Life Without Toilet Paper?
I’d like to give a hand to the Neopets artists and all the clever items they’ve come up with over the years! The graphics are cool, the descriptions are hilarious, and gallery owners, Battledomers, and collectors salivate over every item they create.
That said, it’s time to get down to all the clever items they HAVEN’T come up with!
I’ve compiled a list of items that we’re still waiting for, and which are noticeably absent from Neopian life. Enjoy the list, my friends, and I hope it makes you think!
Everlasting Toilet Paper
Can you imagine life without toilet paper? Apparently the Neopets Team can, because they haven’t come up with a single toilet paper item in all the nine years they’ve been running this site! We have toilets, sinks, bathtubs, hair gel, toothbrushes, and other bathroom paraphernalia, but no toilet paper! I realize that magazines and newspapers can serve in lieu of toilet paper, but really, can anything compare to the luxurious softness of triple-ply?
The one problem with toilet paper is that it always runs out, or is in short supply. Which is why Neopian toilet paper should be Everlasting Toilet Paper! WAY more useful than an Everlasting Apple, in my opinion.
Malevolent Sentient Toilet Paper
This would be the evil counterpart to Everlasting Toilet Paper. Why settle for ordinary toilet paper when you can have toilet paper that bites you, insults you, and leaves fang marks behind? You could even get an avatar for being brave enough to use it!
Who needs an Everlasting Apple when a Neverlasting Apple is more diet-friendly and contains far less sugar? True, it might be a little lacking in the flavor department, but think of all the empty calories you would have gotten from that terrible Everlasting Apple!
The Neverlasting Apple -- before you bite it, it’s already gone!
Deodorant is a fairly important aspect of modern lifestyles. No one wants sweat stains under their armpits, and no one wants body odor to spoil their day. I’m sure our Neopets are eagerly waiting for the day that Neopets artists decide to release deodorant items into the Neopian economy, so they can socialize with one less worry on their minds!
Faerie Deodorant would definitely be the way to go. In times of stress, it could detect body heat. Then the miracle would occur. Tiny wings would sprout from your armpits, fanning away the sweat and grime. And since it’s a Faerie item, it would smell delectably of roses and Faerie dust. No talcum powder necessary!
Darigan Paper Clips
Paper clips have a myriad number of uses. They can be linked together to form chains. They can be flipped at people in a paper clip war. They can be unwound and bent into clever shapes, like stick figures and Korbats. Oh yeah, and they can hold sheets of paper together. If you want to be boring.
So why hasn’t the Neopets Team come up with paper clip items to add to their assortment of school supplies? The best items ever would be Darigan Paper Clips -- they'd claim your homework as minions and shuffle them into rank and file for you.
Snot Dishwashing Liquid
No dishwashing liquid? This is a major oversight in Neopian society, where Turkey Casseroles and Ham Casseroles are a culinary mainstay. Casserole dishes are notoriously hard to clean, and no one wants to use a lot of effort scrubbing away at them with hot water and sponges. We need dishwashing liquid!
The problem is that sometimes we don’t want to do the dishes. That’s why there should be Snot Dishwashing Liquid! Just squirt a hefty wad onto the problematic dishes and pretend that you’ve finished washing them. No one will know the difference between the clean dishes and the dirty ones!
It’s already the most popular item in Neopia, the pending item! It’s been announced in the news, but isn’t active yet! Why not honor it with its own item name and exciting picture? Hopefully it will make people drool in anticipation and haunt the shops for days on end!
Super Attack Pyramibread
It’s the most commonplace, unimpressive, and uninteresting item floating around the Neopian economy -- Pyramibread! Why not turn it into a fantastic weapon of astounding strength?
-lack of applause-
Oh come on. Like a Super Attack Pea isn’t weird?
It’s happened to all of us at one point or another. We tried to send a Neomail to a friend of ours, only to find that our message wasn’t sent because their Inbox was full. We tried to send a junk item to their account to try to contact them, but their inventories were full. And we tried to send a Battledome invite to use the comment box to communicate, but their Battledome invites were closed. What to do now?
Say hello to the Inbox Alerter! This would be the only item that could be sent to someone with a full inventory. It would sit sullenly in people’s inventories, making annoyed faces, pushing items around, and breaking toys. It would shout at odd moments to attract attention, and whine when it’s being ignored. Finally, you’d have to click on it to get rid of the annoying thing.
The Newbie Pack... er, Peck
This would be the greatest item of them all! The Newbie Peck would dispense a tiny virtual kiss to all newbie players, and ask them politely if they’re having a good time on the site so far. It would ruffle your pet’s hair when it asks clever questions, and wipe its nose when it's feeling sick or sad. The Newbie Peck would be a terrific way to bring a little sunshine to Neopia!
Well, this ends my list of items that should be introduced into Neopian life! I hope you enjoyed it, and that it made you smile!
* Special thanks to clockworthy and kapperific for their wonderful suggestions and ideas! And thanks to everyone else on the Help Neoboard who helped me brainstorm for this article!