Faerie Quests: The Truth Told
We all know about our best friends the faeries, how they always ask for items and promise rewards for our troubles. Well, continue on, readers, for I shall now tell you the true story about these quests.
We all know that they ask for extremely odd items such as teddy bears and trading cards, but what do they really do with them? My sources have confided in me that the dark faeries do not perform dangerous experiments on the toys we give them, but instead later donate them to the Money Tree under various fake names. Really, Dark Faeries? Donating them? I understand everyone needs to keep their karma in check, but why not just let the other faeries worry about that?
Now then, the Earth and Water Faeries are the ones you need to worry about. The Water Faeries are apparently hungry for knowledge. I’m completely sure of that. Soon, they’ll know everything they need to know to take over Neopia. That last book you gave them? Yeah, well that could have been used as the final piece of knowledge they needed to begin the take over. Good job, you earn a gold star for helping them destroy life as we know it.
And the Earth Faeries. Magic Potions? Sure, I’ll help you make a potion to bring King Terask to life or to make a mind control spell. PUH-LEASE. If I wanted Neopia to end, I would do it myself. Just look into their beady little eyes and you will see the evil mastermind at work. Beware, never do any of their quests, for if they join sides with the meepits, it shall mean the end of us all. But that is for another article. Moving on.
The Fire Faeries need you to give them more clothes after they burn the ones they have. Ok, seems innocent enough, Fire Faeries burning clothes, nobody would suspect a thing. Unless their name is cloudy_7_7, in which case they will know that you have burned your clothes after getting angered at another failed attempt at the throne. We all know you want to take Fyora’s place, Fire Faeries. You aren’t fooling anyone anymore!
Now, onto the Air Faeries. Such vain little things, they could take the Dark Faerie Vanity’s place. They need to just relax and take in their inner beauty. But, of course, that isn’t how Neopia does things. Everyone has to be better than everyone else and the air faeries are not an exception. They want to be the best, like no one ever was. All you are doing is helping cause the great Beauty War where many ugly Neopets shall come crying home after the Air Faeries act snobbishly towards them. Look at the mayhem beauty causes. Is this what you really want? But sadly, I can't offer any facts that would suggest they want a massive take over because I asked an air faerie and she replied, "Like, I totally wouldn't have enough time to, like, straighten my hair every morning and, like, all the uglies would be complaining and, like, stuff. Totally not cool, so Fyora can, like, keep that job. Totally."
And onto the Light Faeries. Well, I wish I could show you my rock solid facts that discredit them, but they are pretty much just the harmless nerds of the six elements. They collect trading cards and you supply them with that last card that they need to trade so they can finally get the uber-mega-awesome-holographic card they have always wanted. And they will give you a level for the card. And it is almost worth it, unless they ask you to find the holographic card they have always wanted. Then, it would be advisable to just allow them to be mad at you for not helping them get the final 1,098th card they needed.
Now, ‘tis time for the lazy bum on the couch herself, Queen Fyora! She sends you on quests for a lot of mysterious things. A Flotsam Bath Toy? Why? But I guess she is the Queen; she knows what she is doing. But isn’t she very powerful? I mean, seriously, she is the QUEEN of faeries. Shouldn’t she be able to just wave her wand and have the item she needs appear right in front of her? But no, she sends you, most likely a poor Neopian just trying to get by, to get her this overrated item because she can’t even wave her arm for three seconds. She doesn’t deserve it and has enough money to buy it herself. Which brings me to another point, but it will wait for after this next one.
The Fountain Faerie, how we all hope to get a quest from her. Some people are granted many, while several have gone five years without one sighting. And while you continue to hope, have you ever wondered what was really in the Rainbow Fountain? Well, thanks to my team of sleuths, it turns out that it is not a never ending fountain of paint, but really an underfountain lab ray that constantly shoots into the pool of water. Since she neglects the Scientist’s warnings and allows it to be on twenty four hours of the day, the ‘fountain’ can only paint your pet certain colors. Shame on you, Fountain Faerie!
Now, for quite possibly the most talked about part of the Faerie Quests. The purchasing of the items. Many people have voiced a question that has caused me many sleepless nights. Why don’t they buy it themselves? Well, after a week of research, it turns out that they are indeed universally banned from every shop in existence. I then found myself wondering why. Why are they banned? Why forever? Why do I ask so many questions? I tracked down the Tiki Man at his shop and asked him these perplexing questions.
After a while, he openly told me that they were banned because of the great power struggle in Year 2 in the month of Hunting. He told me that each element had attempted to gain control of Neopia and had taken the shops out of the shopkeepers' control. The shopkeepers rebelled and shortly after the attempted dominance of Neopia ended, the faeries were forever banned from shopping anywhere. As for my third question, he refused to answer and threatened me with the Witch Doctor.
So it seems that all of these Faeries have something to hide (except for the light faeries and Fyora; she’s just lazy and they're nerdy) and I have told you all I can to prepare you for their invasion and enslavement of everyone. Now, my pet Spike would like to say something.
Spike: Hello, everyone. This article contains minimal to no truth at all and should only be taken lightly. And yes, he purposely ‘forgot’ to mention the Space Faerie because she threatened to blast him into oblivion if he said anything about her. I hope you enjoyed my owner’s crazy rants about the end of the world and meepits, but now I have to go get his restraints, so goodbye and have a great evening.
Me: He’s a riot, isn’t he? *watches as Spike pulls out duct tape* *runs* You won't take me alive!