Where there's a Weewoo, there's a way Circulation: 180,846,367 Issue: 386 | 3rd day of Eating, Y11
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Mysteries of Neopia Revealed II

by argetl


JASMINE: Argetl, I'm warning you now, do not try to say "Are we on?" like last time. Don't pretend you don't know; it's not funny, it's just stupid.

ARGETL: But...

JASMINE: No buts! Just... don't talk until Neon says it's on.

ARGETL: Alright.

JASMINE: Don't talk!

ARGETL: But...



JASMINE: No! Bad Argetl!

ARGETL: *opens mouth*

JASMINE [shakes head]: Nant!

CHLANGA: "Nant"? What in Neopia is that supposed to mean?

JASMINE: It's supposed to mean, nobody talk until we're on.

KALIIOX: You're talking.

JASMINE: You be quiet.

NEON [holding camera]: *mumble*

JASMINE [startled]: What? We're on?

ARGETL: *laughs maniacally*

CHLANGA [looks at camera and talks over laughing Argetl]: Hello and welcome to Neopian Mysteries Revealed.

JASMINE [dazed]: ... oh, yeah, my line: if not solved.

CHLANGA [sighs, but continues]: Kaliiox wrote tonight's questions. #1: where do Codestones come from?

KALIIOX: It's nighttime?

CHLANGA: Poetic license, Kaliiox.

KALIIOX: But that's not poetry...

CHLANGA: It doesn't matter! That's just how I do the introduction!

JASMINE: What about our personal introductions? How can I be the future star of Neopia if nobody knows my name?

ARGETL [finally stops laughing]: Alright... *begins to talk impossibly fast* I'mArgetltheproducer, thisisJasminethefuturestarofNeopia, here'sChlangatheVoiceofReasonandKaliioxtheUltimateGenius.

CHLANGA: ... did anyone understand that?

ARGETL: I did.

JASMINE: Of course you did; you said it.

ARGETL: Don't give me that. I don't understand half the things I say.

CHLANGA [sighs]: Let's just get on with the question.

KALIIOX: What's the question?

JASMINE: You don't know? You wrote it!

ARGETL [looks at notes]: Question #1: where do Codestones come from?

JASMINE: Mystery Island, duh! That's no mystery!

CHLANGA: I think Kaliiox meant for us to be a little more specific than that.

KALIIOX: *nods*

ARGETL: Oo! I know! There's a big Codestone making machine in the volcano on Mystery Island... and it shoots out Codestones that land all over Neopia, explaining why I keep finding them on the floor.

JASMINE: ... sure, okay, let's go with that.

KALIIOX: Actually, why Argetl keeps finding Codestones on the floor was the next mystery...

CHLANGA: Well then, we'll have to skip that one. What's the third question?

ARGETL: The third question is... Kaliiox, why is there no third question?

KALIIOX: What? Let me see that. Oh, yeah, I wrote the third question on a separate piece of paper.

JASMINE: ... and where is that separate piece of paper?

KALIIOX: Good question.

CHLANGA: Good grief.

ARGETL: Well then. Question #4: why do books vanish after you read them?

KALIIOX: Wait... I know the real reason. Do we want to the real explanation, or the fun explanation?




[Jasmine and Chlanga stare at Argetl.]

ARGETL: What? Isn't there already enough boring stuff in the world?

JASMINE: I know this one too; books vanish after you read them... err... I know the answer. I just don't know how to explain it.

ARGETL: It's part of a conspiracy to bankrupt Neopians by forcing them to buy expensive books. Just today, I bought a book for 707 Neopoints and only sold it for 500NP. It's money down the drain, my friends!

CHLANGA: Except that you can easily make that up by playing a game.

ARGETL: It's still money down the drain! Do you have any idea how much the seventy-something books I've read to Kaliiox have cost?

KALIIOX: *is suddenly uncomfortable*

JASMINE: No, I haven't got a clue.

ARGETL: ... neither have I, actually.

CHLANGA: Question #5: Why are there mud puddles in Turmac Roll?

JASMINE: Oh! It's a conspiracy like Argetl said, only to get us to buy grooming stuff, because Turmac Roll is like the most popular game in Neopia!

ARGETL: *is playing Turmac Roll under the table*

JASMINE [seeing Argetl playing Turmac Roll]: I told you so! I told you!

[Jasmine continues to rant until Chlanga quietly removes her from the room. Now only Argetl and Kaliiox are left onscreen.]

ARGETL [finishes with Turmac Roll]: Wahoo, a new high score. Anyway. Question #6: Who are the Money Tree ghosts?

KALIIOX [holding book; very serious]: According to Secrets of the Money Tree, the ghosts are the spirits of well-off Neopians who tried to cheat the Money Tree and are now bound in service to it for all eternity.

NEON: *plays spooky music*

ARGETL [is suddenly uncomfortable]: Well... that's very interesting, Kaliiox.

[Jasmine and Chlanga return; Jasmine looks rather out of breath.]

CHLANGA [looking at notes]: Let's see, question #7 is: Why does the Soup Faerie work for free?

JASMINE [dismissively]: She doesn't work for free; she gets all the leftover soup!

CHLANGA: She's still not being paid.

ARGETL: Out of the goodness of her heart?

JASMINE: What heart? What goodness?

KALIIOX [observantly]: You're being cynical again.

JASMINE: *head in paws*

ARGETL [patting Jasmine on the back]: It's okay, Jas... it's okay.

JASMINE: *glares at Argetl*

CHLANGA: Anyway, what's our answer? "Out of the goodness of her heart"?

ARGETL [looks at Jasmine, and stops patting her]: I know! The Soup Faerie does secretly get paid, but by not telling anyone she also gets a good reputation!

JASMINE [skeptical]: Who pays her, then?

ARGETL: ... good question.


JASMINE: And why does Fyora pay the Soup Faerie to give out soup?

ARGETL: Out of the kindness and goodness--?

JASMINE [slightly hysterical; interrupting Argetl]: WHAT KINDNESS? WHAT GOODNESS?

CHLANGA [shakes head]: Looks like someone needs another session with her psychiatrist.

[Chlanga escorts Jasmine offscreen.]

ARGETL: Question #8! Where does the Snowager get all that stuff? Well, let's investigate...

KALIIOX [jumps up]: No way! I am not going to investigate the Snowager! You know what happened when I investigated the Giant Omelette!

ARGETL: Well, someone has to investigate it.

KALIIOX: Not me! You do it, if you're so keen on fieldwork.

ARGETL: ... who'd hold the camera?

NEON: *mumble*

ARGETL: Alright, fine, Kaliiox. Neon and I will go to Terror Mountain to find out where the Snowager gets all that stuff. We'll leave a camera on a tripod here.

[Kaliiox sits down, relieved. The next scene shown is of Argetl in Happy Valley.]

ARGETL [shouting over sounds of snow and seasonal music]: I won't actually be going to Terror Mountain. Terror Mountain is three lands in one, for anyone who's never been there before. I'll be going to the Ice Caves, where the Snowager lives. Right now I'm in Happy Valley.

[Argetl walks through Happy Valley, stopping to purchase and drink a slushie. She reaches the cliff that leads to the Ice Caves.]

ARGETL [slurping up dregs of slushie]: Now, how in Neopia am I supposed to get up there? And where can I put this empty slushie cup?

NEON: *mumble*

[A blue Shoyru arm extends past the camera and points at a trash can behind Argetl.]

ARGETL: Oh, thanks. *throws away cup in trash can* Now... to get up this cliff.

[Camera switches back to studio. Kaliiox is onscreen, reading a book. There is about five minutes of Kaliiox reading a book in silence before Chlanga and Jasmine return.]

CHLANGA: Where's Argetl?

JASMINE [horrified]: You didn't just let her wander off, did you? Who knows what might have happened to her?

KALIIOX [without looking up from book]: She's on Terror Mountain.

JASMINE [suspicious]: Why?

CHLANGA [reading from list of questions]: Question #8: Where does the Snowager get all that stuff?

[Chlanga and Jasmine look at each other.]

JASMINE [horrified again]: Oh no.

CHLANGA [grim]: Oh yes.

JASMINE [still horrified]: She didn't.

CHLANGA [resigned]: She did.

JASMINE: But... it's the Snowager! And it's Argetl!


JASMINE: She's going to, like, try to interview it, or something! At least normally she has one of us there to protect her! And she's normally not trying to talk to it, just trying to grab something!

CHLANGA: *nods grimly*

KALIIOX [still not looking up from book]: Neon's with her.

JASMINE: Neon's with her. That's just great. He, the champion mumbler of all time, is going to be able to stop her from doing something stupid. Was he really that helpful when you were in Tyrannia?

KALIIOX [finally looks up from book]: ... no. He let me try to climb the cliff until my hands were bloody before he told me about the staircase.

JASMINE [resigned and determined]: One of us has to go after her.

KALIIOX: Not me.

CHLANGA [a bit reluctant]: I guess I'll have to go.

JASMINE: You'll "have to go"? And why will you "have to go"?

CHLANGA: I'm the one who always has to go around minding Argetl, making sure she doesn't hurt herself or someone else!

JASMINE [snorts]: Yeah, and you're so successful.

CHLANGA: You try it, then. I'm off to Terror Mountain.

[Camera cuts back to Argetl. She is standing by the cliff, winded.]

ARGETL: I'm not going to be able to climb this, am I?

NEON: *mumble of agreement*

ARGETL: And since I can't climb it, I'll have to think up another way to get to the Ice Caves. How do I usually go?

NEON: *questioning mumble*

ARGETL: I seem to recall... something about Taelia. Oh, wait, no, that's my NeoAdventure, which I'm busy adapting for the Neopian Times.

NEON: *mumble*

ARGETL: ... Neon, I'm not even going to ask why you didn't tell me about the stairs before. We already did that last time. Just so you know, the thing Kaliiox told you last time? It applies to me, too.

NEON: *mumble of embarrassment*

ARGETL: Don't worry, I forgive you. Let's go find that staircase.

[The view switches. Chlanga is onscreen, walking down a path; Jasmine is following her, holding the camera.]

JASMINE: I don't know why I even came. You realize that the studio camera's been left with just Kaliiox on it? Anyone watching will be bored to death. He'll just sit there and read. And then, when he finishes that book, he'll go out and get another book. And then he'll come back, sit there, and read.

CHLANGA [not paying attention]: Uh-huh.

JASMINE: And this camera is heavy. Who even knew that Neon had three cameras? I swear, this thing has got to be the heaviest camera in existence.

CHLANGA [still focusing on the path ahead]: Uh-huh.

JASMINE: Why are we even doing this? Maybe if Argetl gets blasted by the Snowager, she'll learn a lesson.

CHLANGA [still not paying attention]: Uh-huh.

JASMINE [suddenly realizes that Chlanga isn't paying attention and decides to see what she can make her sister agree to]: I am the greatest. Everyone should bow to me. I am the most beautiful living thing in Neopia. Xweetoks are stupid and ugly. Plushies are boring. Usukis are awesome. No proper girl is without a few Usukis.

CHLANGA [still not paying attention]: Uh-huh.

[Camera cuts back to Argetl. She's walking through the Ice Caves now. The place is very crowded. The camera view is very close to Argetl so that they will not be separated in the crowd.]

ARGETL: I brought a notepad so that when we get to the Snowager, I can write down what he says.

NEON [slightly crushed by crowd]: *muffled mumbling*

ARGETL [talking rather loud; crowd noise suddenly increases]: What's that, Neon?! You'll have to SPEAK UP!

NEON: *louder, but still muffled, mumbling*


[Argetl and Neon suddenly find themselves in an absolutely silent and deserted area: the entrance to the Snowager's lair.]

NEON: *shouted mumbling*

ARGETL [rubs ear]: Well, you don't have to be that loud!

NEON: *sigh*

[Camera view switched back to the studio. Kaliiox has invited Neon's brothers, __stoneheart__ and dragon_fire_591 (both owned by dragon_feather_591), over. Dragonfire is sitting at the table and trying to look interested. Stoneheart is lying on the ground nearby staring at the ceiling and playing with a toy airplane. Kaliiox is reading another book.]

DRAGONFIRE [making conversation]: So where are your mother and sisters, again?

KALIIOX [without looking up from book]: On Terror Mountain.

DRAGONFIRE: Investigating the Snowager, right?


DRAGONFIRE: And Neon is with them?


STONEHEART [suddenly sits up]: Ice sculptures!

DRAGONFIRE [suddenly turns cynical]: What, are they going to try and eat us all, too?

STONEHEART [looks at Dragonfire]: Yes.

DRAGONFIRE [turns to the camera and explains]: Stoneheart is crazy. He thinks statues are going to come to life and devour us all.

STONEHEART: *babbles something about statues, devouring, death, and destruction*

[Camera switches back to Argetl. She's standing in the Snowager's lair with the Snowager looming over her. She got a microphone somewhere and is holding it out to the Snowager. The camera is much farther back.]

ARGETL: So, Mr. Snowager, we were wondering: just where do you get all that stuff?


ARGETL [scribbling in notebook]: From the land of Rawrr? And where might that be?


ARGETL [makes note]: It's in Graaar. I see. *pulls out map of Neopia* Can you point to where that is?

[At this point, the Snowager rears back and the camera is lost in the icy whiteness of its breath. We cut to Chlanga, who is standing in the deserted area in front of the Snowager's lair. Argetl and Neon come walking out; they are disheveled and covered in snow, and Neon is lugging a broken camera.]

JASMINE: You're alive!

ARGETL: Yeah, so? Why wouldn't I be?

JASMINE: Because you inspired the Snowager's wrath!

ARGETL [not really paying attention]: Oh, good, I'm inspiring. Do you know if there's a food shop around here? Getting blasted like that can really make you hungry. Or a Healing Potion would help.

CHLANGA [sighs]: Here... I brought along this Healing Potion XI and Tchea Fruit... I knew we'd need them.

[Argetl eats the Tchea Fruit and drinks the potion. Then she turns to the Neopets.]

ARGETL: Well, we'd better get back to the studio... I don't think Kaliiox will have done anything, but you never can tell.

[The next image shown is over Argetl's shoulder into the studio. Stoneheart is decorating the studio camera and tripod with streamers, after seemingly decorating the rest of the room. Dragonfire is in the corner playing with a yo-yo and Kaliiox is reading a book. As the new arrivals stand transfixed by this, the camera topples over. Neon moans and, dumping his other broken camera, runs to it. Stoneheart spots him and runs out of the room.]

ARGETL [trying to sound cheerful without much success]: Well, it was about time for us to redecorate, anyway.

NEON: *hurt mumbling as he cradles studio camera in his arms*

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