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The Neolodge - An Exposé


by sarahreye

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Hello and welcome to another one of my exposés!

In this special edition, I’m going to be going through my adventure at the Neopian Lodge, showing you all the little quirks and perks of each floor, and what you’re really getting for your neopoints.

But what is the Neolodge?

Established around the same time as most of the original shops of Neopia Central (Yes, ye olde days), the Neolodge is a place of pampering where you can send your pet when you are completely sick of it and need a break... I mean... uhh... where you can treat your pet to a lovely stay and maybe a spa break. Hehe...

In order to cater for a variety of economic backgrounds, the Neolodge has rooms ranging from small price brackets to insanely large ones. At the most, staying the maximum amount of nights with all facilities included, you’re looking at around about 15680NP. Bit crazy. But if you have the money? Why not?

Besides, as we’re going to uncover in this exposé, you might find that spending that extra dosh is a little better than settling for some of the rather... unsettling other suites. I say ‘we’ because in this particular edition, I’m going to be using the help of a pet of mine, Toxxita. She’s a Uni and is very familiar with the goings on of the Neolodge, as she is a manager *coughcleanercough* of one of the floors. However, her particular floor, the Noxious Villa, is not actually available for general use, but she still has a better idea of each suite than anyone else. If anyone knows this place, it’s her.

Now Toxxita and I entered the plush reception room of the hotel. I could sense automatically the smell of pillow mints and of clean towels, and the luxurious sound of suitcase wheels trundling along the carpeted floors. We made our way to the reception where a rather happy Techo was standing, handling his unusually fake looking moustache between his fingers. “Why hello!” he announced, a grin spreading across his face, “I’ve been expecting you Miss Sarah! I must say it is quite an honour getting to represent the Neolodge in the Neopian Times!” I smiled slightly, wary of his unusual enthusiasm.

The Techo continued, “I have the skeleton key here; it opens every single door. But if I find out that you’ve used it for bad purposes, I’m going to have to hurt you.” I stared in disbelief as he laughed and assured me he was just joking. I wasn’t so sure. Toxxita and I continued on, skeleton key in hand. It felt pretty cool, knowing I could go anywhere I wanted anytime.

And so begins the exposé. I’ll be going through each suite with you, highlighting the ups and downs, wrongs and rights, dos and don’ts.

First, let’s start with the delightful Cockroach Towers!

COCKROACH TOWERS

Basic Info

Cockroach Towers was started by Amanda Cockroach, a particularly happy Shoyru who wanted to create a cheap alternative to the other suites. Unfortunately for Miss. Cockroach, I don’t think she realised the suite was going to be THIS cheap.

Description

If you like the putrid smell of off food, slime and grime encrusted walls, and fungi-covered furniture, then Cockroach Towers is for you! Upon entering, I was delightfully greeted by none other than some cockroaches! After sufficiently screaming, and running to a chair, I glanced around the room. At first I wasn’t concerned by the ratty curtains, missing legs on the table and the use of dead flowers throughout the room; however, when I approached the bathroom and saw that instead of toilet paper, there was a page of the Neopian Times, I was sufficiently unimpressed, especially considering the first page upon the pile of the Times contained one of my articles.

Highlights and Lowlights

Obviously the only saving grace of this pathetic excuse for a suite is fact that it's extremely cheap. Forget trying to spend your funds on food! Just put your pet here for 5NP a night and it will get fed automatically! Unfortunately for your pet, this ‘food’ is little less than gourmet.

The low points of the suite are obviously that it is extremely dirty, scary, grimey, slimey, stuffy and just downright unhygienic.

FLEAPIT MOTEL

Basic Info

Fleapit Motel is another project of Miss Cockroach’s. This fact in itself should leave fear in your stomach.

Description

I was happy to see there was no use of Neopian Times for toilet paper in this particular suite; however, I wasn’t extremely thrilled about the fact that the toilet paper was cardboard. Oh well, you can’t win them all. At least the table here had all four legs, and there were some fresh flowers. However unfortunately, as the name suggests, upon entering the room you’re inundated by fleas! It’s disgusting, the bed itself is squashed and mottled, and there is an indescribable pattern on the wall which I keep trying to assure myself is just the wallpaper, not some unexplainable stain.

Highlights and Lowlights

The highlights are, once again, extremely cheap. I would recommend this over the Cockroach Towers because at least it’s liveable. However, the lack of proper hygiene is once again a problem, considering the amount of fleas and flea debris.

However, the nightly flea circuses are quite a treat.

CHEAP HOTEL

Basic Info

Pretty Self-Explanatory. This particular suite was started by the Neolodge in an effort to cater for medium budgets.

Description

Unlike its predecessors the Cheap Hotel actually has clean sheets, clean walls, clean benches, clean flowers. But that’s just the problem. It’s all so darn clean! There isn’t a dash of colour. At all. It’s actually very reminiscent of a hospital, and the whites of the walls began to make my stomach churn. On top of this, you feel a certain wave of neutrality washing over you in this room. You don’t feel displeased, but you don’t feel happy either.

Highlights and Lowlights

Well, it’s not bad. But it’s not good either. Price is cheap, though; you can shut your neopet up in here for just 20NP a night.

MOUNTAIN LODGE

Basic Info

Started by the same Chias that brought you the garage sale, this suite is actually quite nice. Or should I say 'ice'. Hahahaha. Hahaha. ....no.

Prices range from anywhere from 30NP to 90NP for all facilities per night.

Description

Now I like the Mountain Lodge. It’s the first of the luxury hotels that the lodge offers, and it’s quite nice. Upon entering, one is greeted by a personal yeti who takes coats and is generally very friendly. I believe his name was Steve, but don’t quote me on that. The food is good, all warm soups and the like. The walls are embellished with everything that reeks of Terror Mountain and the Ice Caves, pictures of the Snowager, facsimiles of eggs; the table is even fashioned in the shape of an ice cube. However, things tend to get a little... chilly.

Highlights and Lowlights

As aforementioned, the only problem here is that it’s extremely cold! The bedroom is covered with snow, and the walls are made of ice. Even with the right gear, this is a massive problem. You can send your pet here. But they might get frostbite.

YE OLDE SHIP INN

Basic Info

Started by a mysterious pirate by the name of Baron Von-Hizzleburg, this suite was created to remind travellers of their home. However, this feature only works if you’re from Krawk Island.

Description

Although I’m not big for Krawk Island, I found this suite really quite soothing. In the restaurant I met a rather nice Kyrii called Salty. I couldn’t really understand anything he was saying (I think he forgot to put his false teeth in), but his rambling murmurings were quite therapeutic to listen to. The room itself was quite nice as well, the colours being calypso directed with dashes of green and brown. There’s chests and pictures of the ocean, and the bed is in the shape of an armada ship. The only downside is that every hour or so an alarm rings and several pirates appear, threatening to keel-haul ye or to make you walk the plank. Sure, it’s funny at first, but when you’re trying to sleep, it’s really annoying.

Highlights and Lowlights

Those darn pirates. 40NP a night.

HOTEL OPERA

Basic Info

Started by an infamous opera singer, Madame Brusulga, who went missing under mysterious circumstances several nights after the creation of the suite. However, after enduring a night here, I have a feeling I know why.

Description

Perhaps the most historically rich, this suite attempts to cater for the lavish side of things, beautiful architecture, round columns with intricate patterns and beautifully crafted velvet seats. However, what they don’t tell you is that the Opera part of the name is actually literal. Try getting to sleep with all that noise. It really isn’t until that fat Chia stops singing – and she ain’t stopping.

Highlights and Lowlights

Obviously the lack of sleep that the lodger receives as a result of the Opera is an issue; however, I find that the suite is beautifully decorated, and quite good for the price of 50NP a night.

THE ROYAL NEOPIAN

Basic Info

A personal favourite of mine. Started by farmers in Meridell. Yes. That Kacheek really DOES have more than just potatoes. He has lots and lots of money.

Description

I love the class of this place. It’s got a vintage sort of feel about it; everything looks as if it has come straight out of the royal throne room at Faerieland. There is a lovely perfumy smell wafting through the rooms, and the bed is a massive four poster adorned with beautiful lanterns.

Highlights and Lowlights

I have to say that there’s nothing bad about this place. It even comes with a free butler for the night. I believe his name was Stanley or something but I found it fun calling him Jeeves. He got very angry.

FAERIE CASTLE

Basic Info

Started by various faeries using the money that they probably got from selling all those quest items you got them. I mean come on, what did you really think they were going to do with a bunch of chokatos and healing potions?

Description

Really quite wonderful. However, I can’t help but get the strange feeling things might work out better for you staying here if you’re actually a faerie neopet or a faerie. I’m largely directed towards this thought pattern as most of the furniture is made from clouds. For example, the bed is a floating cloud. Sure it looks cool. Sure that’s great. But I can’t sleep there! So I settled on the floor, but I must say, even the plushy carpet made me feel like I was on cloud nine.

Highlights and Lowlights

Highlight = massage chair in the lounge room. Lowlight = Pamphlets from every faerie asking you to do their quests.

PRESIDENTIAL PALACE

Basic Info

I have heard that the person who started this suite was a rather eccentric Lupe who believed himself to be president of Neopia Central. Of course, that doesn’t make any sense, seeing as there is no president. But you know, whatever floats your boat.

Description

The place is fantastic. Rich carpeting, beautiful bedding, and the Neopian Times is delivered directly by a free attendee. Not used as toilet paper.

Highlights and Lowlights

It’s fantastic having attendants and all. It does get a bit annoying, though, that every time the toast pops up out of the toaster your bodyguard tackles you to the ground. Another minus is the massive amount of money you pay: 200 smackers a night.

ASTROVILLA

Basic Info

Finally! My favourite! This was started by several Grundo entrepreneurs.

Description

I was rather amazed when Toxxita and I were asked to follow a hotel bellboy towards the elevator. After reaching the top level, we hopped out of the elevator, only to be greeted with the sight of a rocket ship. We were led into the rocket ship, quickly shoved into astronaut suits and helmets, and told to hold on really, really tight. Before I knew what was happening we were hurtling towards the sky, and quick as a bullet we stopped. I stumbled outside, extremely dazed, then took one step for Neopian kind outside. What I was greeted with made me cry. Waterfalls of stars pummel down from large rocky faces built into the side of the walls. There is a pool, Jacuzzi, kitchen fit for the gourmet club. Unlimited books on astrophysics to read (I didn’t really use them, but they’re there!). The bed was a floating pod, and the food floated with you wherever you went.

Highlights

Apart from the cost, there really isn’t a downside to this place. Not recommended if you have a fear of flying. Also; do stay away from the ominous vending machine in the closet.

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So that’s it. That’s all of the rooms!

I find that it’s fantastic staying at a hotel. You’re treated to all sorts of wonderful things, and feel completely... well... carefree.

However, I must say that despite the state of some of the more wonderful suites, I much prefer the feel of home. I’d rather have a nice soup dinner with my neopets than a banquet fit for a king in a room designed by one.

Toxxita: You know you hardly mentioned me at all. I was supposed to be the backbone of your argument.

Sarah: Be quiet.

 
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