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More Famous Than You: The Shop Wizard


by sgwrites

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Guy: Guy here, and I’d like to welcome you to another generic interview with a mildly interesting Neopian commonly known as simply the Shop Wizard! Let’s get right to it, don’t want to keep the people waiting. How are you today Wiz?

Shop Wizard: ALAKAZAM!!! I am the Shop Wizard! I am your friendly guide to online comparison shopping. Type in what you want to buy and I will search through all the shops in the market to find YOU the BEST prices!

Guy: Err, yes, I’m sure we’re all very familiar with your creed. Actually, to be honest, most of us don’t even bother with that little blurb, we just want to get down to business when we pay you a visit. Does that bother you at all?

Wiz: Searching for: ... I did not find anything. Please try again and I will search elsewhere!

Guy: No, I think there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding. I’m not really looking for anything at the moment, I’m trying to conduct an interview with you here.

Wiz: Oh, my mistake. Sorry, I just get a little carried away some times. What exactly was the question?

Guy: Basically, I want to know if you ever feel sad or lonely, just being used the way you are, with no real regard for you personally?

Wiz: Sad? Searching for Peophin Battle SADdle. You can try narrowing down your query with-

Guy: Control yourself, man. This is an interview, not a search, remember?

Wiz: Right, how do I feel being ignored all the time? Well, to be honest, I just kind of got used to it. I’m absolutely inundated with requests to find something all day long. I normally don’t have the time to make small talk. You know, I’ve really been ignored all my life. Why, I remember back when I was a young JubJub and my father...

Guy: Let’s try to refrain from the preachy monologues, Mr. Wizard; the public isn’t into that kind of thing anymore. In fact, if we could have some sort of explosives or fireworks rigged, that’d be more beneficial in terms of attracting listeners.

Wiz: I’m afraid I can’t really do anything exciting with magic. I’ve never told anyone this, but I suppose I can be candid here; I’m not actually a real wizard at all. I always wanted to be a robot. Obviously, that didn’t work out, so I found some cheap magical threads in a trash can behind the Hidden Tower. Look at me now, a bona-fide superstar.

Guy: Hold on just a second, how exactly does one become a robot? What did you plan on doing?

Wiz: Yeah, didn’t exactly think that one all the way through. I don’t know, I figure all you have to do is beep and hate all life forms. It’s not really a great career choice, mostly because it’s not at all profitable.

Guy: That's... odd. Anyhow, moving right along, do you have a name, or do you simply go by “Shop Wizard?”

Wiz: It’s kind of an embarrassing name. I don’t know...

Guy: Oh, come on, just tell us.

Wiz: Guess it can’t hurt. My real name is Clarence, named after my grandfather, a splendid fisherman who... Wait a second, are you laughing hysterically?

Guy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! CLARENCE!

Clarence: Alright, enough already, I get it, Clarence is a funny name. That’s why I try to keep that information on the down-low. Just imagine what would happen if the Auction Genie found out about that.

Guy: Wait a second, Clarence. Is that some animosity I detect between you and everyone’s favorite genie?

Clarence: Yep. Can’t stand that punk.

Guy: Any particular reason why?

Clarence: Yeah, we used to be business associates, but now he’s clearly just trying to steal my thunder. Of course, I’m much more useful. I mean, really, what does he do that I don’t? He doesn’t even give you exact times on auctions. Besides, shops are much more convenient.

Guy: You two used to work together? Doing what?

Clarence: Children’s birthday parties. We dominated the 4-7 year old demographic with our displays of cheap magic and cheaper cake. Could’ve gone big time, but we got into a bit of an argument one day.

Guy: Over what?

Clarence: I wanted "Wizard & Genie, Inc" to be the name of the company, he wanted to name it something ridiculous.

Guy: What did he propose?

Clarence: Ok, but let me preface this with saying this was one hundred percent HIS idea, not mine. “Genie & Wizard, Inc.” I shudder just hearing it.

Guy: You do realize that he simply switched the order in which your names are presented? Is that really worth all the fuss?

Clarence: You better believe it is. Genie doesn’t even have legs! Who do you think had to carry all of our things in? I’d like to see you do that without arms!

Guy: Good point. Now, how do you explain the Super Shop Wizard?

Clarence: Sometimes I just like to prove that the old Shop Wizard still got it, know what I mean? Besides, I look much more impressive with all that magic coursing through my body, don’t you agree?

Guy: Honestly, I think it’s all for show. You could do that any time you want; I think you’re just lazy.

Clarence: Believe me, it takes quite a bit of energy to search through EVERY shop in existence. Just between you and me, I use that to find the good deals for myself; that’s how I make my living.

Guy: You must be one of the richest Neopians if that’s true.

Clarence: Maybe I am, maybe I’m not, you feel me? I might have a deal with the Tax Beast in exchange for finding him cheap food.

Guy: Geez, you’re pretty corrupt.

Clarence: Hey, don’t judge me, pal. You asked for the truth, I’ll give you the truth.

Guy: Okay, moving on. How exactly do you search the shops? You said you can’t actually use any magic of value, so what’s the deal?

Clarence: I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.

Guy: Err... I think we’re done here. Any closing thoughts you’d like to share with the rest of the Neopians?

Clarence: Just remember, folks, the Shop Wizard is your number one stop for any and all searching of items. Also, the Auction Genie doesn’t wear pants, keep that in mind the next time you think about using him to find something.

Guy: That’s actually a good point. Anyways, thanks for your time, Clarence. There you have it ladies and gentlemen, all you ever needed to know - and a bunch of things you didn’t - about your favorite wizard and mine. Stay tuned until next time!

 
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