Mysteries of Neopia Revealed
ARGETL [in exaggerated stage whisper]: Is that thing recording?
NEON (neon_silvertail, belonging to dragon_feather_591) [holding the camera]: *mumbles*
ARGETL [in even louder exaggerated whisper]: What?
CHLANGA [shouting]: IT'S ON!
ARGETL [in normal voice]: Oh. Well, you don't have to shout. I'm not deaf.
JASMINE (jasminejasmine311): *mutters something*
JASMINE [exasperated]: Nothing, let's start.
ARGETL: Alright, welcome to: Neopian Mysteries Revealed.
JASMINE: If not solved.
ARGETL [ignoring Jasmine]: I'm Argetl, the producer and the--
JASMINE: Raving lunatic.
ARGETL: Yes, and the raving... Hey! I'm not raving!
KALLIOX: So you are a lunatic?
CHLANGA [sighs]: Anyway, let's skip the introductions.
JASMINE: No, we have to do the introductions! I'm Jasmine, the future star of Neopia! So you'd better record this well, Neon!
ARGETL: And these are Kalliox the Ultimate Genius and Chlanga the Voice of Reason.
KALLIOX: *is reading a book*
CHLANGA: So true... so true.
JASMINE: Why don't I get to be the Voice of Reason?
CHLANGA: 'Cause you want to be the "future star of Neopia." I wonder how many eons that "future" is supposed to be...
JASMINE [chases Chlanga offscreen]: How dare you!
[Various shouts and crashes come from offscreen. Argetl begins to play Turmac Roll.]
ARGETL [finishing Turmac Roll]: Ah, drat. Anyway, question #1: Why is Geraptiku abandoned?
JASMINE [runs onscreen and sits down]: The Fashion Police, of course!
ARGETL [as Chlanga sits down]: The Fashion Police...?
JASMINE: Of course! You think they'd let people run around with skulls on their heads? *shudders* They've been around a lot longer than you think...
CHLANGA: ... let's move on to question #2: Does Jelly World exist?
ARGETL: Ah, Jelly World. Of course, it...
[Screen goes blank. Static. A few minutes later connection is restored.]
ARGETL [looking a little messier than usual]: Well. That was an educational experience.
NEON: *mumbles agreement*
KALLIOX [now without book]: Question #3: What is the Neopian Times?
CHLANGA: Wait. How is anybody who doesn't know what the NT is going to see this answer?
JASMINE: Oh, I see what you mean... and how is that a mystery?
KALLIOX: Hey, I didn't write the questions.
JASMINE: Who did?
[Kalliox, Jasmine, and Chlanga stare at Argetl.]
ARGETL [smiling sheepishly]: Next question.
CHLANGA: Question #4: How did the Ice Caves come to be?
ARGETL: Oh, that one's easy. A giant mutant Bori dug them out.
CHLANGA: A giant mutant Bor... ?
ARGETL: Well, how else would they get there?
ARGETL: Don't be ridiculous.
JASMINE: Sure. He's being ridiculous.
CHLANGA: On to the next question. #5: How was the giant Omelette created?
JASMINE: A giant Pteri... ?
CHLANGA: Yeah, that's my answer.
ARGETL [looks at others]: Sounds good to me.
KALLIOX [pulls out book and flips through it]: I don't know... can I go to Tyrannia to research that question?
ARGETL: Have we got a second camera?
NEON: *affirmative mumble*
CHLANGA: Yeah, but who'll film it?
ARGETL: I've got an idea...
[Next image shown is of Kalliox wandering around the giant Omelette.]
KALLIOX: Well. I've tested the Omelette, and I don't think it's Pteri... besides, that would be cannibalism. It might be one of those giant monster pterodactyl things, but I'd have to take a DNA sample from one to be sure.
NEON: *mumble of agreement*
KALLIOX: Another thing: it's not really hot enough here to bake the Omelette like that...
SKEITH BYSTANDER: Who cares, it's free food! Get out of the way if you're done!
[View switches back to studio. Chlanga and Jasmine are onscreen; camera is shaky.]
JASMINE [combing her tail]: So, do you think we'll make it onto Neovision? I could be a star!
ARGETL [holding camera]: I don't think so...
JASMINE: Why in Neopia not?
CHLANGA: Who would want to watch a video with you in it?
JASMINE: *throws comb at Chlanga*
CHLANGA [begins to comb her fur]: Ah, thanks, I need that.
ARGETL: What's our next question, anyway?
CHLANGA: I don't know; you wrote them!
ARGETL: Do you want me to look at my paper, or do you want me to hold the camera?
CHLANGA/JASMINE [speaking as one]: Hold the camera!
ARGETL: That's what I thought. So somebody look at my paper.
CHLANGA [leaning over and looking at something on the table]: ... I can't read your handwriting.
JASMINE: Let me see... ah, it says "Why won't Argetl put this video on Neovision?"
ARGETL: It does not! Here, let me see that thing!
[Camera view moves forward, looks down and goes black.]
JASMINE/CHLANGA [yelling]: HOLD THE CAMERA!
[Camera comes back on and backs up.]
ARGETL [laughing sheepishly]: Ah, sorry...
[View switches back to Kalliox, who is trying and failing to climb the cliff below the Lair of the Beast.]
KALLIOX: A monster pterodactyl is rumored to live here; I need a DNA sample to confirm my theory that the giant Omelette is a pterodactyl egg. I just have to get... up... this... cliff! *tries again to climb cliff*
KALLIOX: What? A staircase? ... my hands are bleeding from trying to climb this cliff. That's just great. Purely out of curiosity, Neon, why didn't you tell me earlier?
NEON: *mumbles sheepishly*
KALLIOX: ... you didn't want to interrupt me. Alright. That's just great, Neon. Next time, go ahead and interrupt me.
NEON: *apologetic mumbling*
KALLIOX: It's alright... let's go find that staircase.
[There is a view of Kalliox's back as Neon follows Kalliox around. Finally, Kalliox turns to the camera.]
KALLIOX: Uh, Neon... ? How about you lead, since you know where we're going?
[Now the view is of a Tyrannian path... and finally Neon and Kalliox come upon a rickety, crowded staircase leading up the side of the cliff.]
KALLIOX [offscreen, slightly scared]: I think I just might go with the girls' idea of a giant Pteri...
NEON: *mumbles of encouragement*
KALLIOX: You're right! I'm not going to let it scare me! ... You go first.
[Camera goes switches back to studio. Jasmine, Argetl, and Chlanga are playing poker; the camera is on a tripod.]
ARGETL: I wonder what's taking Kalliox so long. Maybe I should have gone with him.
CHLANGA: Nah, we needed you here to film us. You did an excellent job.
JASMINE [muttering]: Except when you put down the camera...
ARGETL: I said I was sorry...
CHLANGA: I win this hand.
ARGETL: For someone who doesn't gamble, you've beaten me every hand. I sure am glad we're not playing with Neopoints.
CHLANGA [blushing]: *mumbles something about natural skill and a previous owner who liked Neopoker*
ARGETL: All I can say is, can we team up?
[Camera switches back to Kalliox. Now he's in a dark, creepy cave.]
KALLIOX [brushing aside cobwebs]: Well, this is scary... but how would the cobwebs have formed if anything big had come through here?
NEON: *mumble of agreement*
KALLIOX: Unless there were some of those mutant Spyders I read about... you don't think there are mutant Spyders, do you?
NEON: *mumble of disagreement*
KALLIOX: Oh, phew... I was afraid I might have just stepped on one.
[Kalliox continues into the cave. Camera follows him.]
KALLIOX: Is it just me, or does that tunnel look like a mouth? And do you hear breathing?
NEON: *negative mumbling*
KALLIOX: Alright then... here goes.
[A giant monster pterodactyl jumps out at Kalliox... Kalliox jumps back, camera jumps back, there is a crash and screen goes blank. Static. A few minutes later, we go back to the studio camera. Kalliox, Argetl, Chlanga, and Jasmine are onscreen.]
KALLIOX [looking rather disheveled]: And so that's how I discovered that the giant Omelette is a monster pterodactyl egg.
JASMINE [eating omelette]: Somehow, I don't really want this anymore.
CHLANGA: I guess that's why the pterodactyl in the Lair of the Beast is so grumpy... its eggs are getting eaten.
JASMINE: Hey, does that mean the Beast is a girl?
ARGETL: Well. Question #6...
[Groans from the others.]
ARGETL: How many licks does it take to get to the gummy worm center of a Gummy Worm Lollypop?
KALLIOX [pulls out enormous book, suddenly looking much cleaner]: Well, if one lick removes .0000008 centimeters of the lollypop, and a lollypop is 5 centimeters thick, then...
CHLANGA: The world may never know!
[Girls stare fixedly at camera while Kalliox rambles and draws complicated equations on a blackboard.]
CHLANGA [stage whisper]: Neon, that was your cue. Turn the camera off.
[Screen goes black.]
JASMINE: Dude, ever heard of a calculator?