Brightvale: The Next Darigan Citadel?
BRIGHTVALE - Ah, Brightvale. Land of peace, learning, and really colorful windows.
Surely the discovery of this new land heralds a new age for Neopia…AN AGE OF DARKNESS
AND TERROR!!! No, I’m serious. I think that under that cheery façade lies another
enemy nation poised to conquer Meridell and then, ALL OF NEOPIA!! You’re right,
I really must cut down on that capitalization…I’ll talk to my therapist about
But for now, let’s look at what my expert deductioning (and a bit of paranoia)
has uncovered about this fair kingdom, shall we?
The King and I (Don’t Get Along at All)
We all know what the Brightvale main map page has to say about Hagan. He’s
Skarl’s older brother, his last name is “the Wise,” and he likes green and yellow.
A lot. Okay, the last part wasn’t on the page description, but it’s pretty obvious.
Anyway, I don’t know about you, but Hagan creeps me out. First of all, he has
a BEARD. Okay, if the facial hair wasn’t scary enough, how about this: facial
hair on a REPTILIAN NEOPET? I know you’re saying that Skarl has that weird bowl-cut
and the 5 ‘o’ clock shadow, but those items can easily be explained with a bad
toupee and too many of those messy Blackened Watermelons. Okay, moving on. Hagan’s
got these brown leather gloves that really don’t match at all with his bright-green-and-yellow
ensemble. I mean, seriously, I know absolutely NOTHING about fashion, and yet
I really don’t think those colors look good together…
But, here’s the real point of all of this Hagan-criticizing. I think he looks
like a bona fide medieval villain. Y’know, one of those guys who uses all of
the stuff they steal to buy themselves nice clothes, a few good meals, maybe
a new kingdom or two…and that’s exactly what Hagan is doing.
Now you’re probably asking me, “But how can Hagan have bought Brightvale and/or
be an evil villain? Isn’t he related to King Skarl?” My friends, have you ever
considered that Hagan might be LYING when he says that he’s Skarl’s brother?
I mean, think about this: Hagan keeps going on and on…and on…about how Skarl
is slobby and doesn’t know how to run a kingdom and stuff like that, but what’s
Skarl’s position on the matter? Or Hagan and Brightvale in general? Absolute
silence. Not a royal press conference to be found anywhere in the castle vaults.
It’s like he doesn’t even know Brightvale exists. Because…HE DOESN’T. Don’t
you get it by now? Hagan is pretending to be Skarl’s smarter, more sophisticated
older brother so that when Hagan puts his Meridell takeover plan into action
(but he won’t call it “invasion,” oh no, he’ll call it “bringing culture and
knowledge to the peasantry”), we’ll all side with him because Skarl is just
a Grumpy Old King ™. Hey, I happen to enjoy my ragged clothing, hay bed, and
semi-yearly baths, thank-you-very -much Hagan!
There’s also the fact that although there’s a sign for Brightvale Castle on
the Brightvale map, we can’t get inside. That seems mighty suspicious to me.
The whole place is probably crawling with darkness and malevolence inside…and
I even thought I heard maniacal laughter coming from it once while I was walking
past it! And no, it wasn’t my stomach growling…or Hyren’s Anubis, Hokuto…or
Eliv Thade, who happened to be standing right by the castle wall. Therefore,
Hagan is a very creepy guy and should be avoided at all costs.
How ‘Bout Them Shops?
Here’s another thing that’s hard to explain for “peace-loving” types like the
Brightvalians. Why the abundance of battle shops? Look at this, they’ve got
a Potionery, Scrollery, Motery, and Armoury, ALL IN THE SAME STINKIN’ KINGDOM!
And they all end in “-ry.” I don’t know about you, but that just makes me all
the more suspicious. Let’s compare this with some other Neopian lands, shall
Terror Mountain: The Ice Crystal Shop (and no, Winter Random Events don’t count)
Kreludor: Nothing (see? If you want peaceful, go to the moon!)
Neopia Central: Magic Shop, Battle Magic, Defence Magic (not even the busiest
place in Neopia has as many battle shops as Brightvale…)
Tyrannia: Tyrannian Weaponry (hey, where do you think the Cave Chia buys his
Virtupets Space Station: Space Armour, Space Weapons (I’m starting to see a
Haunted Woods: Haunted Weaponry (but no Haunted Armour? Wait, who in their
right mind would want to wear some haunted armor?)
Krawk Island: Nothing (weird, where do all of the pirates buy their cutlasses,
daggers and hooks? Oh yeah, they come free with a Pirate Paint Brush.)
Faerieland: Hidden Tower (Battle Dung, Shmattle Dung! In the Scrollery, you
can buy the coolest weapon of all: little rolled up pieces of paper!)
Lost Desert: Battle Supplies (Well, at least it wasn’t Desert Weapons…)
Mystery Island: Nothing (although it is fun to pelt people with Pickled Olives)
Meridell: Kayla’s Potion Shop (actually, I’ve never bought anything from here,
so I’m not sure if Kayla sells battle potions…I’m just guessing)
Jelly World: This place doesn’t exist, so how could it have shops of any kind?
Are you crazy?
Okay, that was fun. Back to Brightvale. As you can see, Brightvale holds the
record for the most shops that carry battle equipment in all of Neopia. Pretty
odd for a place that didn’t even help its own neighboring kingdom in the wars
with Darigan, huh? =)
If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Distract ‘Em!
Right off the bat, Hagan realized that he wouldn’t be able to sway all of Neopia
over to his side, so he devised two devious traps to ensnare those of us who
happen to be overly suspicious of him (which would be me…and…that yellow Lupe
on the corner of Soup Alley and Chia Close waving the huge “DOWN WITH BRIGHTVALE”
sign). These sinister ploys will make sure that whoever’s not helping Hagan
conquer Meridell will be too engrossed in other activities to stop him. They
are: The Wheel of Knowledge and Brightvale Glaziers!
It’s obvious that the Wheel of Knowledge was designed to distract us no matter
what part of the Wheel we land on when we play. If you get a piece of Hagan’s
“wisdom,” you’ll just sit there and ponder it all day, not caring about what’s
going on around you. If you get a code for a Flash game from that book-wielding
Ixi, naturally you’ll want to hop over to the Games and use the code all day.
And, if you get a Brightvalian fruit known as an a10, you’ll be sitting there
wondering what the heck an a10 is…until someone comes up to you and tells you
that they changed the name to Brightvale Berry.
And that Draik at Brightvale Glaziers…sheesh, he must have graduated from Neoschool
with a degree in diversion, because there’s nothing more distracting than those
colorful windows he makes! People buy those like hotcakes and install them in
their Neohomes, and sit there and stare at them for hours, commenting on how
“pretty” and “sparkly” they are! I’ll tell you what they really are: PURE EVIL!
Don’t even get me started on the subliminal messaging those things contain…
Part of Hagan’s scheme to take over Meridell probably involves replacing all
of the windows in Meridell Castle with stained-glass windows, leaving every
castle resident drooling and stupefied, ogling at the lovely glasswork, so Hagan
can invade the castle and kick Skarl out with absolutely no resistance!
Be Smart! Stay Dumb! …Wait, That Doesn’t Sound Right…
So, how can you prepare yourself for the invasion? Simple. Don’t trust King
Hagan. Don’t spin the Wheel of Knowledge. And most importantly, don’t even LOOK
at a stained-glass window. If you keep your wits about you and stay on your
guard, when Hagan tries to “enlighten” Meridell, you’ll be there, waiting for
him, with your little rolled-up pieces of paper. Good luck, soldiers! Remember,
poor hygiene and low intelligence is fun! I would know. =)
A big thanks to lucheek for helping me come up with ideas, and to everybody
who reads my stuff! =)