How to Plan Neopian Domination
I see you’re seeking to rule the world. Ambitious of you. Managing the whole of Neopia and its inhabitants is some pretty risky business, but if your villainous intentions are true, you’re sure to find some fantastic rewards along the way. Here’s your first: advice.
Now, first, it may appear that a world dominator either has to be a “possibly hundreds of years old”, strangely green colored creature with three strands of hair or a puzzle obsessive kacheek with little to do other than scaring away visitors with his frightening anagrams but, rest assured, we everyday Neopians can do it too.
To begin, a ruler of the world must have the perfect name. Often starting with the title doctor can have a certain malevolent effect because, for whatever reason, world domination seems more possible by those who have supposedly earned a PhD (and to avoid any confusion, I am in no way accusing Dr. Frank Sloth of not having the proper schooling. Just thought I’d clear that up before I become a target of any Sloth followers with Asparagus Powered Ray Guns or MechaBerry bombs). Using an everyday first name such as John or Ben followed by an evil sounding, complicated last name are often quite successful. Whether you choose to be Dr. Daniel Concanavalin or General Practitioner Edward Tripolyphosphate, I’ll leave it up to you.
Next, it’s a good idea to start out with an outlandish, improbable (if not impossible) plan including mutant Babaas, enormous, unnecessary machines with complicated names and the all-too-important, obvious solution to putting a stop to your scheme. Always generate a speech that explains your fiendish course of action so that when you unmask your evil ways in public, you know precisely what to say to the unsuspecting crowd of innocent Neopian citizens before you. Make it long enough so people will find it intelligent and complex while still not being able to remember the majority of it by the time you’ve finished. Use words like calamitous, pernicious, and catastrophic to frighten your audience and also make that apparent PhD look worthwhile. Practice your world terminating speech every night in front of your Grinning Sloth Mirror (I know you have one) using grotesque faces and wild hand motions for special effect.
Another feature no evil villain can be without is a trademark outfit; the more bizarre and eccentric, the more memorable. Extreme colors such as lime green or purple are perfect or even that Dashing Bathing Suit you’ve been eyeing at the NC mall can make for a nice choice of wicked attire. No world dominator can be without an unmistakable accessory such as a mind control headset (both gorgeous and useful; how can you go wrong?), a giant diamond ring, possibly with an attached laser, or that hideous Orange Plaid Bow Tie to easily scare away your victims. If you’re going to control the universe, might as well do it in style. Besides, I’m sure the NC mall is having some sort of “Villains Attire Half Off” sale by now. Don’t want to miss out on those serious bargains. They’re practically a steal! P.S. don’t actually steal it. We world dominators don’t fall so low. Yes, we may very well be bent on Neopian domination but hey, at least we’ve got class.
We all know that villainous characters such as us MUST have an evil lair. It’s just plain necessity. If you don’t have a lair, where in the world are you going to keep your armies of evil Mootix or your gigantic Levatato Ray? When picking your evil lair, it’s all about location, location, location. Building your evil den in the middle of the Neopian Bazaar right between Usuki Land and Hubert’s Hotdogs – probably not the greatest idea.
Choose somewhere where you’ll never be found such as hidden beneath the Maraquan Ruins or tucked in the darkness of the Tyrannia’s Lair of the Beast. Heck, even try to get some nice land on Lutari Island. NOBODY can get to you there. Naming your lair is the next step. Just calling your lair “The Lair”, sure, it’s traditional, but come on. Seriously? I think you can do better. Call it something like “The Toxic Burrow” or “The Hideaway of Wickedness”. Whatever you choose, just make sure it’s evil, ok?
Last but most certainly not least, a diabolical laugh is always a necessity. If they can’t see you, how else are they supposed to recognize you? For our wicked women, high pitched, banshee-like shrieks work quite nicely and for the men, a deep, booming sound from the bottom of the chest is tremendously efficient. If neither of these suggestions suit you, a good old fashion cough-like cackle performs just as well. I’m sure Edna can teach you a little bit about the perfect kind of laughter. Maybe even Jhudora would be willing to give you a few helpful hints as long as she’s not yelling at you for not bringing her that Gold Brush in time. At least the Esophagor has the decency of giving you an hour or two rather than just 16 minutes and 39 seconds. Sheesh. Ahh, well, I’m rambling, aren’t I? Where were we? Ahh, yes, the laugh. Practice this laugh even more often than your speech and make sure to test its echo ability in a nearby cave.
Now that you have the basics all figured out, actually putting your plan into action is the next step. Before you go out telling every person you see that you have plans to rule Neopia, it’s better to stay quiet and have everything in order first. Believe me, if you tell someone you’re going to destroy them at your lair with your army of Fighting Folders when you actually don’t HAVE an army of Fighting Folders, let alone a lair to keep them in, it’s kind of difficult to back up.
Keep in mind that once you become a powerful threat to the happiness of Neopia, there are going to be people lining up to become your arch nemesis. Without an archenemy, you can’t possibly be a villain. For every Lord Kass there’s a Jeran, and for every Captain Scarblade, there’s a Garin. Do the math. Get to know your enemy to the best of your ability and always be ready for that unexpected epic battle. You know you’re a great Neopian villain once you’ve managed to get The Neopets Team to create a plot featuring your evil ways against that of your rival in which each Neopian citizen chooses a side. It’s days like those that make me proud to teach a group of scoundrels like yourselves.
My hopes are that you have, in fact, become an expert in your attempt to take over the world and that I’ll gladly see you putting your newly learned knowledge to good use. Good luck to you and your plans to command, control and overrule the world.