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Royalboys Aren't Pampered Princesses, You Know

by koichiitachi


In my long years as a reporter, never in my life have I ever had the pleasure of interviewing such an outspoken royal youth. When the young Royal Peophin came knocking on my door with his face red with anger, his tail shaking with rage and his clothes torn from the many fangirls who continued to claw at the door to the NT even after I'd locked it, I knew I had a story. I sat the youth down and began asking him questions, but he refused to answer them, not out of that royal attitude you receive from many royal pets, but out of determination to get his opinion and thoughts out. Finally, I just let him talk! And oh did he talk! He spoke what many Royalboys had been thinking for many years now!

I felt so privileged then, as I do now, that I am sharing it with you readers, so without further ado I must show your our conversation. Read it and I hope you consider his words as I did.


"Many pets' owners, big and small, tall and short, nasty and kind, generous and greedy, male and female, all across Neopia are purchasing their very first Royal Paint Brushes at this very moment, and many more still are grasping their brush's handle, holding it tight and smearing that gloppy but fabulously royal paint all over their favoured pets without even a little consideration as to what it is going to do to the pets afterwards. Oh sure, many of you may think that being graciously wealthy and of a uniquely high authority and pedigree is all worthwhile, and maybe it is for a pampered, nail polishing Cybunny princess! But oh-ho! Have you got it so wrong for us princes!

"I, a Royal Peophin, am here today to tell you all about what I have gone through as a prince, what I have had to face. When I've finished with my rantings, you may then proceed to ask questions, but until then, I am going to just keep talking!

"Neopets of royal status can tell you that their royalty is nothing like you have ever seen before! Glorious, glamorous, and wondrous! Though that may be true, I have a hard time believing that all princes LIKE being who they are! I mean, for a princess they just sit in their fancy chairs and wave their fancy waves and smile their fancy smiles, but what does a prince do? Fight the bad guys for the princess.

"'Get rid of that horrid, icky Tigermouse!'

"'Squash that horrendously vulgar Aboogala!'

"'EEEWWW!!!! Get rid of that FILTHY Lightmite infestation!'

"And that's not to mention the BIGGER challenges I've had to endure as my days as a prince! Oh yes, as of the moment I became of royal blood, suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere, there were a thousand Abominable Snow Boris to fight! Hundreds of two-headed Hissi monsters to slay! Millions of ginormous sea monsters I didn't even know existed in the waters of Maraqua!!! Sloth Minions to challenge! Defeat those Meepits! Challenge that knight! Defend your keep! Bring your princess a sandwich! 'Too much meat! Not enough bread! WHERE IS MY ICE CREAM?!?!'

"UHG!!!!! It is TEARING ME APART!!! You think royalty for us males is easy? You think we just sit and look good for you fangirls? Think we tear out our hair so you can enshrine it in some frame in your bedroom?! Well, were you ever wrong! I have a princess, a lovely, gorgeous Flotsam, here in my underwater realm in her pink and gold palace, (which I had to hand-paint for her with my hooves to show my 'chivalrous princely side'!!!) whom I love dearly, but she can really be a pain in the back! Every other day it is 'bring some tea, the princess wants her tea' or 'would you be a dear and find me some flowers? I want to make a bouquet!' or 'Prince dear, oh Prince dear! Be a dear and smoosh the Spyder, would you?' I really wish she would use her own fins once in a while! A prince is stuck slaying demons and stopping rogue thieves and banishing anyone her highness thinks isn't 'WORTHY' of looking upon her.

"I sigh now as I say this. I may sound as if I am getting carried away, but a prince has no other choice in the matter but to do what his duties ask of him. My sword is sharpened to a fine point each night so I may be ready for the fight with the ever present villain who threatens to destroy everyone and everything in the morning. I have to get a good night's sleep (which is often impossible with all the reports I have to fill out for my people) so that I may be awake enough to order my armies out into battle (which I have to lead of course. You never see a princess on the battle field, after all!). My cape is constantly torn; my crown is dented in six places, SIX for Fyora's sake! My boots have been replaced at least a dozen times and I have sores in places I thought couldn't have sores in! It really is unfair!

"It is at times like this when you look at the great kings like Altador and Coltzan and you wonder to yourself why in NEOPIA would they ever have wanted to be royal? Did they have a choice in the matter and if you gave it to them, would they still have chosen to stay royal? I know I wouldn't. Fangirls are one thing, but when they glomp you and pulverise you into the sand as you walk down the coral street just to get a lock of your hair or to touch your fin, you know you have a problem!

"So, here is a list of things I, as a Royalboy Peophin think you of the lesser class should know about us so you can treat us a little better and cut us some slack!

"1) Royalboys fight the monsters. In other words, we fight a LOT. So please stop asking us to do petty jobs like signing autographs! It wears out the fins and paws and hooves we use to slay the creatures you hate!

"2) Royalboys serve the princess, THEN the kingdom. I know, it sounds horrible, but a prince's duty is to his lady before his kingdom. Sorry, fangirls, every prince is destined for one girl only, and they are usually of the same class.

"3) Royalboys often get major headaches. Fangirls=Headaches. Fighting too much=Headaches. Glompage=Headaches. Whining princesses=Headaches. Because when you have to squish a million buzzers and Spyders, it gets annoying.

"4) Royalboys (except for a rare few) HATE fangirls. Seriously, girls, I know you love us, but enshrining our hair? Bottling the air we breathe out? Stalking us for autographs? Staring at us until we stare back?! By Fyora, girls, that is so annoying!

"5) Royalboys enjoy peace and quiet. Let me put this in the best way possible: Princes are out almost all of the time. We fight, we talk with nobles, we debate things, we judge things we serve our highnesses. When we get alone time, (which is rare at that) we don't want a group of people, fans or fangirls swarming our privacy with inquiries, incessant blabber, and/or random glompages. We take walks if we can, but that is also a rare pleasure. So, when you find we have secluded ourselves inside a room or garden with a humongous padlock, that should be a clue as not to go inside.

"6) Royalboys have tempers. Oh yeah, we do; princesses do, and so do we. Theirs were bred from being pampered and stubborn, but ours are sheer raw nerves! With all that pressure, watch out, because we have been known to make lives miserable for fangirls who refuse to listen!

"I think that covers it. Now, the lovely reporter here may speak and ask me whatever she wants. I am just glad I got that out of my system. And if this does get into the NT, then I thank those who let it and graciously ask that all royal pets read this."


His speech took me deep into the crevices of thought and brought up many new questions, questions I hadn't thought to ask before hearing him but was dying to ask now. However, I found myself speechless. He had a point and it was this: Think carefully before painting your pet Royalboy. Because if you don't, you may never know what they would have to endure.

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