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The Top 10 Most Indigestible Foods in Neopia


by fancifully

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There have been numerous articles about food in this fine publication over the years, and rightly so. Food is one of the three most important things in Neopia, with the other two being clothing and complete and utter subservience to our Meepit masters. Yet while there have been articles on top-quality restaurants, desert delicacies and even “gross” foods, to name just a select few, there has not been an article dedicated solely to warning you, as a caring owner of your Neopet, to steer clear of those “foods” that should never have been classified as edible in the first place.

Luckily, I’m here to help! After travelling all over Neopia with my faithful pet, Lhalle, we have sampled cuisine that nobody should ever have to taste, all in the name of service to our fellow Neopians. On our quest to find victuals that make foods classified as “gross” seem like Ambrosia, our eyes have watered, our stomachs have churned and fellow travellers have accused us of insanity after seeing our questionable food choices. It has all been worth it, though, as without further ado I can now present to you the Top 10 Most Indigestible Foods in Neopia. I strongly suggest you avoid them at all costs.

Number 10: Thistleberry Sandwich

Price: Approx 27,000 NP

The name says it all. When this supposed “gourmet food” was offered to Lhalle, her eyes welled up with tears at the sight of those large, spiky thistles sitting innocuously between two slices of white bread. For the purposes of research, however, she finally agreed to take a bite and I consequently spent the next 10 hours feeding her Honey Coated Apple Slices and Chamomile Tea to try and soothe the “ouch” created by those Thistleberries. Don’t get sucked in by this food’s gourmet status: Avoid at all costs.

Number 9: Rancid Dung Coffee

Price: Approx 40 NP

The description of this charming fare states, “Mix rancid dung with burnt coffee and top it off with a slice of orange and well..” Wondering why they trailed off? Allow me to enlighten you. After sampling this vile brew, the heady scent and taste of rancid dung proceeds to knock you out before the burnt coffee even has a chance to work its distasteful magic. As you lie unconscious, the noxiousness of the brew melts the sides of the rather pretty blue cup it is served in, and it seeps out and gives you a nasty burn. Delightful, isn’t it?

Number 8: Poisonous Lollypop

Price: 1 NP

I would question the sanity of any owner who willingly gave an item of Jhudora’s to their beloved pet. The poison in this pop works its way slowly through the digestive tract, coating it in purple and green slime which makes eating anything extremely uncomfortable for days afterwards. After the sliming, the venom settles in the stomach, giving your pet a nasty tummy ache that can last up to a month. Cheap it may be, but definitely not worth the intestinal grief.

Number 7: Thornberry Fruit Grog

Price: Approx 1,100 NP

Even more dangerous than the Thistleberry, the Thornberry has been brewed into a deceptively innocent-looking pink concoction that should make any discerning Neopet running for the hills. This item may be described as, “A juicy, sweet bubbly brew that is wonderful to sip on a hot day,” but don’t be fooled. If the wickedly sharp Thornberries don’t leave you with nasty scratches, the pungent fruit grog will give you a killer headache, making you wish you’d read this article before you made such a rash culinary decision.

Number 6: Altadorian Sun Cheese

Price: Approx 1,400 NP

Like the previous entry, this is one of those deceptive foods that look simply charming at first sight. Upon first seeing this cheese, Lhalle begged me to buy it as a reprieve from the horrible fare she had been sampling daily. As we soon found out, not only is this cheese shaped like the sun, it burns with a heat to match. After poor Lhalle took a bite, I did not get a wink of sleep for days because I was so busy buying Ice Lollies to soothe her burns. Pretty? Yes. Digestible? Definitely not!

Number 5: Anchovies

Price: Approx 150,000 NP

If stomachs could talk, I’m quite sure that every one in Neopia would have let out a resounding cheer when this item was retired. Considering that neither I nor Lhalle could be paid to eat these, their inflation to over 100,000 NP is a good sign that the days of Anchovy-induced trauma in Neopia could soon be over. Once having sampled these slimy, salty and possibly hairy fish, one is scarred for life. You will remember eating Anchovies for all the wrong reasons.

Number 4: Grilled Shiskafruit

Price: Approx 1,500 NP

This fruit looks almost as nasty as it tastes. No one knows exactly what Shiskafruit is, and certainly nobody can pronounce it, but what we do know is that one taste is all it takes to become a life member of the “SHISKAFRUIT = EVIL” club. As if the sharp skewers it’s served on weren’t enough to warn you off, some crazy person has actually gone and grilled the dish. Who ever heard of eating grilled fruit? I’m telling you now: Don’t try it.

Number 3: Fried Suwek

Price: Approx 98,000 NP

This delicacy from the Lost Desert is, in a word, gross. Some poor Suwek has been fried up, covered in what appear to be mustard, onions and some mysterious red dots and then impaled. Usually served with Sutek Beans, (I have yet to discover what Sutek Beans did to deserve such a horrible fate), this is one dish that looks exactly like it tastes: disgusting.

Number 2: Baked Intesteen

Price: Approx 1,900 NP

“Now that is just nasty!”

I think the item description sums up all anyone could say about this “food”.

Number 1: Artificially Flavoured Banana Snacks

Price: Approx 700,000 NP

At the end of our travels, Lhalle and I stumbled upon the Cork Gun Gallery, a shady place hidden deep within the Haunted Woods. After shooting corks for what felt like days, we succeeded in knocking this foul thing off the shelves. The mould that appears to be growing on the corners of the dirty, soggy box warned us that what was ahead would not be pleasant. It wasn’t. The outrageous price for this awful chow can only be seen as an attempt by those who have had the misfortune to sample what is inside to ensure that nobody else ever has to suffer as they did. While we have still not recovered sufficiently to speak of the horrors contained within this box, we can leave you with one warning: Artificial Flavouring is not your friend. It is not your stomach’s friend. It is never, EVER a good idea. You have been warned.

 
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