking to yourself at the moment, “Mysteries of the Altador Cup? I know everything about the Altador Cup, what mysteries could there be?” or maybe “There isn’t enough space to fit all of the mysteries of the Altador Cup in the 50,000 word maximum of a Neopian Times article!” if you look at things from my perspective. Though, I hope not “What is the Altador Cup?” or some other really sad question that you may have in mind.

To avoid those aggravating Neomails I know I’ll get if I don’t explain the last possible thought (Most likely from the people that do in fact know what the Altador Cup is, just trying to do something “funny”), I’ll come out and explain them before I start talking about the main focus of the article. The Altador Cup is where 16 teams from currently 17 lands are pitted against each other in a tournament where each team tests their skills in the game, Yooyuball, to decide the winner of the tournament, who receives gold, following Second for Silver, and Third for Bronze.

Yes, I did say 17 lands. “Somehow” every year ever since the second Altador Cup, one team each year doesn’t participate. You could call this a mystery, but because I’m assuming the majority of the readers of this article know the reason behind it, and I don’t feel it necessarily earns an explanation in this article.

On to the actual Article; the Altador Cup is filled with many mysteries. Some obvious to everyone, and there is no doubt they will go through any sane Neopian’s mind at least once (though most likely, in one ear, out the other). Others are found out of curiosity, or from thinking just a few inches outside the box. And still some, that are stumbled upon randomly, from no initial interest until found.

Whatever of those reasons, I’ve happened to gather a few of these Altador Cup Mysteries, along with my thoughts and/or theories. I at least hope that there will be a handful of Neopians who will have the curiosity, intelligence, or whatever reason to read this article on the Mysteries of the Altador Cup, instead of going back to slinging slushies, pondering on the best way to score with a Darigan Yooyu, or whatever Altador Cup related thing you may have previously been doing before wandering over to the Neopian Times, and then this article.

***

The reason Altador even started the Altador Cup?

I fail to see why the Altadorians wanted to bring nearly all of Neopia together in a game inspired by them, when the 15 other teams participating in the Tournament, with absolutely no experience on the first Cup, were able to pummel them into one of the worst teams in the games’ three year history. It just didn’t add up, which led me to believe that there is a different reason behind this.

Theory One:

King Altador has befriended Dr. Sloth, and planned to gather the world’s top athletes and hundreds of thousands of their fans in one area, in which they both would overthrow Neopia starting from there. King Altador would have thousands of workers to expand Altador and Create Neopia’s Greatest Empire, while Dr. Sloth would have as many neopets to enslave as he desires. Because Sloth was recently sucked into a Medallion to float endlessly in space, the plan that was to take effect on the Third Altador Cup didn’t go through. Not wanting word to get out that the whole Purpose of the Altador Cup was to gather the world to attack and enslave them, the Altador Cup still continues.

Theory Two:

A short and simple one, King Altador was running out of miscellaneous stuff to give out to the thousands of Neopians who helped free Altador of the thousand year slumber set upon them by the Darkest Faerie. In an effort to lose everyone’s attention of the daily items, he created the Altador Cup. Unfortunately for him, this ended up worsening. The thousands who participated flooded to collect their prizes after they were done for the day with Yooyuball. After seeing this also caused a large bounce in sales at Altadorian shops like Legendary Petpets, Magical Marvels, and Exquisite Ambrosia, King Altador decided to keep the large tourism attracting event going on year after year.

The Clockwork Yooyu

In this little ball of Pain, I have found several mysterious things that surround it. For one thing, a living, breathing petpet, with the ability to asplode? Is that even possible? This mystery has been the most troublesome I’ve come across of, and drove me insane for a few days (which actually isn’t that hard to do; I’d freak out over anything). Anyway, as I said very briefly above, how could a living, breathing petpet explode? The thought of any other petpet, neopets, or even petpetpet suddenly exploding and sending you flying roughly 1-10 feet would send shivers down my spine. Why could TNT ever allow such content on Neopets?

My Theory:

Easy. The Clockwork Yooyu doesn’t explode. It merely releases a gush of air and smoke around it. The gush of air would result in the push you feel when the Yooyu “explodes.” In the half a second following the release of the smoke where the smoke clears, the Clockwork Yooyu would roll out of sight. This would also cause the “bang” noise you hear from the Yooyu “exploding” and the bits of sparks around it, which is from the upset in the air around it. To get a better understanding of this, think of it as that immense storm back when you were sailing off the shores of Shenkuu. The upset in air creates lightning. The lightning creates the loud “BOOM” of thunder. Take all of that, and shrink it down to the scale of a Yooyu.

Techo Super-Fan

After I ventured down to the lower righthand corner of the audience, where the Techo Super-Fan usually resides, making sure to stay at least 30 feet away from him (which is about the distance where you are almost one hundred percent guaranteed that your ear drums won’t burst from his intense screaming), I realized that he only knows flat out Gibberish. Some common things I heard were “vjvjvjvjvjvjvjvjvj” and “gdgdgdgdgdgdgd”, each one lasting exactly a minute before he would start up a new chant. This led me to wonder, does the Techo-Super Fan know any language, besides random keyboard stroking?

My Theory:

The Techo Super-Fan is under control of the Meepit overlords. Because there is a no petpet policy for the Altador coliseum, the Meepits had to find a way in, that wouldn’t attract too much attention to the Meepits themselves. They took an unsuspecting Neopet, hypnotized him, and let him go free to participate in the Altador Cup. Shortly after the competition started, this Techo somehow broke free of his hypnotization, though it had some lasting effects. The hypnotization messed with his mind, and he lost the ability to speak in a way that people can understand. The Gibberish is his best attempt at speaking. He is most likely trying to get the Yooyuball players to throw a fire Yooyu right at his head, as the blow would be enough to give him a concussion, and when he would wake up, he would have the ability to speak once again. His screaming of “Gibberish” at the Yooyuball players is what makes people believe he is cheering, and is how he got the name “Techo Super-Fan”.

The News Reporters

Here we are. About to play Yooyuball. You decide to actually listen to what the Altador Cup News Reporters, the Disco Ixi to the left, the Red Grarrl to the right, are saying. Feeling your stomach rumble, you decide to grab a bite to eat before clicking that “Continue” button. On coming back, you’re greeted with the Disco Ixi saying “No, we don’t know when you will be able to redeem your points at the prize shop, so stop asking.”

I don’t know about you, but I seem to recall that the prize shop would open July 7th NST, according to the Frequently Asked Questions page of the Altador Cup. I find it a bit fishy of these silly statements of the reporters. Other common things they might say would be (along with my comments towards them):

“There are some slushies that could use some slinging; you might want to look into that.”

Being Altador Cup news reporters, shouldn’t you know that there is an entire game about “some slushies that could use some slinging?”

“You know, while you’re there sitting there, staring at us, your team’s opponent is racking up points by playing. Get out of here!”

Excuse me, but aren’t you guys the ones staring at me? You guys always briefly explain your opinions on the teams you are reporting, then look up and stare at the person about to play the game.

“Hurry along, your team's getting tired of you waiting to start the match. They can’t play without you, you know.

So, they admit to being aware that all of our team’s Yooyuball players are just our little puppets to control while we play?

“Hey, the faster you start the match, the faster we can get out of these awful itchy jackets. Go on already....”

Don’t most big time news reporters use their millions of neopoints to buy the best quality things out there? Just complain to the Altador Cup committee that the jackets are itchy, and you’ll have two new 750,000 neopoint jackets flying your way.

Then a spyder comes out of nowhere, on a line of web. He comes down to just above the red Grarrl reporter, does a spin, and winds himself back up. Neither Reporter ever seems to take notice.

These are some strange things to see out of news reporters. Most reporters know nearly everything about the game, and have loads of energy from their Banana Cream Coffee, Phear Coffee, Purplum Mocha, or whatever treat you may find in the coffee shop back in Neopia Central. You don’t ever see news reporters say two things, and then do nothing but nag you to start the game, where they will most likely sleep and be lazy, when you do. This only could mean one thing for this insane Neopian Times writer.

Meepits.

My Theory:

It didn't take long for the Meepits to discover that there were Neopets in higher power than the Techo Super-Fan. While it was still a sign up day, the Meepits abandoned the whole normal Neopian scheme, and went right for the reporter. Though the hypnotization method was intended for use on a Petpet, it just barely worked on the Techo-Super-Fan, until it wore off soon after. They had to resort to brainwashing, a tricky method of control. Knowing that having the old fashioned brainwashing helmet sticking on the reporters' heads would get them caught, they took two jackets, and spread an itchy substance, (known only to the Meepits as “meep meep”), on the inside of the jackets. They then left them on the news reporters' desks with a note reading, “We, the members of the Altador Cup Committee, ask that you wear these official Altador Cup jackets at anything that is to go onto Neovision.” When put on, the itchy substance on the jackets will be absorbed by the fur, skin, scales, or feathers of that Neopet, where the substance will travel to the brain, and brainwashing will commence.

This type of brainwashing is designed so that whatever the Neopet being brainwashed sees or hears is sent to a large databank hidden on Virtupets, where the Meepits hide. All at the same time, the Neopet acts normal (that is, if the person doing the brainwashing wants that to be, of course), though they slowly change after a long term use, in which they become impatient, complain a lot, and point out the obvious. Because the change is so slow, almost nobody notices the change in attitude.

***

Well, those are what I thought to be the most intriguing mysteries of the Altador Cup. As a short disclaimer, yes, I was on guard and protected just in case the Meepits were behind me reading what I was typing about them, throughout the creation of this article.

Anyway, I’m hoping that, first of all, you enjoyed this article of course, but also, that you will begin to see things in the Altador Cup with a more open eye. There is always something strange, mysterious, and elusive out there. It’s up to you to find it.

 
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