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In Other News: News on Paper


by yippo_yippee

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Apparently, the world of Neopia is eternally changing, bringing with it a constant wave of new reading material, tsunami style. Such as this. With no further ado, I present to you the latest installment of In Other News, where fictional events are pretty much real.

The secret laboratory is undergoing severe review by Neopia’s leading heath organization Edible and Technical (EAT) due to the rather alarming health and hygiene levels. “Though zapping pets is an ethical way to expel Neopia of unfavorable species --let us not name any Grundos... I mean species-- regardless, it is utter nonsense producing edible pets,” Tim Greasy, spokesman for EAT issued. The board is currently discussing whether producing edible pets from the ray interferes with machinery health and hygiene regulations set by the EAT.

Statistics have shown that the world of Neopia may come crashing down financially. Whether this means there will be a lot of money crushing us all physically, or perhaps just a state of the mind thing is currently debatable. If you wish to express your views on this matter, we would not like to know. No, really.

Morality has always been an interesting debate topic and it seems that now is the perfect time to launch a new game (Barf Boat) as slapstick for such discussion. I [being the host of this unfortunate series] will now speak in a placating tone to prevent a vicious and unprovoked attack. You know as well as I do that we have been brought up in the era of “OMGZ, Meepits are so evil”, so much in fact, that it is rapidly exceeding the legal limits of the word ‘cliché’. So naturally, all Neopians were taught to fend off these little fuzz balls.

This has led to a controversial debate over whether Meepits such be included in the game Barf Boat for reasons regarding conscience. The aim of the game is to prevent the petpets from slipping off the ship as they cannot be bothered grabbing onto the rail or any solid ship component to save themselves and one of these lazy petpets happens to be a Meepit. This has become quite an aggravating experience for all players as they do not know whether to listen to their conscience and save the poor petpet, or to listen to their other conscience and toss the world-domination-geared minion of insanity overboard. The Warf Captain is particularly queasy with this sudden morale testing adventure and states: “Why can I not stick with saving Kadoaties?” At this point, he felt sick and barfed all over the floor of his ship, just by the mere thought of having to toss overboard a Meepit (or save it). One thing for certain is that Meepits and barf have quite a disgusting correlation. They are both have regurgitating effects on you and also display an icky tendency to adhere to you... not to mention, they are now unfortunately united in Barf Boat where they can continue to wreck agitation upon Neopians forced to make that conscience twisting decision – To save the Meepit or not to save?

The MEEP Committee is currently assessing a bill which urges the status of a Super Attack Pea to change to “Endangered”. Apparently, Super Attack Peas are too commonly mistaken for simply peas wearing capes and are devoured by pets, mainly Lupes. When interviewed, a guilty Lupe admitted, “Yeah, I kind of ate one of ‘em. I just swallowed it and was gonna eat another and realized the second was way larger than the first one I ate. Must’ve been its weapon.” The Peas Protection League is pressing for a law which allows Super Attack Peas to defend themselves out of the Battledome.

The faeries residing in Faerieland have been recently targeted and have had the finger of blame pointed at them as fellow Neopians claim that they are lazy, for lack of better words. A particular orange Blumaroo who wishes to remain anonymous and lives at 821 Mooncrescent Drive, Roo Island screamed this to our reporters: “Those faeries are so mean!” Because corresponding with the general public is often frowned upon in the news and media profession, we turned to Professor John Faerielover to discuss the matter who agreed with the said Blumaroo as recent studies have shown that faeries “manage to find time to hunt down specific owners, stalk them and to block their access to the shop wizard yet can’t be bothered turning to the shop wizard themselves and asking for their desired item”. Her Highness Fyora is currently bribing the faeries with pay rises if they will mend their ways.

The Tombola Shop Guy has pledged to increase the prices of his island goods. His desire to rip off everyday Neopians is not the first. In fact, after Fyora released her “shop”, sales prices have hit an all-time high. When questioned about the logic behind his inflated prices, the Tombola Guy laughed us off, saying, “If Fyora can pull off selling a Sword of Skardsen –a blade made entirely of sheer metal- for $11 million, who says I can’t sell off my volcanic rock for $12 million?” Fyora has requested that we mention here that his merchandise can be won from the Tombola game, free of charge.

During the Annual Cook-A-Thon Competition, Chef Bonju was seen competing against rival, the Chef from Mystery Island. Curious ACers were lured to the momentous event, hoping to glean further information on the elusive Chef Bonju avatar to no avail. Bonju finally admitted that “the avatar does not exist as I believe the portrait of my face does not adequately fill the square pixel properly and thus have thrown it in into a fire and served to Shenkunese residents as an entrée. It is simply scrumptious.”

Continuing on with the very notorious topic of food, green garden salads are the new IN. Other variations of salads are most definitely OUT and should not be consumed. And in case you’re wondering, cheeseburgers have been “out” since calories were discovered and became a household word.

A new controversial issue has rocked the fan base of music legends, The Twisted Roses. Lead singer, Gregory Johnson felt the name did not promote him properly and is hoping to change the band’s name to “The Twisted Rose”. Angry mobs of distressed fans repelled against the idea, throwing an assortment of fruit cakes and marshmallows at Johnson’s house. The original name of the band stands, as of now.

Her Royal Highness, Fyora, is left flustered after a band of several Darigan minions attempted to ransack her tower. “I’m quite surprised,” the Faerie Queen admitted. “I had always thought my tower was hidden.” She soon discovered that this was not the case when a petpet mission involved the removal of portals in Faerieland, one of these which linked directly from her tower to Darigan Citadel. All stolen squeezy Tombola Guy figurines and her spare blue evil fuzzle have been returned to the tower.

Now we move onto Drabolius for the sports report.

***

Thank you, Expulsed.

The Gormball Gaming Association is debating whether spandex suits should be included as compulsory uniform whilst playing the game, Gormball. Fans of the game have complained that the board has been giving “the protection and preservation of warmth for all players” the literal cold shoulder. Players say that the bone drenching icy water of the gormballs should be assessed. Suitable measures will be taken once the board discusses this matter.

Nigel, the stockbroker is being annoying as usual. His infamous game, the Stock Market, has been allegedly sucking the neopoints out of the portfolios of all share holders. Angry Neopians stormed to his neohome and threw rocks at his precious car which shouldn’t really exist in the first place. Nigel locked himself in his room for five days, crying, as he couldn’t find a company which insured cars.

Lost Desert is currently fighting a claim by the National Pyramid Gaming Society that their game, “Pyramid” should be renamed due to the lack of resemblance between the game and the game’s name. A letter filed to the head of Pyramid stated the following: “I sadly must advise you to change the name of your game to something more suitable. Regrettably, we find that the game ‘Pyramid’ has no connection whatsoever to a pyramid, be it in shape, size or card shape. The actual setting of the cards during game play does not count as we fail to see how it forms a three dimensional shape, rather, it appears to be a crude triangle. Please make haste and reply to this as Neopians are threatening to throw sporks at us.” The National Pyramid Gaming Society is debating whether they should change the name of the game to something far more realistic by next week - Stress Level Inducing and Temper Flaring Game of Chance.

That is all I have for sports. Onto Sabre for the weather.

***

I would say thank you, Drab, but that would be a straight lie. I hate doing the weather. It’s boring. Ahem. Mental note to self – strict professionalism.

Tyrannia appears to be experiencing drought at the current moment. Careful analysis has shown that the usually rather mundane, dry, hoarse and boring place is even more mundane, drier, hoarser and even more boring than usual. The change is linked to the sun, which residents in Tyrannia believe is baking their precious town. “I mean, it’s so HOT,” one Tyrannian Blumaroo whimpered. “I never liked my omelettes fried,” another cried in utter despair. Rescue efforts to prevent the sun from scorching Tyrannia are currently underway, urgent leaders turning towards Lost Desert for help after they managed to cut short sunlight from reaching neighboring town, Sakhmet, over a sand thief quandary. Terror Mountain has responded to their plea, supplying free icebergs to their hot counterpart.

Maraqua will be experiencing a slight drizzle of rain in about a week’s time although residents have been told not to worry. Many Neopians question whether this warning was necessary – after all, Maraqua exists in water. They live in water, breathe water, and eat water. It was only logic that a little rain wouldn’t affect them. Vehement Maraquans denied this claim, saying, “If you were a true Maraquan, then you would understand that the density and ph levels of chlorine in rain water and sea water are completely different from one another.”

Thankfully, that’s all for weather, Expulsed.

***

Thank you, Sabre. That is all we have time for today. I am Expulsed, signing off from In Other News. Until we meet again, fare well.

 
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