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Mysteries of Neopia Revealed

by argetl


ARGETL [in exaggerated stage whisper]: Is that thing recording?

NEON (neon_silvertail, belonging to dragon_feather_591) [holding the camera]: *mumbles*

ARGETL [in even louder exaggerated whisper]: What?

CHLANGA [shouting]: IT'S ON!

ARGETL [in normal voice]: Oh. Well, you don't have to shout. I'm not deaf.

JASMINE (jasminejasmine311): *mutters something*


JASMINE [exasperated]: Nothing, let's start.

ARGETL: Alright, welcome to: Neopian Mysteries Revealed.

JASMINE: If not solved.

ARGETL [ignoring Jasmine]: I'm Argetl, the producer and the--

JASMINE: Raving lunatic.

ARGETL: Yes, and the raving... Hey! I'm not raving!

KALLIOX: So you are a lunatic?

CHLANGA [sighs]: Anyway, let's skip the introductions.

JASMINE: No, we have to do the introductions! I'm Jasmine, the future star of Neopia! So you'd better record this well, Neon!

NEON: *mumbling*

ARGETL: And these are Kalliox the Ultimate Genius and Chlanga the Voice of Reason.

KALLIOX: *is reading a book*

CHLANGA: So true... so true.

JASMINE: Why don't I get to be the Voice of Reason?

CHLANGA: 'Cause you want to be the "future star of Neopia." I wonder how many eons that "future" is supposed to be...

JASMINE [chases Chlanga offscreen]: How dare you!

[Various shouts and crashes come from offscreen. Argetl begins to play Turmac Roll.]

ARGETL [finishing Turmac Roll]: Ah, drat. Anyway, question #1: Why is Geraptiku abandoned?

JASMINE [runs onscreen and sits down]: The Fashion Police, of course!

ARGETL [as Chlanga sits down]: The Fashion Police...?

JASMINE: Of course! You think they'd let people run around with skulls on their heads? *shudders* They've been around a lot longer than you think...

CHLANGA: ... let's move on to question #2: Does Jelly World exist?

ARGETL: Ah, Jelly World. Of course, it...

[Screen goes blank. Static. A few minutes later connection is restored.]

ARGETL [looking a little messier than usual]: Well. That was an educational experience.

NEON: *mumbles agreement*

KALLIOX [now without book]: Question #3: What is the Neopian Times?

CHLANGA: Wait. How is anybody who doesn't know what the NT is going to see this answer?

JASMINE: Oh, I see what you mean... and how is that a mystery?

KALLIOX: Hey, I didn't write the questions.

JASMINE: Who did?

[Kalliox, Jasmine, and Chlanga stare at Argetl.]

ARGETL [smiling sheepishly]: Next question.

CHLANGA: Question #4: How did the Ice Caves come to be?

ARGETL: Oh, that one's easy. A giant mutant Bori dug them out.

CHLANGA: A giant mutant Bor... ?

ARGETL: Well, how else would they get there?

KALLIOX: Erosion?

ARGETL: Don't be ridiculous.

JASMINE: Sure. He's being ridiculous.

CHLANGA: On to the next question. #5: How was the giant Omelette created?

JASMINE: A giant Pteri... ?

CHLANGA: Yeah, that's my answer.

ARGETL [looks at others]: Sounds good to me.

KALLIOX [pulls out book and flips through it]: I don't know... can I go to Tyrannia to research that question?

ARGETL: Have we got a second camera?

NEON: *affirmative mumble*

CHLANGA: Yeah, but who'll film it?

ARGETL: I've got an idea...


[Next image shown is of Kalliox wandering around the giant Omelette.]

KALLIOX: Well. I've tested the Omelette, and I don't think it's Pteri... besides, that would be cannibalism. It might be one of those giant monster pterodactyl things, but I'd have to take a DNA sample from one to be sure.

NEON: *mumble of agreement*

KALLIOX: Another thing: it's not really hot enough here to bake the Omelette like that...

SKEITH BYSTANDER: Who cares, it's free food! Get out of the way if you're done!


[View switches back to studio. Chlanga and Jasmine are onscreen; camera is shaky.]

JASMINE [combing her tail]: So, do you think we'll make it onto Neovision? I could be a star!

ARGETL [holding camera]: I don't think so...

JASMINE: Why in Neopia not?

CHLANGA: Who would want to watch a video with you in it?

JASMINE: *throws comb at Chlanga*

CHLANGA [begins to comb her fur]: Ah, thanks, I need that.

ARGETL: What's our next question, anyway?

CHLANGA: I don't know; you wrote them!

ARGETL: Do you want me to look at my paper, or do you want me to hold the camera?

CHLANGA/JASMINE [speaking as one]: Hold the camera!

ARGETL: That's what I thought. So somebody look at my paper.

CHLANGA [leaning over and looking at something on the table]: ... I can't read your handwriting.

JASMINE: Let me see... ah, it says "Why won't Argetl put this video on Neovision?"

ARGETL: It does not! Here, let me see that thing!

[Camera view moves forward, looks down and goes black.]


[Camera comes back on and backs up.]

ARGETL [laughing sheepishly]: Ah, sorry...


[View switches back to Kalliox, who is trying and failing to climb the cliff below the Lair of the Beast.]

KALLIOX: A monster pterodactyl is rumored to live here; I need a DNA sample to confirm my theory that the giant Omelette is a pterodactyl egg. I just have to get... up... this... cliff! *tries again to climb cliff*

NEON: *mumbles*

KALLIOX: What? A staircase? ... my hands are bleeding from trying to climb this cliff. That's just great. Purely out of curiosity, Neon, why didn't you tell me earlier?

NEON: *mumbles sheepishly*

KALLIOX: ... you didn't want to interrupt me. Alright. That's just great, Neon. Next time, go ahead and interrupt me.

NEON: *apologetic mumbling*

KALLIOX: It's alright... let's go find that staircase.

[There is a view of Kalliox's back as Neon follows Kalliox around. Finally, Kalliox turns to the camera.]

KALLIOX: Uh, Neon... ? How about you lead, since you know where we're going?

NEON: *mumble*

[Now the view is of a Tyrannian path... and finally Neon and Kalliox come upon a rickety, crowded staircase leading up the side of the cliff.]

KALLIOX [offscreen, slightly scared]: I think I just might go with the girls' idea of a giant Pteri...

NEON: *mumbles of encouragement*

KALLIOX: You're right! I'm not going to let it scare me! ... You go first.


[Camera goes switches back to studio. Jasmine, Argetl, and Chlanga are playing poker; the camera is on a tripod.]

ARGETL: I wonder what's taking Kalliox so long. Maybe I should have gone with him.

CHLANGA: Nah, we needed you here to film us. You did an excellent job.

JASMINE [muttering]: Except when you put down the camera...

ARGETL: I said I was sorry...

CHLANGA: I win this hand.

ARGETL: For someone who doesn't gamble, you've beaten me every hand. I sure am glad we're not playing with Neopoints.

CHLANGA [blushing]: *mumbles something about natural skill and a previous owner who liked Neopoker*

ARGETL: All I can say is, can we team up?


[Camera switches back to Kalliox. Now he's in a dark, creepy cave.]

KALLIOX [brushing aside cobwebs]: Well, this is scary... but how would the cobwebs have formed if anything big had come through here?

NEON: *mumble of agreement*

KALLIOX: Unless there were some of those mutant Spyders I read about... you don't think there are mutant Spyders, do you?

NEON: *mumble of disagreement*

KALLIOX: Oh, phew... I was afraid I might have just stepped on one.

[Kalliox continues into the cave. Camera follows him.]

KALLIOX: Is it just me, or does that tunnel look like a mouth? And do you hear breathing?

NEON: *negative mumbling*

KALLIOX: Alright then... here goes.

[A giant monster pterodactyl jumps out at Kalliox... Kalliox jumps back, camera jumps back, there is a crash and screen goes blank. Static. A few minutes later, we go back to the studio camera. Kalliox, Argetl, Chlanga, and Jasmine are onscreen.]

KALLIOX [looking rather disheveled]: And so that's how I discovered that the giant Omelette is a monster pterodactyl egg.

JASMINE [eating omelette]: Somehow, I don't really want this anymore.

CHLANGA: I guess that's why the pterodactyl in the Lair of the Beast is so grumpy... its eggs are getting eaten.

JASMINE: Hey, does that mean the Beast is a girl?


ARGETL: Well. Question #6...

[Groans from the others.]

ARGETL: How many licks does it take to get to the gummy worm center of a Gummy Worm Lollypop?

KALLIOX [pulls out enormous book, suddenly looking much cleaner]: Well, if one lick removes .0000008 centimeters of the lollypop, and a lollypop is 5 centimeters thick, then...

CHLANGA: The world may never know!

[Girls stare fixedly at camera while Kalliox rambles and draws complicated equations on a blackboard.]

CHLANGA [stage whisper]: Neon, that was your cue. Turn the camera off.

NEON: *mumbling*

[Screen goes black.]

JASMINE: Dude, ever heard of a calculator?

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