How To Be Cool

OK, it’s like everyone is so intimidated by me that they are afraid to come right out and ask what makes me so cool. I’d be impressed if, just once, someone would get the courage to come up to my face and say it, like, “Hey, Zargrold, you’re so cool, just so hover, man, how do you do it?” Yeah, that would be metalliferous, for sure, but until that day comes, I have decided to share with you all, in this video diary, what makes me cool. I make no guarantees, though, that you can be cool, too.

First of all, the word “cool” is so... so planetary. On Kreludor, we don’t say “cool”. Where I’m from, the temperature never changes, so words like “cool” and “hot” have no real meaning. Instead, when something is really exciting, we call it metalliferous. And when a person is popular and you think everything they do is metalliferous, you call that person hover. On the other hand, if you don’t think much of someone, you call him gravid. OK, that’s enough of a vocabulary lesson; I’m bored of it already. For now, I’ll use your word, and just get to the cool.

First of all, when you look at me, what’s the first thing you notice? Is it the shades? Yeah, they are totally the lode. Am I going to need to define that for you too? Let me just add one more thing to the vocabulary lesson: any time a Grundo is talking about lodes and ores and striking a rich vein, these are good and happy words, OK? OK, now I wear my Cool Shades because I am cool, not because I want to look cool. Before you go running out to Unis Clothing to get yourself a pair, you need to consider: Do you have what it takes to pull off this look? Or would you just be a pretender? Cool comes from the inside, not from the clothes you wear, or even a paint job. You know, that is something that is, like, really uncool. So many Grundos think that because their family is rich enough to afford Pirate or Royal paintbrushes that somehow that makes them cooler than the rest of us, and that is just so gravid, if you ask me. Also uncool is the feud between orange and purple Grundos about which of them is better. I mean, as if. Look at me -- behind the Cool Shades I’m a blue Grundo. Yeah, baby, a primary colour. Need another vocabulary lesson? I don’t actually have a dictionary here, but listen to the word “primary”. It’s like a mix of the word “pry”, to pull apart, and the word “marry”, to join together. Get it? I’m a riddle, a conundrum, a lode-bearing oxymoron, and if that isn’t cool, then I don’t know what is.

And of course I do know what cool is because I’m a Grundo, that goes without saying. Other Neopets have tried writing books on cool -- the Acaras, the Kacheeks -- but to me that is just trying too hard. If you need to write a book to convince everyone you’re cool, then you just aren’t. Obviously Grundos are the coolest – just look at our gadgets. Hello, space flight, anyone? The Space Station? Garthroxian Goo? Gruundo? Nuff said right there! Why do you think I’ve got a permanent head bob going on? Gruundo’s greatest hits are on replay inside my head at all times. That group is so hover they make the rest of the bands at the Concert Hall seem downright planetary. Yeah, real cool is just obvious and doesn’t need to be explained.

Now, if you really want... hang on... yeah, Mom? ... What?... Whaaaaat?... Yes, I cleaned out the Snoogy’s litterbox.... I did.... I diiid already... How would I know why it looks so sad?... It always looks like that... OK, Mom... OK, I’ll be out soon... I don’t know, soon.

Moms, right? Oh, and yeah, I still live at home. Know what else is cool? Free rent! It is TO-tally hover. Of course I have my own pod in the domicile, and it is undeniably metalliferous. I have a cabinet for my Grarrl Comics and my Skeith Defender Comics, sorted by issue date and titles, and a whole shelf for my own Gruundo Fanfic. The walls are plastered with Gruundo posters and I even have an autographed Gruundo T-shirt that my mom got framed for me. I thought it would be ironic or something if I brought in some stone furniture, but my mom said no way. It “wouldn’t go with the feng shui of decorating in a low gravity situation”, or whatever. I tried to explain about my primary nature and the riddle, the conundrum that is Zargrold, but my mom just laughed and said that “wanting to be an oxymoron is like admitting to being as dumb as a Kau”. I need to get a dictionary sometime. She, like, never comes in here, so I did get a Stone Cool Box that I keep in the back of my Hover Wardrobe. I keep my Neocola in there, and no one even knows about it. That’s just how cool I am.

Yeah, and remember how I said that cool comes from the inside? Well, I discovered that the quickest way to get cool on your inside is to get your mom to make you some Cool Neggs for breakfast. You are what you eat, right? They are like, totally expensive and everything, so I don’t get to have them very often. But on like my birthday or whatever, my mom will scramble up a Cool Negg for me and I’m all like, “Yep. That’ll do me for another year.” They are the total lode-bearing, ore-striking, metalliferous, lunar hover. I just can’t afford to have them every day, but whatever, I’m pretty cool anyway.

You might ask why I don’t get a job if I like Cool Neggs so much, and I would tell you that I have a job, Mr. Smarty Royal Boy Grundo Pants. I’m a professional Gormball player (yeah, I know, that’s about as hover as a job can get). I’ve just never finished a tournament in the top three, so I have never actually made any neopoints at it. But look at my competition-- Gargarox Isafuhlarg plays with a fork and spoon in his hands! I know I’ll beat this guy eventually. And talk about a conundrum, Ember is a fire faerie; it is elementally against her nature to be playing Gormball. Water and fire don’t mix, right? Or is that water and oil? No matter, I can feel that my day is coming. Talk about hover! The first thing I’d do is get my own place, and fill it with stone furniture and stock the cupboards full of Cool Neggs. Talk about the metalliferous lode!

But, until then, you know I’m the coolest.

And now you know how I got this way.

Zargrold out.