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Letters and Litter


by neocoladdict

--------

Martha works in Letters.

     Hers is a secret job. The general Neopian population has no idea that such a department exists in the Neopets headquarters.

     In fact, what is the Neopets headquarters, you ask? Well, a top secret building in a top secret place so secret that most Neopians have no idea it even exists. All I am permitted to say is that it is built... entirely... out of a gravity-defying food substance. But you didn’t hear it from me. Confidential, you know.

     Moving on. Have you ever wondered where all of those letters you send to “The Neopets Team” go to? After you’ve tied that letter to the leg of a white Weewoo, where exactly does that petpet fly to?

     Straight to the Letters Department, where your letter is opened, read and sometimes replied to by a few select individuals. Their identity is kept completely under wraps so that crazed Neopians don’t ambush them on the streets.

     Back to Martha (not her real name).

     Martha works in Letters.

     To be more specific, she works in Suggestions. Take a left turn at the red sign, and that cramped, stuffy, overflowing-with-paper cubicle is hers.

     Every day, Martha opens thousands of letters from Neopians across the planet. Occasionally a letter from the Space Station will make its way to her desk, as well.

     This is a compilation of all the letters that should never have been sent.

     This is a tribute to Martha’s cluttered desk. Of letters and litter.

     Enjoy.

     ***

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Please make the Kadoatie cages in the Kadoatery bigger. I think the small cages are bad for the kadoaties. They seem to have grown into huge heads and their bodies are so small!!

     Also, I can’t seem to fit that Hearty Pie between the bars.

     Thanks,

     Musho

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Can Poogles have longer legs so they can run faster during Faerieland Poogle Races?

     Thanks,

     Maile

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Please make Red Bouncy Balls bouncier. Mine kinda lost it after the first 234 throws.

     Thanks,

     Katie

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     I forgot to add this to my previous letter!

     ....And also, cages are bad because Kadoaties have long tails; they can reach out and pick the locks of the cages. Then we'll have a horde of hungry kads roaming the streets.

     Maybe Cardboard Boxes would be a better idea.

     Thanks,

     Musho

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Oops. I forgot to mention Blue Bouncy Balls. They need an update too.

     Thanks,

     Katie

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Also, why is Poogle 2 sick this week? I don’t think Poogle Racers should fall sick. It’s unprofessional. Can you tell him off for me??

     Thanks,

     Maile

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Hey! I was playing Kass Basher the other day, and I was given Onion Kacheek Bread to hit the plushie with. Onion Kacheek Bread is soo gross. Can we use Tyrannian Flat Bread instead? It’s nice and durable and I’ve tried it at home. The results are great!

     Thanks,

     Neeko

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Stamp Bouncy Ball too please?

     Thanks,

     Katie

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Please reply to my letter! Those kads need to be saved!

     Thanks,

     Musho

     -

     Dear Martha,

     Please clear at least 30x30 cm space on your desk.

     Thanks,

     Your Supervisor

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Sales of my Onion Kacheek Bread have dropped 70% in the past week! My largest buyer, Kass Basher Inc., has mysteriously turned to Tyrannian Foods as a supplier. Please advise on this issue.

     Thanks,

     The Bakery

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Where can I find Chef Bonju?

     Thanks,

     Chadd

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     My Yellow Bouncy Ball cracked when my Grarrl threw it down the stairs last night.

     We gave it a proper burial.

     Please, prevent similar future tragedies from happening.

     Thanks,

     Katie

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     We’re not sure which bread supplier to use anymore. We seek your help on this issue.

     Thanks,

     Kass Basher, Inc.

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Where can I find Chef Bonju?

     Thanks,

     Chadd

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Please supply the Meridell Kiss-the-Mortog stall with Mortog-kissing suits. That’s the fifth shirt I’ve ruined today.

     P.S. How goes Poogle 2?

     Thanks,

     Maile

     -

     Ugga The Neopets Team,

     Ugga Ugga Ugga BREAD Ugga Ugga Ugga

     Ugga,

     The Tyrannian Food Shop

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     What do you guys think about replacing the Kadoatery with a Warf Kennel?

     Thanks,

     Petpet Protection League

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     My friend says to please reply her letter about the Kadoatery cages.

     P.S. Where can I find Chef Bonju?

     Thanks,

     Chadd

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Two words: Bouncy Balls.

     Thanks,

     Katie

     -

     Dear Martha,

     Please meet me in my office today at 4 PM to discuss the proposed merger of The Bakery and The Tyrannian Food Shop.

     Lawyerbot will be present, so preferably no scissors or paper shredders.

     Thanks,

     Your Supervisor

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     My friend says to please reply her letter about the Kadoatery cages.

     Thanks,

     Maile

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Hey! I was playing Kass Basher the other day, and I was given an Oak Wish Stick to hit the plushie with. Oak Wish Sticks are soo gross. Can we use Cherry Wish Sticks instead? It’s nice and durable and I’ve tried it at home. The results are great!

     Thanks,

     Neeko

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Please tell those crazed avatar collectors to stop pestering me. Perhaps a hint is long overdue.

     Thanks,

     Chef Bonju

     -

     Dear Martha,

     Please clear at least 30x30 cm space on your desk.

     Thanks,

     Your Supervisor

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     What do you think of a Neopian Times article about Bouncy Balls?

     Thanks,

     Katie

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     We are investigating the Meridell Kiss-the-Mortog stall following numerous complaints about the explosion of Mortogs, among other things.

     Thanks,

     Petpet Protection League

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Chef Bonju avatar?

     Thanks,

     Chadd

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Please inform Kass Basher Inc. that Oak Wish Sticks are perfectly acceptable to be used as Kass Bashing tools. Also tell them that a Hularoo figurine would work well as a plushie substitute.

     Thanks,

     Tiki Tack Man

     -

     Dear Martha,

     Your application for a larger desk space has been rejected.

     Thanks,

     Your Supervisor

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     What’s this I hear about my Kiss-the-Mortog stall getting a load of complaints?! My stall’s a favourite with the kiddies. Nay, my mortogs ain’t really bursting! No, they don’t actually stain!

     They may, however, cause warts (on rare occasion, mind you).

     Thanks,

     Kiss-the-Mortog Stall

     Meridell

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     I have had 27 orders to fix assorted Bouncy Balls this week, all from this one Katie girl. What is going on?

     Thanks,

     Donny’s Toy Repair Shop

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     My friend says to please reply his letter about Chef Bonju.

     Thanks,

     Camille

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     Remove Splat-A-Sloth from the games room at once.

     P.S. Cookies?

     Thanks,

     Dr_Sloth

     -

     Dear Martha,

     Please clear at least 30x30 cm space on your desk.

     Thanks,

     Your Supervisor

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     We would like to know why we have been requested by the Games Room to change “Splat-A-Sloth” to “Splat-a-Hularoo”.

     Most regular gamers have stated that they would not be caught within a 10-metre radius of a Hularoo. Also, Tiki Tack prices are a bit inflated at the moment. We demand an explanation.

     Thanks,

     Kass Basher, Inc.

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     I’ve decided to stop purchasing Bouncy Balls.

     My heart breaks at the thought of all those poor, lost little toys... shattered. I can take it no longer.

     P.S. My gallery dedicated to Bouncy Balls is on 29 Soup Faerie Street.

     P.P.S. I think Donny the Toy Repairman has issues or something. He refused my custom just yesterday.

     Thanks,

     Katie

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     The pranksters have been caught and dealt with. They have been charged with Sloth impersonation, unauthorized possession of Meepits and stealing from the cookie jar.

     We also thought it suitable to inform you that the Tiki Tack Man has temporarily closed his Tombola to open a new game, Hobbling Hularoo, right next to the Kass Basher stall.

     P.S. Any news of the Jelly Chia yet?

     Thanks,

     Defenders of Neopia, HQ

     -

     Dear Martha,

     A young writer would like to interview you for her Neopian Times short story. She will be arriving at 3 PM.

     Thanks,

     Your Supervisor

     -

     Dear The Neopets Team,

     My friend says to please reply her letter about the Kadoatery cages.

     Thanks,

     Camille

     -

     Dear Martha,

     You wouldn’t happen to have any editor friends, would you?

     Thanks,

     neocoladdict

The End

 
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