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MumboGrundo's Personal Guide to the Neocola Machine

by carrotopian


Written by yours truly, edited by my owner, typos in the item descriptions by TNT (who should give my owner a job; she could correct the errors and make excellent coffee - all with a winning smile *ting*).

It is no secret that I am a voracious reader and that I particularly enjoy Booktastic Books; in fact I like them so much that [shameless plug alert] I have dedicated my entire, award-winning Pet Page to them. You should drop by there sometime and read all about how to get the Booktastic Book Award for your Neopet[s]. Booktastic Books are available to restock from Bernard’s Booktastic Book shop on Kreludor, Neopia's moon; I make frequent visits there to buy new titles to read and it was on one of my early trips that I discovered the mysterious Neocola Machine.

Now, it just so happens that one of my favourite Booktastic Books is called: 'Guide to the Neocola Machine' (the book itself looks just like a smaller version of the real Neocola Machine) and, since it is an extremely rare and expensive tome, I thought I would show off... I mean share... yes... share some of my acquired knowledge.

To be honest, I am always a little afraid of visiting Kreludor as not only can it be rather gloomy and dusty (it is absolutely excruciating getting the Kreludan grime out from between my toes when I come back home – you have simply no idea how many cotton buds and tubs of baby powder I get through) but also, I am constantly worried that Dr. Frank Sloth is going to pop up from behind a rock and try to enslave me. To this end, I never go there alone but always with my owner and, I hold onto her hand very tightly the whole time – just to make sure she is safe, of course!

So, once you have arrived on Kreludor and found the Neocola Machine, you might notice that the sign on the front is actually taped over the original sign. This might raise your suspicions; especially since the flash banner emblazoned in the top right-hand corner corner warns: DRINK IT OR PERISH!

Assuming that you have not been put off by the possibility of a DOOM-laden event, you will need to put a Neocola Token into the Neocola Machine in order to use it. They are not prohibitively expensive and you can restock these from the Space Weaponry shop on the Space Station or buy them from user shops; there are three variations on the Neocola Token theme: Red Neocola Tokens, Green Neocola Tokens and Blue Neocola Tokens (I like the Green Neocola Tokens best). Each token (regardless of colour) bears an image of Dr. Frank Sloth and the legend: “Mmmm, there is nothing better than a tasty can of doo... erm I mean Neocola.”

Once you have selected your Neocola Token, your next task is to decide which flavour of Neocola you would like to try. Your choices are: Dr. Slother, Diet Doom, Na'cho Cola, Smite, Alt-Tab, Minion Maid, Mountain Poo and Dehydrated H2O. Again, this all seems rather suspicious to me since looking more closely, one can also see that the writing on the buttons does not correspond to the flavours you are apparently being offered and none of the flavours on the Neocola Machine correspond even vaguely to the Neocola varieties available in Neopian shops. Allegedly, nobody has ever had a regular can of Neocola dispensed (aside from the Dented Can of Neocola and Shaken-up Can of Neocola but I would not care to sample either of those, thank you very much), whilst further investigation reveals that the side of the Neocola Machine bears the legend: DOOM DISPENSER 3000. Hmmm...

Finally [that may be ironic – we shall see], you must decide how many times you are going to press the red button: 0, 1, 2, 3, 10 or 42 (according to Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, 42 is the answer to the life, universe, everything). When you have made your choice of button presses, you will receive a random number of Neopoints and a ‘Booby Prize’, which could be any of the following:

Baby Space Fungus (Petpet)

Neopets Description: It will grow really, REALLY big eventually.

Wind Up Dr. Sloth Toy (Toy)

Neopets Description: It will attempt to take over the universe... till it winds down.

Non-Sticky Sticky Hand (Toy)

Neopets Description: Utterly useless, but your Kadoatie may want to play with it.

Dastardly Evil Fuzzle (Plushie)

Neopets Description: Hello, I am a cute Evil Fuzzle. I want to take over the world by enslaving an entire species of Neopet *cough* I mean, be your friend.

Plastic Ring of Sloth (Gift)

Neopets Description: All the evil in the world is contained in this tacky plastic ring.

Fake Neocola Token on a String (Gift)

Neopets Description: Bah, this doesn't work in the neocola machine!

Fake Sloth Tattoo (Wearable Gift)

Neopets Description: All Neopets will be thrilled to have this tattoo. I command it!

I Club Sloth T-Shirt (Wearable Gift)

Neopets Description: There must have been a mistake at the printers.

Kreludan Grundo Slippers (Wearable Clothes)

Neopets Description: Orange always goes on the left foot!

Sponge Grundo Sponge (Grooming)

Neopets Description: Confused yet?

Dented Can of Neocola (Food)

Neopets Description: Are you sure it's still safe to drink?

Gummy Baby Space Fungus (Food)

Neopets Description: It even has the same texture as the real thing!

Lint-Covered Peanut (Food)

Neopets Description: Unless you pulled this out of your own pocket, we would advise *not* eating it.

Sloth Gummies (Food)

Neopets Description: Mmmm... these are tasty if you like slime.

Super Energy Blast Drink (Food)

Neopets Description: Get a boost of energy that lasts for minutes.

Virtupets Brand Doomsday Device (Neohome)

Neopets Description: There's no better way to rid yourself of an entire planet than with the Virtupets Brand Doomsday Device, guaranteed!

Shaken-up Can of Neocola (Battledome)

Neopets Description: This one's gonna go BOOM.

Rumours abound that it is also possible to receive a random Transmogrification Potion from the Neocola Machine; I have used the machine many, many times and although I have received all of the prizes listed previously, I have never seen the Neocola Machine dispense a Transmogrification Potion; my owner is so curious that she has even written to the Editorial about it but we are still none the wiser.

In conclusion then, as much as tinkering with the Neocola Machine might seem to be a DOOM-related accident waiting to happen, it is nevertheless somewhat amusing pressing all those buttons and I find that I cannot help myself. Therefore, I feel duty-bound to warn you that using Neocola Tokens can be addictive, the results are likely to be unpredictable and you should always use the Neocola Machine responsibly. Good luck, I am off to eat a few bananas...

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