Chet Flash wuz here Circulation: 172,294,116 Issue: 400 | 10th day of Swimming, Y11
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Confessions of a Giant Squid


by fallingrain05

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You, dear Reader, are holding in your hands (if what you have are hands; if not, feel free to put in whatever is it you have) what is considered the most spine-tingling, heart-wrenching, seizure-inducing piece of literature ever.

     No, not the Grimoire of Thade. Quit looking at the Hidden Tower, you goons.

     No, it is THE story, the story of yours truly. The story of a Giant Squid, king of all that is Underwater and Fishing.

     I see you are shaking your head in puzzlement, as to why would such an esteemed being as myself would be sharing such a gripping tale with you all. Well, the answer is simple, as I believe that you all out on the –ugh- dry lands need a little educating.

     First off, some introductions. I also believe that I have already introduced myself as Giant Squid, king of all that is Underwater and Fishing. I believe that I am a truly sought after individual, as millions of Neopians slave endlessly to obtain a little square box bearing my form. But, I also wonder, as how can such a tiny box encompass such wonder such as me?

     Being the king of all that is Underwater and Fishing, I have responsibility over everything that is Underwater and Fishing. And thus, I have to deal with many problems daily, for example, the increasing number of discarded footwear on the sea floor as well as the sharp decline in underwater flora, as Neopians find it extremely essential to fish them out now and then.

     I didn’t use to have to bear all this responsibility alone, oh no, I used to be friends with another Giant Squid, but both of us were once involved in a heated fight that nearly killed us both.

     ***

     “Jelly World does not exist!” I screamed, chucking a rusty old can at him.

     “Does so!” he tossed a mossy rock at me.

     “You Blithering Blumaroo!” I screeched. “Next you’ll be saying that Meepits exist!”

     “You’re the Ignorant Ixi!” he hollered back. “They both exist!”

     “Pfft, you Exasperating Elephante! That’s about as preposterous as a bunch of Neopians trying desperately to obtain a tiny picture of an orange Blumaroo!” An old boot sailed in his direction.

     Needless to say, after a long exchange of insulting alliterations and sea floor garbage, we decided to call it quits. So he left me and proclaimed himself the sole king of all that is Underwater and Fishing.

      ***

     But, enough about that, as I was saying previously, I am a very sought after individual. That is why many Neopians send their pets, armed with the dreadful tool known as the fishing pole, to invade my territory and catch me.

     Not that I mind the attention, but enough is enough.

     I thought that lobbing the occasional rusty old can at their heads would solve the problem, but as proven earlier, chucking old pieces of metal at the source of your problems is not a solution.

     I had finally decided that I had to get a little rough with these guys. If I could scare them a little, maybe they would go away. Besides, all they seemed to want was that little picture box and it’s not as if people would spend millions of Neopoints or something for that, right?

     My first vic-, I mean, candidates, was a family of three Pteris, and an egg. Their owner dropped them off at the docks where they set up that horrible pole.

     “See, ya, darlings,” she chimed in a sugary falsetto, “take care of the egg, I’ll be back soon.”

     Saying so, she thrust the egg into the arms of a green Pteri and ambled off, adjusting the headband on her head that read ‘I Pteris’. In between the words was a little symbol they resembled two bumps above a downward pointing arrow. I would have thought that the word ‘love’ would have been a better choice, but then, not everyone is blessed with such an analytical mind.

     “Oh boy, Carmella, you think you’ll get the avatar this time?” I heard a younger voice say.

     I didn’t pause to ponder what this mysterious “avatar’ was, as I was busy putting my master plan into action.

     I heard more voices above, and I assumed that it was what Neopians called conversation, so far, my plan was working perfectly.

     “Oh darn, Jordan, I forgot to bring the snacks!” came a voice above. “I’ll go get some now, it must have slipped my mind.”

     Well, I thought, no matter how slippery her mind was, she would never expect what was to come next.

     Gingerly, I entwined my tentacle around the wooden support beams of the docks, counted to three, and broke them.

     I heard shrieks from above, and laughed to myself. Those Pteris never knew what hit them! I popped my head out of the water to survey the effects of my master plan, but then I realized that I had made one small miscalculation in conceiving it.

     Well, how was I supposed to know that Pteris can fly?

     The entire family was hovering above the water with shocked looks on their faces. I was just about to decide that the plan was a failure, when I heard one of them say:

     “Hey, where’d the egg go?”

     Egg? I thought I had heard something go plop! into the water...

     Diving inside, I rejoiced to find a little yellow striped egg lying there. This will teach those interfering Neopets. I had a mind to crush the little thing, but since the king of all that is Underwater and Fishing was merciful, the egg was duly spared.

     I hid it in a safe corner in the walls of the cave, as the Pteris left the cave, squawking miserably. Mission accomplished, I thought to myself, only now, I had burdened myself to what would be a potential pole wielding dry-lander.

     The egg was silent next to me, as if demanding my attention.

     “What do you want,” I snapped, “You excruciating egg.”

     “Hey you!” came a familiar voice behind me. “You who are not the king of all that is Underwater and Fishing.”

     I turned around to see my ex-friend Giant Squid, for the ease of those who are reading this; I will refer to him as Bob.

     “What do you want,” I snapped at him, feeling a sense of déjà vu.

     “You brought in a dry-lander to these sacred waters,” Bob accused.

     “Well, it was part of a master plan to protect all that is Underwater and Fishing,” I told him.

     He laughed at me, and told me I was a stupid sardplant, before proceeding to flick a random can at me. I maintained my dignified pose, and managed to look as dignified as one can look after being hit on the head by the remnants of a Neocola can.

     “I will do as I please,” I said to him, starring at him with my unwavering eyes.

     He dropped his gaze first, and swam off, muttering under his breath.

     “We used to be friends, you know,” I found myself telling the egg, “Good friends.”

     The egg was silent, and I took that to mean that he was listening.

     “We used to rule these waters together, and we were both known as the kings of all that is Underwater and Fishing. Those were good times,” I pondered, “But what do you know, you’re a dry-lander.”

     The egg didn’t speak.

     “You think you know me so well, huh,” I accused it. “Well, you don’t.”

     The egg seemed to sigh.

     “You think you can understand, and comprehend the feelings of an esteemed being such as myself?” I was shocked at such a notion. “All right then, I will see it myself.”

     The egg seemed to beckon me.

     “We both grew up together, from when we were small giant squids, to giant giant squids, and to Giant Squids, with the capital letters,” I told it, “and we made a vow that we would always be together, and always have each other’s back.”

     I blanched at how sappy I sounded, but the egg did not criticize me.

     “But it seems he has forgotten that vow,” I continued, “and proclaimed himself sole king of all that is Underwater and Fishing. The word ‘sole’ implies that I am not part of it.”

     The egg seemed to understand.

     I continued talking to it, and realized that what I was having was in fact, a conversation, something I had been deprived of for well, quite a long time. The egg was a good listener; it listened to everything I had to say, and never told me I was wrong.

     Well, it never told me I was right either.

     But I found solace in the little guy, and began thinking that maybe not all dry-landers were so bad. I told it that I believed that there were worlds outside the water: That there was a place floating in the clouds, an island that had a face-like protrusion and someplace that resembled a hamburger when viewed from far off.

     These notions I harbored were so preposterous that I had not dared tell anyone about them, and yet, here was a three-dimensional oval I was compelled to pour my heart out to. It was baffling, and strangely consoling.

     “You know, egg,” I told it one day, “you’re the best friend I could ever have. So much so that I will proclaim you heir to all that is Underwater and Fishing.”

     The egg stood still.

     “What do you mean, you don’t accept the post?” I demanded.

     The egg conveyed its silence to me.

     “What, you’re leaving? When? How?”

     “...”

     “Soon?! But we were barely acquainted! I mean-” Recognition dawned on me. “That’s right, you’re from up there. From the world of soil and, ugh, air. I knew this day would come, but I never imagined so soon...”

     “...”

     “So, you’re saying I’m on my own now? But I still need you!”

     “...”

     “What do you mean; I still have somebody I can trust?”

     “...”

     But my brief conversation was cut short when a fishing pole, aimed with a deadly accuracy, came flying towards my head. I panicked. Whoever was wielding the rod was no amateur, and probably a seasoned Giant Squid catcher.

     I seized the egg and swam away, just as the rod took another deadly swipe at my head. I cheered inside; those foolish Neopians think they can outwit the King of all that is Underwater and Fishing so easily.

     But my cheering was cut short when I discovered the strange lightness in my tentacles. To my horror I discovered that the egg had fallen. Cursing whoever had thought it was a good idea to not give eggs fins, I frantically dived after it.

     “Gotcha!” I cried as I caught it neatly, only to discover that a piece of rotting driftwood had landed not so neatly on one of my tentacles.

     And the rod was coming closer.

     I tried breaking free, but it was no use, that rotting driftwood was determined to pin me down.

     “This is it, little guy,” I told the egg. “It was nice knowing you.”

     This is the part where your life flashes before you. I groaned as I saw myself as a small squid. Been there, done that, I thought, can we please hurry this up? Then I saw myself as a slightly bigger squid, who had just met Bob. I remembered that at that time, I thought that he was the best squid ever. Besides me, of course.

     I closed my eyes and braced myself from the impact of the pole, but none came.

     Then there was silence; it was as if the egg had spoken.

     Slowly, I opened my eyes and saw Bob, majestic as he had always been.

     Well, as majestic as one could look with a pole impaled through the chest. But he pulled it off pretty well.

     “You,” he told me before I could get any words out, “are now king of all that is Underwater and Fishing.”

     And then he was reeled in, and I never saw him again.

     Though I hope that he had heard what my last words to him had been, which were ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’.

     ***

     Things settled in, after a fashion, as now I have to live in Bob’s legacy of being king of all that is Underwater and Fishing. The egg is also no longer with me, as I returned him to the dry-landers on that same day.

     The numbers of discarded footwear are increasing, and the abundance of sea flora is decreasing, but I can deal with that.

     So goodbye for now, because I have many King-related duties to do, and I cannot waste any more time dictating the remainder of my life to you.

     Because the rest, as they say, is history.

     ***

      Meanwhile, somewhere in Neopia Central...

     “Boy, am I glad we got that egg back,” Carmella sighed as she plunked down on the sofa.

     “Yeah!” chirped the voice of her ever enthusiastic owner, Jenny. “And I managed to get that awesome avatar too!” She proudly looked at her user lookup, which now featured a giant, bulbous yellow eye, “It was like killing two birds with one stone!”

     Carmella sighed at her tactless choice of words and glanced at the egg, “Hey...” she mumbled, “I think... it's hatching!”

     “Oh, it is!” cried Jenny, “Everyone! Front and centre! The egg is hatching!”

     The whole family had now gathered to witness this joyous event. The egg cracked slowly and broke into little pieces, revealing a new born baby Pteri.

     “Hello, little guy!” Jenny gushed. “I’m Jenny, your new mommy! Say Mommy! Say Mommy!”

     The Pteri chirped happily and shook its head before flapping its wings around frantically.

     “What’s it doing?”

     “You think its a few twigs short of a nest?”

     “Sshhh... I think it’s trying to say something!”

     The family watched in awe as the little bird waddled up to the preview of the user lookup and pointed excitedly to the little square box featured there.

     “Mommy.”

The End

Another pointless story I decided to write, but reviews are appreciated!

 
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