Stand behind yer sheriff Circulation: 175,178,655 Issue: 371 | 12th day of Celebrating, Y10
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series
 

In Other News: A New Newsflash


by yippo_yippee

--------

Welcome! My name is Expulsed and I know, being a Darigan Gelert, I don’t look good in a tux, but it doesn’t really matter because you can’t see me. Anyway, my owner found it necessary for me to “host” this news page to inform you ignorant Neopians about the lurking dangers beneath Neopia’s water and earth façade... I mean, news issues that you are unaware of. Onwards and out!

Recently, King Roo has been vehemently denying claims about a “mysterious sixth die” in his famous Dice-A-Roo game. It appears that one of his employees who does not see himself well as a bingo ball “leaked” the secret during a Neopian’s game. This controversial leak soon swept through Neopia, bringing swarms of curious Dice-A-Roo players to the King’s Court, demanding the truth. The aforementioned employee was fired and a new one sent to take his place within minutes of his being sacked. Apparently, Roo Island is experiencing a boost in population.

In other news, Qasala and Sakhmet are currently holding an unofficial grudge against one another. Sakhmet claims that Qasala has stolen an exact percentage equating to 0.0037% of their native sand after interrogations of a departing Qasala tourist of the city claimed that the tourist had 6 grains of pure Sakhmet sand in his pocket. Qasala rebuked them, saying that it was “easy to trap sand within the folds of Desert attire” but Sakhmet’s leading Anti-Sand-Thief Commissioner stated that “shaking out clothing before crossing borders is not a hard task and that all who fail to do so should be eaten by the Snowager”. Neither party has seen the tourist since the interrogation.

Alarming research has indicated that rather than resting 589.6392 metres above Neopia, Darigan Citadel is now resting at 589.6393 metres, causing scientists to rush into a frenzied attempt to measure the citadel’s size for further information. A rather disturbing rumor has arisen, questioning Darigan Citadel’s role in world domination and the fates of all Neopians. To this rumor, Dr. Bigglesworth, researcher at the DC-Height-Monitor, provided: “There is no concrete information, but there is a small chance that Darigan Citadel will float from Neopia’s radius and collide with Virtupets, causing a big bang capable of wiping out the whole of Neopia”. All citizens have been warned not to buy expensive brushes as, if the world does explode, it will all be for nothing.

Neocola’s owner, Dr. Sloth, has accused Achyfi’s owner, Achyfi, of selling his products in Sloth’s Neocola machines. The big green man claims that rather than neocola cans coming out from the machine, strangely fruity cans of Achyfi have been seen spewing out. This latest news calls for quite an interesting debate, with the finger of blame once again pointing at Sloth as the one chorused question fills the minds of all Neopians: Since when did Neocola cans come out to begin with?

New statistics have announced Neopia’s increasing failure rate, namely that of the Lever of Doom. With the continuous growth of Neopia’s economy, it was believed that failure rates should increase by a minimum of 25% to cater for those irritable Neopians who succeed too much. A new law which is being passed through the MEEP Committee, states that all Neopians should lose at least 45.1% of their wealth before they ever achieve a single goal. This measure is being taken to lessen inflation rates as well as provide funds for the Soup Faerie who, after this law takes place, should be feeling more than a little busy.

Now over to Drabolius for the sports report.

***

Yes, thank you, Expulsed.

This morning, a rather insane Altador Cup fan was spotted at the Altador Cup Stadium; cheering for a team he called “Jelly World”. Famous team sports psychologist, Dr. Briam Cheeseloaf, has likened this occurrence to the ever popular rumor of a world made entirely of jelly. “I believe that the mental instability of these fanatics is caused by the overuse of a poorly tasted pun,” he explains. “It is not uncommon for fanatics to feel deluded. Worlds made of jelly are not in existence.” When authorities attempted to restrain the rabid fanatic, he escaped with a few extra slushies and a Darigan Citadel jersey. If you spot this mentally unstable, insomnia affected Techo, please make haste and call DoN on – oh, wait. Telephones don’t exist.

The Poogle Racing Industry is currently under review by the Poogle-Racing-Bench-Markers after Poogle One, one of the favorites, complained about the hazardous height of the jump fences. He claimed that “being a Poogle, my ability to jump over hurdles is somewhat disadvantaged by the standards and nature of the game”. Fellow racer Poogle Two rebuffed the review, saying, “What? Do I look like a Scorchio?” Poogle Two had lodged a complaint to the PRBM twenty years ago but was denied. It was believed that the motive behind this attack is vengeance.

Now onto Sabre for the weather.

***

Thanks very much, Drab.

Days in Neopia Central are usually dull so there’s no surprise in the absolute dullness of weather in Neopia Central. At one point, when the sun decided to disappear, a Halloween Cybunny was seen springing from what appeared to be a cardboard box and attacked a passer-by. The DoN are urging any Neopians with blood in their veins to steer clear of the main marketplace where the Cybunny was spotted.

There was a surprising change in weather for Sakhmet. For the first time in 982 years, Sakhmet’s temperature has dropped to an all-time low of 30 degrees, sending residents scurrying for fur coats and cups of steaming borovan. The shift is blamed on Qasala. The two neighboring cities are currently in the midst of a grudge and Qasala deemed it necessary to prevent sunlight from reaching Sakhmet as a punishment.

That’s all in weather for this issue, Expulsed.

***

Thank you, Sabre. That’s all for now. I’m Expulsed, signing off from In Other News. Until we meet again, farewell.

 
Search the Neopian Times




Great stories!


---------

The Kacheek Siblings- Meepit Hate
You don't like Meepits!?

by adorable_chao_10

---------

My Name is Lekida
But then Mrs Harvey came up to me and asked why I wasn't writing anything, and I said I didn't have an owner to write to. And she said I must have an owner...

by paperhippo

---------

Unis Don't Dig Holes
The assumption about Unis is that they hate getting dirty. I, on the other hand, love making a mess.

by blackghoulmon

---------

How to Be A Successful Guild Leader
Every great guild had to start with only one member.

by muffinhead777



Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.