A History of Neopian Proverbs

Sounds familiar? Neopian conversation is often littered with such colorfully metaphorical phrases.

The language of Neopia borrows its lexicon from its vastly different lands – the scorching Tyrannia, the frigid Terror Mountain, the watery (of course) Maraqua. Language is an ever evolving concept, and throughout Neopian ages, certain timeless phrases have come to be known as proverbs.

What are proverbs, you ask? A proverb is a short and simple saying popularly known and frequently repeated. They often contain Universal Truths acknowledged by most, if not all, of the Neopian population. Many proverbs have been around for so long that we use them without thought – most Neopians know nothing at all about their history. For language does not just allow us to write, read and speak—it records between its lines and phrases our past, present and future.

Here I have chosen some of my favourite proverbs to share with all of you, as well as some of the more historically significant ones! I hope you’ll enjoy them.

1. All school and no play makes Sally a dull Usul.

Once upon a time there was a Green Usul named Sally.

(She’s now arguably the most prolific collector of Usukis in Neopia. But that wasn’t always the case...)

In Neoschool, Sally wasn’t exactly popular. She was always a pretty odd child, actually. When she wasn’t studying, she was studying – or collecting. She didn’t collect Usukis back then, oh no. She collected hairy tashes, false fingernails, dust lint, carpet lint... and dung cakes.

Apparently, dung cakes were the last straw for her classmates. Long story short: Sally decided to stay at home instead of going to Neoschool. A few days later, Usukiland opened in Neopia for the first time—and the rest is history!

Now Sally has her very own game – Usuki Frenzy! – as well as 12734697 Usukis of all kinds. Anyone up for a game?

2. Don't look a Green Uni in the mouth.

Once upon a time there was a Royal Usul named Neeko.

Neeko’s owner was alright. Not great, not horrible, just alright. To her, Neeko was a perfect “trophy pet”. She looked great on shopping trips, helped garner her plenty of compliments, and perhaps the most important of all - she matched their Neohome curtains.

It came as a surprise to no one when Neeko’s owner decided to trade her for that Draik she’d been eyeing. Least of all to Neeko. And as she was led to the pound doors (assured that she’d be out in ‘an instant’), she didn’t look back.

As predicted, Neeko was whisked out of the pound faster than you can say “lolwut”. Unfortunately, she was adopted not by her new owner (let’s call her Lulu), but by a mysterious figure (let’s call him/her/it Musho) wielding a Green Uni Potion.

(You saw this one coming, didn’t you?)

Neeko bit Musho’s nose with her newly-morphed teeth. Not sure what happened to Lulu. But the Green Uni Project (and this proverb) was born.

3. A Spotted Fish never changes its spots.

Once upon a time there was a Tuskaninny named Matt.

Matt loved fishing. Every day he would journey to the Underwater Cavern to grab a fish – or shoe. On weekends, he’d don his Lucky Fishing Hat and Boots and travel up Terror Mountain to a lesser-known ice-fishing spot (his favourite). Breadfish, Butterfish, Waterfish, Giant Squid, various sea ferns – he’d seen ‘em all, caught ‘em all, ate ‘em all. Even the rotten shoes.

What he’s never managed to catch, though, is a Lesser Spotted Fish. Try as he might, he simply fails each time. Every day he tells himself: “Today will be the day!” and every day he’s disappointed.

So today, he sits at his favourite ice hole, fishing pole in hand. Fishing Level 812, and still no Lesser Spotted Fish. He sighs. “My chances of catching an imaginary Greater Spotted Fish are probably higher!”

At this point, Matt is at an emotional all time low. So what does Lulu (not the same Lulu, this one’s his friend) say to encourage him?

“Don’t give up! A Spotted Fish never changes its spots—keep trying and you’ll get there some day!”

(Matt is now of Fishing Level 1761. He’s not letting go that easy!)

4. A rolling cheese gathers no moss.

Once upon a time there was a cheese named Chadd.

(Well, not really.)

Once upon a time there was a Kau named Chadd.

(Much better, but still not quite there!)

Once upon a time there was a Techo named Chadd.

Chadd loved cheese. Really, he did. And not just because it alliterated with his name.

He honestly worshipped the ground it rolled on. He did that quite a lot – roll cheese around, I mean. In fact, he loved cheese so much, he opened a Cheeseroller stall in Meridell for cheese-rolling aficionados like himself! According to him, rolling the cheese down a hill enhances its “flavor of fermentation”, whatever that is.

“A rolling cheese gathers no moss – it gathers grass instead!”

5. Behind every Darigan is a Kass.

Once upon a time there was an Eyrie named Kass.

Lord Kass, to be precise.

(Everyone already knows that.)

Well, since everyone already knows the story, I’ll keep this one short. We all know that the true evil mastermind was Kass – that Lord Darigan surrendered!

6. It's not worth crying over spilled Achyfi.

Once upon a time there was a Royal Peophin named Maile.

Like every self-respecting Neopian out there, Maile enjoyed the flavor of a freshly-popped can of Neocola – very much. And like every self-respecting Neopian out there, Maile absolutely detested Achyfi. Achyfi was (literally) dirt. Achyfi was broccoli and carrots. Achyfi was yuck.

One day, the Neopian Food Shop was out of Neocola (popular beverage that it is). Rather unthinkingly, Maile’s owner, Patricia, bought cans of Achyfi instead.

Big mistake. Maile hated it, everyone hated it, and Patricia ended up watering the plants with it (they subsequently wilted).

Bottom line: Achyfi is not fit for any kind of consumption!

7. Let the sleeping Turmaculus lie.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Lulu.

(Again, not the same Lulu.)

Lulu owned a beautiful Peophin named Lynn, who in turn had a adorable Weewoo named Pig. Lynn was adventurous, courageous and daring – she’d turned down no challenge yet. Bathing an angry Kadoatie? Check. Questing for Jhudora? Check. Eating 10 Grackle Bugs in a row? Check.

One day, she was dared by Princasia. It would be her toughest dare yet – to awake the Turmaculus.

Lulu was busy folding origami that day, so Lynn was able to sneak off to Meridell with Prin – and Pig, of course.

The Turmaculus soon loomed huge in their field of vision.

Lynn gulped. Prin snickered. Pig cooed.

“Go on,” Prin urged. Lynn nodded bravely, picked up Pig, and approached.

First they tried hitting him with a stick—he didn’t even stir. Then they tried ringing a bell—nothing. Cold-water dumping, nose blowing, sneezing, singing, kicking, and pot-and-pan banging yielded similar results.

Lynn and Pig were exhausted. “There’s only one thing left to try,” she panted. “And I can’t tap dance.”

They looked at Prin. “Hey, where’d she go?”

8. Too many Soup Faeries spoil the soup.

Once upon a time there were many Faeries named... uh... not too sure about this “one”.

Anyway, these Faeries loved making soup. They loved serving soup, drinking soup, and giving out soup! United by this common interest, they decided to open up a Soup Kitchen in the heart of the Neopian Marketplace and feed starving Neopets soup! What a noble vision, indeed!

Unfortunately for them, they hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be working with so many people. All of these Faeries had different ideas about how to run the Kitchen – and they argued every day. They argued about which soups to serve, how many soups to serve, how different soups were cooked... day and night these arguments persisted. The soups started to taste worse and worse, and the Neopets coming grew lesser and lesser. Soon the Faeries began to quit one by one, until only the last was left.

Now, only one Soup Faerie is running the Kitchen. Makes everything easier.

9. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Once upon a time there was a Sloth named Sloth.

(Yes, I know that makes no sense. Hush.)

Sloth was the ultimate ruler of Neopia (or so he liked to think). No one disobeyed Sloth if they wished to keep their lives or their sanity. No one dared mention the Space Faerie, the Defenders of Neopia, or the colour pink.

Most importantly of all, no one dared burn his soup.

His chef, Gargarox Isafuhlarg, lived in constant fear that he would displease Sloth somehow and be sent to the Mind Control Lab. He prepared Sloth’s meals meticulously each day, taking care not to add too much salt, pepper or Slug Flakes.

Regrettably for him, Sloth always managed to find some fault with whatever dish Gargarox made. The Blueberry Gateaux was too sweet, the Cosmic Broccoli too tough, the Green Tea not Green enough. Nothing was ever done right.

One day, Gargarox decided that he had had enough (Sloth had complained that the Glowing Asparagus’s glow was too dim). He wanted revenge and he wanted it then and there. But how?

He thought and he thought and he thought.

Then he had a brainwave. “Where’s my old recipe book? Time to give Sloth a surprise...” And he sliced and he diced and he mixed away, whistling happily, only managing to finish his creation just minutes before the dinner loudspeaker message.

“What is this abomination?” Sloth shouted, when Gargarox lifted the lid from his creation.

“I call it the Cryogenically Frozen Negg,” the Grundo chef said proudly. “Try it, master.”

Sloth eyed the dish suspiciously before forking a piece into his mouth. Not a split-second later, a blood curdling scream lacerated the air. “AAAaaaarghhh!!” Sloth screeched, clutching his jaw. “AAAaaaarghhh!! It hurts!!!”

(Gargarox managed to make his getaway. To this day, no one knows exactly how he found out about Sloth’s sensitive teeth.)

And last but certainly not least, 10. TNT, you rock!

Needs no explanation/history, I hope? ;)