Why Our World Will Explode - Skarl's Throne
Although there are few things wrong with Neopia, and most of those things are Doctor Sloth’s doing, there is one fault that sticks out so blatantly it makes you wonder if even sore toes would be up to the job of describing it.
This fault is so obvious I shouldn’t even have to tell you, but I will anyway. Do you know, in Meridell Castle, where Skarl’s throne is? Well, I’ll let you in on a secret. Skarl’s throne is 2 centimetres closer to the left wall than to the right one! I know! It’s so obvious you have to ask yourselves why you never noticed before now!
I have obsessed for many days and many nights over this flaw in the Castle’s design. I do not live there, but since I come up so often, I am treated as family by the Castle’s residents. I need to be friends with them, to get closer to that throne room. Every day I go in there and measure the distance, every day I get the same answer. It is always 2 centimetres closer to the left wall than the right one! Always!
I have given much thought as to what might encourage the Castle’s builders to construct the throne room in this peculiar way, but until recently I have been unable to uncover a suitable reason for this small change in measurements.
Now, after three full nights of uninterrupted thought, eating nothing but Smoked Meridellian Fish and Raisin Twist Loaf, I have come up with 5 reasons that have passed my intellectual scrutiny.
Reason Number 1:
King Skarl is left-handed.
Now, I myself thought this was far-fetched, but it makes sense! If he was left-handed, it is sensible that he wants to make the wall on the left side of his throne feel happier because it is closer to our beloved King. He is biased towards left things, but wants to keep it a secret.
For instance, he is quite symmetrical in how he dresses, almost as if he does not want anybody to know that he is rather fonder of the left sleeve of his kingly coat. So therefore he had the Castle’s builders put a very slight amount of difference in the center-ness of his throne. It makes him feel better, as he is closer to the left wall, but it doesn’t let his people, or the right wall, find out that he favours the left-hand side of his kingdom more. It is, after all, a very scant 2 centimetres.
Reason Number 2:
Skidgets have made a nest underneath the throne.
It’s really quite simple. Skidgets have, over the years, made their nest underneath the throne larger and larger, expanding as is necessary. After a particularly big increase in their nest size, a minute part of their nest collapsed, making a miniature-landslide. The throne slid to the left a little bit. Or, if you want to be fancy, the throne slid to the left 2 centimetres!
Now this is all looking a bit convenient, I’d say! In fact, maybe the Skidgets are under specific orders from Doctor Sloth! I shall test this theory tomorrow, as they are still, at this stage, theoretical Skidgets.
Reason Number 3:
All those restockers traipsing into Meridell caused an earthquake.
All the footsteps and yelling of the ever-present restockers down at the Meridell Food Shop, being comprised of vibrations, have entered the earth and started a process that could’ve been thwarted for at least four more years! The natural earthquake waiting to happen, as earthquakes do, has been hurried along its ambling path, forced to unleash its power before it was quite ready to do so.
This has (predictably, by now, I’m sure) caused King Skarl’s throne to shift towards the left wall of his throne room, by that familiar measurement, 2 centimetres! Perhaps this way, no sinister plot is being unleashed upon Meridell, and Neopia is safe, but we must never rest! Who says Draik Eggs have to restock at the Food Shop anyway? The idea could’ve been planted years earlier by none other than Doctor Sloth!
Reason Number 4:
Meridell has its own Wheel.
Call it the Wheel of Meridell, the Wheel of Potatoes or the Wheel of Slightly Damp Shoes, it’s still a Wheel, and it’s out there, somewhere! It’s possible that this undiscovered Wheel is His Majesty’s personal entertainment source for when he is bored and supposedly ‘Out to Lunch.’
Perhaps one of the options available on the Wheel is a fortune-teller type reward. If said fortune-teller had mentioned something about the King’s favourite chair suddenly liking a new patch of floor (exactly 2 centimetres closer to the left wall than the right, maybe?) and it ‘just so happened’ that the next day, the King’s favourite chair had indeed decided it rather wanted to be situated atop the patch of floor foretold by the fortune-teller the day before, would King Skarl not be impressed by his fortune-teller’s expertise? If the King got too impressed, he would be impressionable, thus giving Sloth the perfect opportunity to strike, using the fortune-teller! Genius!
Reason Number 5:
The wind is picking up.
All those clouds scudding across the sky are just distractions from the sinister plot that makes them skip along. This plot is a plan to move buildings, shops, hills and Illusen’s Glade slightly out of the way, so that Doctor Sloth (again!) can bring in his armies of Sloth Clones and Halloween Moehogs to ravage Meridell!
The only thing that can possibly save us in time is if we all buy every single Halloween Paint Brush there is in Neopia! That way Sloth can’t get at them and his army will be short several hundred Halloween Moehogs and there’s no way he would march on Meridell!
It will be too late for the buildings already moved, I can tell, even in this early stage of the invasion (is this familiar to anyone?), but there are many other things we can do!
Brace the walls with potatoes!! Fill those sandbags with Flat Bread and Durbage! MAN THE CANNONS! Do we have cannons?! Attack the invaders!! YAR! We will continue til first light! I will see you later, civilian!