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Jhudora's Prizes Are SO Unappreciated


by larkspurlane

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I have a question.

     WHY is this ink not purple?

     Or green? I could work with green. A nice acidic Jhudora kind of green that makes peoples’ eyes water. Black ink is so pedestrian. Well I suppose it is black like my heart, the abyss of night and wickedness and all that... whatever.

     Ink colour aside, I have a bone to pick with these quester types who climb up to my cloud, bug me to give them quests, and then resell my absolutely fabulous prizes for a pittance. It’s appalling. My beautifully crafted items of pure evil are being sold for one neopoint. This is not a joke. I went to that puffball of a Shop Wizard myself to check and I was so shocked that I shouted obscenities at him until he fainted.

     Frankly I am offended that people would sell my items in the first place -- because they are amazing -- but to sell them for the lowest unit of monetary denomination on this planet is just insulting. What is these people’s problem, exactly? Can’t they just enjoy these items for their intrinsic evil value?

     I was going to just poison everybody listed by the Shop Wizard as a punishment for their terrible behaviour, but I don’t think that this would actually be a cost-effective method of stopping these halfwits from doing what they’re doing. Which is why I am now writing in an ugly ink colour to the Neopian Times.

     I shall, by way of my literary virtuosity and convincing prose, illuminate these poor saps and show them how and why the prizes they get from me, Jhudora the Fabulously Evil, are magnificent beyond expression, items of undiluted wickedness that should be cherished as family heirlooms for generations to come.

     I will try to keep my tone calm, firm, and non-threatening.

     POISONOUS LOLLYPOPS ARE AWESOME AND ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS A DWEEB!!!

     So anyway. Pay attention and stop getting distracted by everything. Poisonous Lollypops. I make those things myself. I wander around Faerieland collecting twigs and I dye them white with some paste thing I stole from the Tooth Faerie (the twerp! I knew her pearly whites weren’t natural). Then I stick the twigs into the candy (whose angry face I paint on by hand) and we have a Poisonous Lollypop -- a work of art and a work of devious ingenuity, if I do say so myself.

     Think about it -- they’re called Poisonous Lollypops, so when you give them to your friends, they will of course think they aren’t poisonous, because why would you try to poison someone by giving them something whose name indicates that it is actually poisonous? It would have to be called an Unpoisonous Lollypop, then they would get suspicious, maybe, if they had half a brain, which they don’t anyway. So if you give them a Poisonous Lollypop they will think it’s a fine joke and eat it and get poisoned. Are you following my logic? It’s kind of twisted (like me!) and wily (like me!) and dark (like me!).

     Poisonous Lollypops. I can guarantee that you will keep many friends this way.

     Keep them in a state of perpetual agony, that is.

     Hehe! I just made a joke. The only thing that could make this joke even more hilarious would be if it made a reference to how poorly colour-coordinated Illusen’s outfits are. I guess I’ll save that for later.

     Anyone who feels blindsided by this sudden display of hostility is a nitwit.

     Where was I? The ink? The prizes. Being sold for nothing! Being called worthless! Would you like some cheese with that whine? No? How about Unpoisonous Cheese? It’s good. Try it or I’ll force feed you some Poisonous Cheese. Ooh!

     I think around the fifth time someone completes one of my quests I give them a Jhudora’s Brush. The going rate on these is three neopoints! I can’t believe it. This is one fine item: the handle is sturdy and perfect for grasping so that you can whack the imbeciles around you repeatedly upside the head with it. The only un-perfect thing about the Jhudora’s Brush is that its description is syntactically problematic: Use this brush to make your pet’s coat super-shiny like Jhudora’s!

     A nincompoop might become confused and think that this description implies that I actually have fur myself. I am not actually that hairy (except for my luscious locks -- on my head). By the way, I heard that Illusen has nose hair issues. But that’s beside the point. I should get this description changed to use this brush to 1) hit your enemies 2) polish your vehicle of choice 3) point people in the direction of Kiko Lake when you’re telling them to jump into it and 4) make your pet’s coat super-shiny like Jhudora’s HAIR ON HER HEAD.

     That seems friendly enough, and then everyone will understand that I am not, in fact, a hairy beastie.

     Speaking of hairy beasties, my Jhudora T-shirts are made of the finest Gnorbu wool. I get them custom made from the Spider Grundo himself (talk about your problematic syntax... but that’s another issue). Spider Grundo make good Jhudora T-shirts! Spider Grundo charge exorbitant prices! Spider Grundo make Jhudora face appear slimmer on design! Spider Grundo introduce new line of Jhudora Wear for Y12!

     The Spider Grundo is a nice little potential minion, as far as potential minions go, except he gets annoyed when I call him Two-Toes. Some people are so sensitive.

     Anyway, these fine Jhudora T-Shirts are being sold for five neopoints at the time of writing. What in the name of Illusen’s Hoochie Coochies are they thinking? That’s a quality product!!

     So then there are the mushrooms. The Gnome Shroom, the Purple Spotted Shroom, the Toxic Shroom, the Dark Shroom. What a fine collection of noxious naughties! Eat all four and get a free pass to the pharmacy (if you can make it there -- hah!). Otherwise you could tie them up in a lovely bouquet and present them to your loved ones. Even better, you could tie them up into a lovely bouquet and present them to Illusen with my compliments:

     Dear Illusen The Freak:

     These mushrooms are shaped like your head.

     Yours antagonistically,

     Jhudora AKA One Who Is More Stylish Than You Will Ever Be.

     P.S. You should eat these mushrooms right now.

     Then I have all of my perfectly poisonous concoctions of potent potion-ish perfection and... p... well I can’t think of a suitable word that means “fabulousness” that starts with ‘p,’ but you see where I’m going with this.

     Take the Purple Blob Potion. Currently selling for fifteen neopoints. Ridiculous! This item is an excellent Battledome weapon. I think. At any rate it explodes when you toss it in someone’s face, which I highly recommend doing on a regular basis because it’s great therapy. And the Noxious Nectar. You could pour some into to the cocktails you’re serving at your get-togethers as a fun surprise for your guests. And the Caustic Potion! Fill up your friends’ shampoo bottles with it and watch the fun. And the Malice Potion, this is my personal favourite, you could --

     Pfft. I’m wasting my breath here. Or rather, I am wasting ugly boring ink so I guess it doesn’t matter. Figure out what to do with the Malice Potion yourself! Use your imagination. Evilgination. Whatever.

     You know, it’s weird. All of these prizes are so useful and yet the ones which are the most valued by the general populace are the ones that don’t really do anything. Take the Bartamus. Expensive fellow. Cute and toothy but, in terms of disseminating evil, quite useless. I mean you could unleash a rabid flock of Bartamus on unsuspecting do-gooders, but that lacks the subtlety of poison and the entertainment value of making your friends bald. And the Wand of the Dark Faerie -- SURE, it’s a weapon of fabulous power, but when you’re not fighting, what are you supposed to do with it? Poke people in the eye? Sheesh.

     I guess poking people in the eye with a Wand of the Dark Faerie can be fun. But still. There’s so much more scope for evil in a simple Purple Blob Potion.

     People need to understand the value of items based on their evil-use potential. This is what I’m trying to say here.

     Now I’m running out of this crummy black ink. And I’m tired of trying to justify things to evil-incompetent twits. So I will sign off. Plus I’m meeting someone at kelp for Valentines Day. He’s a big fan of mine -- collects the T-shirts and everything. Name’s Frank, you might have heard of him. He’s paying, so it’s all good (kelp is an expensive restaurant; you can tell because its name isn’t capitalized).

     I’ll give Frank some free Caustic Potion. In his drink, when he isn’t looking. Then I’ll steal his cool cloak.

     You know, it’s probably possible to take over the world by using a single Poisonous Lollypop. I’ll have to discuss the issue with Frank -- he’s good with this stuff.

     Now I’m late! Not that it matters, because the world revolves around me, but that kelp Maitre D’ is really particular about reservations. I’ll bring my Jhudora’s Brush in case he gives me trouble. Maybe if I thwack him hard enough, he won’t notice that I’m not leaving a tip.

     Toodles, kids! Always kiss your Bartamus good night!

     - Jhudora

The End

Author’s note: the brief mention herein of the Spider Grundo and his linguistic particularities are a reference to Arula’s story, “Trendy Knitwear From the Spider Grundo” in NT issue 371. Thanks for letting me use your rendition of the Spider Grundo, Arula. May your scarves always smell musty and your wool always be Gnorbu.

 
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