How to Dance Like Rosie, And Other Important Things
There once was a Grarrl called Rosie
Whose hat was adorned with a posy.
Her skin was green,
Her face serene,
And her dances were mildly creepy.
How’s that for a fabulous limerick! What do you mean, “more like a lamerick?” I ought to conk you on the head with this here basket full of Neggs.
Strong coughing, a forced smile.
I mean, that’s all right, my humorous friend. A very clever pun, in fact. I wish I were as smart as you! Have a Negg and shut up.
Readjustment of attachable Cybunny Ears, smoothing of dress.
Anyways. Hi, I’m Rosie. You might know me as “the pigeon-toed weirdo who hosts the Spring Celebration.” I only stand like that because my shoes are three times too small, okay? They were by all appearances designed to fit upon the hooves of a Uni foal rather than the clawed appendages of a Grarrl. Ah, the things we suffer for the sake of spring fashion. I have about twelve million blisters.
Anyway. You will notice below me...
Delicate gesture downwards with white-gloved hand.
...wow, these narratorial interjections / stage direction things are going to start getting annoying... as I was saying, you will notice below me a section in a bright happy font (because I am bright and happy) entitled: “Rosie’s Favourite Games.” Well, that’s a lie; it actually says “Favorite” not “Favourite.” I’ll have to get my agent on the line to explain where that missing ‘u’ has gone. Have u seen it? HA HA HA! Oh never mind.
So about my favourite games. You will note that one is Meerca Chase. Can you guess why Meerca Chase is one of my favourite games? No? Okay, okay, I’ll give you a hint. It starts with ‘n.’
Not “because you’re a nubcake.”
Okay, here’s another hint. It starts with ‘n-e.’
No, not “because you’re a nerd.”
Okay another hint... ‘n-e-g...’
No, it has nothing to do with negotiating a new lease on my neohome. It’s N-E-G-G, silly!
I love Neggs! The Meerca Chase Meerca loves Neggs! Together we chase Neggs until the Kaus come home or the Meerca gets indigestion or I walk on his tail by accident. So that is the story of why I like Meerca Chase. Now you know.
Wingoball is also listed as one of my favourite games. I’m... not quite sure how that got there, since I fail miserably at Wingoball. When I play Wingoball, I always get distracted by the thought that maybe the Easter Cybunny has hidden Neggs in the hedges and stuff! Also, pretty flowers. That is why I fail at Wingoball. (Where’s that agent of mine? This is what I get for hiring Nigel’s creepy third cousin. Nigel is shady enough, who knows what obscure weirdos lie further along his family tree.)
The inclusion of Keyquest in my favourite games section is accurate, however, since one of Keyquest’s marvellous features is that Neggs are frequently given out as prizes. Whenever I get a paintbrush I toss it carelessly aside: a plain Negg is thrice as valuable to me as a stick with soggy bristles, and also far more tasty.
I’m a Negg token fiend. I give the Negg Faerie tons of business and I am doing my part for the community by helping to deflate the cost of Neggs. Now, thanks in part to my playing Keyquest and endorsing it in my Spring Celebration, everyone can have access to affordable Cool Neggs, Ferocious Neggs and Silver Knight Neggs. Don’t all rush to thank me at once, though!
Anyway. What you really want to know -- and what is the point of this digressive article -- is how to break into smooth dance moves at the click of a button. Let me go over my signature moves for your benefit. Read carefully, pay attention, and if I see you cracking up like this is somehow hilarious, I will hurt this defenseless Ptolymelon. Is that quite clear? Right-o!
The Inexplicably Bizarre Jiggle: hold out your forearms parallel to the floor. Alternately swing one hand forwards and then the other, very rapidly, as if you’re some rad DJ at the Tyrannian Concert Hall grooving to the latest Sticks n Stones CD at very high speed. Shuffle feet rapidly back and forth. Headbang. Finish by grinning vacantly. (This last point applies to all of my dance moves, usually accompanied by a shy giggle.)
(Anyone who tells you that you look moronic is a liar.)
The “Hi I’m Picking Invisible Loveberries And Throwing Them Into The Air With My Index Finger Extended” Twist: one hand reaches below belt level on opposite side and is then drawn up rapidly, with pointer finger held out. Repeat as desired. (Note: Disco Feepits named ‘MyHippieFriend’ make good accessories. No reason.)
The Crazed Boxer: rapid boxing motions for a 1.4 second loop, followed by a giggle. This move was inspired by the Dr. Sloth boxing toy (I play as Sloth and I always win! ALWAYS.).
The Edna Potion-Stir: Place both hands together as if you were holding a ladle. Draw your hands around in front of you in a circular motion, stirring a nonexistent pot. Make “oooo” shapes with mouth.
Dude I Have No Idea: lock elbows at a 90 degree angle and raise your hands towards your face twice. Tilt your upper body left and right as though you were hinged at the waist. Dislocate kneecaps, lower self to ground without bending forwards. Get back up. Giggle inanely as you fix your kneecaps into their proper position. Coyly proffer Easter Negg basket to observers.
Fiddling with a mysterious yellow envelope which by all appearances popped out of nowhere.
What’s this? Oh, a neomail from the Lawyerbot. He is requesting that I read out the following disclaimer...
WARNING: do not try these at home. You should not try these in front of your friends either, or you will find yourself without friends very quickly. In fact, the only time when it would be appropriate for you to attempt these dance moves would be when you morph yourself into a green Grarrl, lose fifty IQ points, and wear excessively frilly clothing.
Of all the nerve! I am going to go force feed Mr. Lawyerbot Grumpypants a Happy Negg right now. In the meantime, practice your dance moves. Soon you will be just as lithely graceful as I am.
Fussy rearranging of dress, flounce sideways. Exit scrollbar left.