Aristocratic Letters

Recently I have learned of your desire to play Gourmet Club Bowls with me. I would like to reply evenly, HA. No one is a match for Lord van Eyck. I am simply appalled you even asked. Do not be offended, but I believe I am not worthy of such an opponent as you. In fact, I deserve a greater opponent—far, far greater.

Your truly,

Lord van Eyck

***

Dear Lord van Eyck,

My dear Eyrie, did your beak get caught in the freezer again? My maid told me of how you bought those dreadful items from an Igloo Garage Sale on your vacation in Terror Mountain. It is a shame you did not venture to visit the great legendary Snowager, as all brave neopets do, but instead you go visit two Chias with too much junk in their little snow house.

I am glad you do not wish to compete with me. It’s because you will surely lose, and you will lose face. Your beak is already crooked as it is.

Yours heartedly,

Lady von Cybunny

***

Dear Lady von Cybunny,

My beak is fine, my humble Cybunny. In fact, my entire wardrobe is fine. I own the finest tailored clothes in all of Neopia. My mistress tells me you have been wearing your window drapes again as a scarf. Fashionable, fashionable. Pray, dear, you have heard of the Second-Hand Shoppe in Neopia Central?

I am sure they have fine clothes there that will suit you very well.

Sincerely,

Lord van Eyck

***

Dearest Lord van Eyck,

I reside finely in the sweet land of Altador. I do not wish to visit the bustling Neopia Central anytime. It is entirely not for folks of my nature. I have heard it is a dirty, grimy place with pocket thieves everywhere.

And of course you of all Eyries would have known about the Second Hand Shoppe. I expected nothing less. As for myself, I have never heard about any thrift stores ever. You must go shopping there all the time?

Kindest regards,

Lady von Cybunny

***

Dear Lady von Cybunny,

I hear Altador gets flooded frequently, does it not? Perhaps you should hire a town janitor. I hear the custodian in the Hall of Heroes does a terrible job keeping the place orderly. Meanwhile, the lovely, smart, intelligent, sophisticated, smart place of Brightvale where I reside is lovelier and smarter than ever. One can almost breathe in the smell of intelligence. Perhaps you should try the town’s Wheel of Knowledge. It awards some excellent prizes in my opinion. It especially awards lots of books, of which you, my dear Cybunny, need immediately. (They help increase your intelligence quotient, hint, hint.)

Sincerely,

Lord van Eyck

***

My Lord van Eyck,

Thank you very much, but as a fellow Altadorian, I prefer stargazing rather than read silly little books on fantasies. And even if the books were not about fantasies, I still do not care to read about the history of Air Faeries or whatsoever. Reading is for people with nothing better to do in their time, which is why I am most disappointed in myself for reading your letters.

This morning I looked outside at my garden and found my flowers had bloomed at last. Their beauty is unmatched, my ersatz Eyrie, and they produce a sense of beauty and blissfulness in the air. I, unlike you, prefer nature much more than silly scraps of paper on which wasteful, meaningless words are written upon.

I should have known from the start that you are not a nature-lover, Lord van Eyck, and how silly of me to have asked to play against you in a game of Gourmet Club Bowls. It now is truly crystal clear you would have defiantly refused, because you are a bookworm, my friend, and not an athlete like us Altadorians. And therefore you would have lost to me too much to bear.

Yours,

Lady von Cybunny

***

Dearest Lady von Cybunny,

Your last letter made me laugh literally out loud. Are you truly insane? Books are the meaning of life. Without them, from where should one learn knowledge? Books, according to King Hagan himself, are the necessity of life itself. But call me a bookworm, you dare? Bring it on!

Saturday, four o’clock, at the Petpet Park: you and I will compete in a game of Gourmet Club Bowls. The Park has enough open spaces, so you will be able to feel at home with your nature loving character. I hope you take this invitation seriously, as I do not frequently accept challenges from amateurs.

May the winner gloat for eternity, and may the loser weep in despair.

Awaiting,

Lord van Eyck

***

Lord van Eyck,

Bring it on.

Kindest regards,

Lady von Cybunny

***

6 days later

Dear Lady von Cybunny,

I must say the game this weekend was quite extraordinary. The sun was shining brightly in my eyes, and that may be the reason for our tie. Still, as much as I hate to admit it, you are a worthy opponent. The way you knocked those bowls out of bounds!

However, keep in mind that had nature been on my side instead, I would have won greatly. As it is, congratulations on our equaled victory.

Yours truly,

Lord van Eyck

***

My Lord van Eyck,

Do not be ridiculous. Nature favors no one. Haven’t your little Brightvale books taught you that already?

Yes, I do admire my skill at Gourmet Club Bowls. And as much as I hate to admit, I admire your talent at the game as well. Perhaps someday I shall win.

Until then, may we still keep in touch by letter? Writing to you has been greatly enjoyable, surprising as it is.

Yours,

Lady von Cybunny

***

My Lady von Cybunny,

Why of course. If the lady requests to keep in touch, then I, as a gentleman, will gladly obey. We Brightvale men are taught to handle situations with courtesy and civility. Besides, Lady von Cybunny, being of the upper class, we have known each other since we were very little, so even if we did not wish to keep in touch, alas we must.

Would you like to compete in a game of Tyrannian mini golf sometime?

Sincerely,

Lord van Eyck

***

Dear Lord van Eyck,

Thank you for your kind invitation, but I would like to reply HA. Though I do usually keep to the premises of little Altador, I have been to Tyrannia before and played mini golf with some dear friends of mine. And I am sorry, Lord van Eyck, but you are simply no match for me.

I am appalled you even asked.

Yours truly,

Lady von Cybunny

***

My dear Lady von Cybunny,

Did your ears get stuck in the ground again? I know about your Meepit experience a few years back, thanks to several gossiping butlers in my household.

I am glad you do not wish to play against me. You might actually lose your ears once you see how much better I am at mini golf. As it is, a Cybunny without ears is a dreadful sight, and I wish to save myself from the image.

Yours,

Lord van Eyck

***

The moral of the story: Aristocrats bicker just like we regular folks do—perhaps even more! However, they are very polite while bickering, and this we should learn from them.

The End