From One Janitor To Another: A Guide To Janitor-ing

"Dirt."

A very angry-looking orange Yurble has been reading over my shoulder. He, of course, is the noble fellow who takes care of the Hall Of Heroes, cleaning it and maintaining it so that it's always in tip-top shape.

"You got that right. I know everything there is to know about bein' a janitor. It's not a fun job; heck, it doesn't even pay that well, but it's a great job," he says, still reading over my shoulder. The Yurble pauses for a moment; his hard look softens for a moment- but not very long. "And don't you think that just ANYBODY can be a janitor. It takes skill, practice, and determination. As a matter of fact, where do you come off writing this article about how to be a janitor? You don't even look like you've gotten your hands dirty once in your cushy life."

"Now wait a minute, I-" I interject.

"Know nothing about being a janitor!"

"Well, fine! If you're the expert on cleaning and repairing, and... and... janitor-ing, then why don't you write this article!" I give in. The janitor smirks in a way that it's obvious he's very pleased.

"I'd be happy to share my expanse of knowledge to all of the Neopian Times readers," the hoity-toity Yurble says. He's relishing in the fact that indeed, I don't know that much about being a janitor. "That is, if you'd like my valuable insight."

"...I'd like your valuable insight..." I grumble.

"Of course you would! Now, the first thing about being a janitor is you've gotta have the right supplies..." he begins. I take out my notepad and begin to write down things I could use for my article, but the janitor isn't having any of that. "HEY! What are you doing? I'll write my OWN article." Snatching my pen and paper, he begins to write his article.

How To Be A Great Janitor by The Angry Janitor

Being a janitor isn't easy- it takes lots of skill and knowledge. Fortunately, for all of you aspiring to hold this proud position, I'm willing to share with you the wisdom I've acquired over the years I've spent as the foreman at the Altador Hall Of Heroes. I know, it's an honor to have me teaching you, but I am more generous than I seem. Teaching is something that does my heart well. So, here are four extremely important things to know if you want to be a diligent, stately custodial-worker.

Choosing The Right Supplies: Your Sword And Shield

Every janitor worth his salt knows that the first thing you need in becoming a successful cleaning-mogul is proper equipment. If you're just starting out, I'd advise you to invest some neopoints in a solid mop and bucket. They are the most important tools a janitor will ever use; they will become your right and left hands, your advisors, your best friends. So choose wisely when selecting a mop and bucket that will last and most importantly, get the job done. Keep in mind that it's more important to have a good mop and bucket than a pretty one. Being a janitor isn't pretty- it's a lot of down-and-dirty work. However, when the day's done, it will all be worth it.

So after you invest in your primary cleaning machines, you're going to need to decide which brand of soap you're going to be working with. Nowadays, there are hundreds of state-of-the-art soap brands on the market, claiming to do this and that with their fancy lemon and pine scents. Me, on the other hand, I've found that you can't do wrong with just run-of-the-mill soap. Seriously. With plain soap, you'll be able to mop up dirt left by those inconsiderate petpets, clean out those grubby toilet stalls, and wipe down the windows after some Lupe leaves his paw prints on them peering into the hall. It's multi-functional, and sometimes I even can even find soap that's classic grape-scented! Mmm! Don't stress out over soap, just go with the classics. It's also a lot more cost-efficient than buying soap for every which surface. Toilet-soap, window-soap, counter-soap, floor-soap, blah, blah, blah. They might be tempting to buy with their "kills-99.9%-of-germs" guarantee, but just remember that basic is better.

Honing Your Skills: Taking The Initiative

None of the famous janitors you know today started out as a custodial god. They all started, a lot like you, with a dream. A dream of being a cleaning, fixing, hero. I would know, because as hard as it may be to believe, I was once a snot-nosed kid with a goal of becoming the best janitor there ever was; now look at me! Anybody who is willing to work hard enough and dedicate their time to their love of custodial work can become a great janitor. After you've invested in your first supplies, you're ready to show the world you're serious about achieving your goals. You're now ready to start practicing. This next section is dedicated to showing you that you too can take the first steps into the world of janitors, and how to take control of your true abilities.

There are two main parts in a janitor's work: cleaning and maintenance. Cleaning means making sure everything is spotless, gleaming, and as it should be. Maintenance means repairs, garbage collection, and other miscellaneous duties that janitors often must face. For example, dealing with annoying Neopets who push buttons that don't do anything after you've ALREADY told them it doesn't do anything... but I digress. The best janitors can do both with quickly and efficiently. Doing your job well and fast is very important because a janitor's to-do list is usually very long, and your employer expects your best on each and every one of them. You can't tackle any job halfway- you've got to give it your all. Dedication and determination, kiddies, remember the two Ds. When it comes to being a janitor, always remember the two Ds and they'll never steer you awry.

Cleaning is one of the janitor's main duties. Some cleaning-jobs you'll encounter are: mopping the floors, dusting and polishing, washing the windows, making sure the bathrooms are immaculate, and basically keeping everything spotless. Cleaning isn't usually much fun, but the satisfaction of doing hard work is usually enough to get you through the day. Of course, that's not to say you can't make cleaning fun! Humming your favorite tune, or dancing when there's no one around can usually liven things up. However, before you get your first custodial job, you'll need to make sure your cleaning skills are perfect. With custodial work, I firmly believe that practicing makes perfect. Take every chance you can to tidy up- you'll show everyone how serious you are about being a janitor! After practicing enough on your own and becoming confident with your skills, offer free help to a neighbor or friend- then get their feedback! It'll give you a real-world insight on what you need to improve on, or what you're doing well. The most important thing, though, is to never get discouraged. Remember that every little thing is bringing you one step closer to becoming the best janitor there ever was! (Well, the second best janitor there ever was.)

The other part of a janitor's work is maintenance, which includes making repairs, doing dirty jobs, and doing other duties that need to get done. You'll need to fix leaky sinks, collect trash, water flowers, unclog toilets, and change light bulbs. They're just the things that need to be done in order to keep a facility running like clockwork. Repairs and other maintenance jobs need to be done as quickly as possible. Usually maintenance jobs are higher priority than cleaning jobs, so if you see any on your to-do list, be sure to take care of those first. Like cleaning, however, the quality of maintenance work will improve as you take on more jobs. Take the initiative to do dirty jobs around the house; volunteer to take out the trash or mow the lawn. Put up an ad in the Neopian Times announcing you're willing to make small household repairs for a fee. You'll make a little money while seeing what kind of real-world jobs you might be faced with as a janitor. Once again, don't let failed jobs bring you down- all great janitors, even me, had to start somewhere.

On The Job: Your First Custodial Position

After you've practiced and polished your skills to perfection, you're now ready to get out there and get your first custodial position! Congratulations on making it this far! Many Neopets who don't have what it takes have lost hope long before, but you're one of the best, and you have the makings of a true janitorial champion. Luckily, many facilities are squabbling for a good custodian, so finding your first job shouldn't be too hard- scan the Neopian Times and search the market place for places that need a janitor. Hopefully, with no more than a week's worth of looking you'll find an ideal starting position where you'll truly put your skills to the test.

On your first day, knowing how to interface with others is very important. After all, your first impression is the one that lasts. Treat your employer and other workers with respect- but you're the janitor, so if they hassle you be sure to firmly show them who's boss. With dignity and pride, of course. After all, you didn't work so hard just to get here and be pestered by those who don't truly know the value of hard work! Take the time to get to know the place you'll be working; you'll need to know it inside out and backwards since you'll be the one keeping it up and running. If you're working in a larger building, meet your fellow janitors and familiarize yourself with their duties. It'll be important to know what's already being taken care of. Also ask where the supply closet(s) are located. Be sure to confirm that you'll be able to use some of your own supplies too; don't trust the mop and bucket they already have. It was probably cheaply bought by someone who doesn't have as much expertise as you do. After doing all this, get your day's to-do list and get working- you didn't come just to take a tour of the building, you came to get the job done. This shows you have true work ethic.

When you get home from your first long day, pat yourself on the back; you've done it! You've survived the first of many days of noble janitorial worker. Try to eat a warm meal and get a good night's rest, no matter how hard it may be; I know you're probably very excited. Look forward to your next day of work with bright enthusiasm, being a janitor is a great privilege. However, with the privilege comes many great responsibilities, but you are capable of handling them. Anybody who can do that is okay in my book!

Staying Focused: Dealing With Annoying Neopets

Sometimes a janitor is faced with a challenge they aren't prepared for- annoying Neopets. You might know the type. The pets that are bratty, snobby, and generally make a big mess for you. Even though cleaning up the messes of others is your job, you shouldn't have to take this abuse! You are a custodial champion; nobody can mess with that! But have no fear; even the best janitors have to deal with the occasional annoyance of idiotic Neopets. And I've learned a few tricks over the years to deal with it.

If a Neopet tries to bother you while on the job, it's usually best to simply say in a firm voice, "I am a professional custodial worker, please do not bother me. I have important duties to perform." Sometimes, that won't be enough. If you need to, there's nothing wrong with firmly telling an annoying Neopet to get lost. You have work to do, after all! And you tried being nice! Every now and then, there will be one really bratty Neopet who thinks they're supreme royalty who will try to get into a full-blown squabble with you. If this ever happens to you, just let them have it! They had it coming! Besides, once they know you're not playing around, they'll most likely sulk off and leave you to your work. Of course, this has backfired on me once, giving me the untrue reputation as "The Angry Janitor" which, as you know is completely false. I mean, I'm a warm-hearted, good-natured Yurble! And if anyone tells you otherwise, tell them they can- but I digress. Just know that squabbles with annoying Neopets aren't usually worth your time, just get rid of them as soon as you can and get back to more important things.

So now you know nearly everything a good janitor needs to know before embarking on a wonderful journey of custodial work. If you remember all the things I've taught you and mix it with some dedication and determination, you'll be well on your way to success. Good luck and happy cleaning!

***

The angry Yurble puts down the pen after a long while of furious writing, pauses to look up wistfully, and mumbles of, "...not angry..." and "...grape-scented soap..." He looks very pleased with himself as he hands me his completed article.

"There! That's everything one needs to know to become a good janitor," he announces proudly.

"Finally! It took you long enough," I say as I begin to scan the article, but before I can begin the first paragraph, the angry janitor snatches it out of my hands.

"HEY! This article is for aspiring-janitors ONLY," he spits. "The polite thing to do would be to thank me for my time. After all, janitors have busy schedules."

"Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to help with my article," I say mockingly.

"You're welcome." The Yurble gets up and makes for the door. "I've got to get back to the hall. The floors won't mop themselves, you know!"

He turns the doorknob before remembering he has one last thing to say. "Oh yeah, can I trust you not to read the article or do I have to submit it myself?"

"I'll submit it," I grumble, taking the article before he can snatch if up.

"Okay. Well, goodbye," he says before departing. He closes the door before I can muster up a weak wave.

True to my word, I didn't read the advice of the angry janitor. I don't know what he wrote, and there's a good chance it was nonsensical blabbering that will have the Neopian Times admissions office laughing at me, but I have utmost faith that what he wrote will help aspiring-janitors for years to come.