How To Be a Fairly Decent Evil Villain

Let’s start with the basic question: Are you evil? Well, if you are not evil, then how can you be an evil villain? You might as well be a superhero *shudders*. Let’s begin with the quiz.

Question one: You see a Meowclops stuck in a tree! What do you do?

A. Act at once to save the little Meowclops.

B. Notify the Defenders of Neopia or the Warf Rescue Team at once.

C. Eh, leave it. Somebody’ll save it. It’s not your Meowclops.

D. Why should I care? I’m the one who put that Meowclops in that tree in the first place.

Question two: You see a mother pushing a baby Neopet in a stroller. The baby drops her toy. What do you do?

A. Swoop in to get that toy and hand it back to the baby.

B. Get the mother’s attention and tell her that her baby dropped her toy.

C. Keep walking. They're bound to find out sooner or later.

D. Don’t give the baby the toy, and just for good measure, push the stroller down a hill.

Question three: Oh no! Someone is robbing the National Neopian! What do you do?

A. Try to beat up the bad guys who are robbing the bank.

B. Notify the Chia Police at once!

C. Run into the bank to make sure that they didn't steal anything from your account.

D. Remind yourself that even though you promised the robbers 10 percent of the money, you’re not really going to give it to them.

Question four: How would you describe yourself?

A. I’m a happy go-lucky Neocitizen who just loves to assist others in their time of need.

B. I know I must do what’s right, but I don’t like to get my hands too dirty.

C. I only do what’s right when it’s in my best interest.

D. I’m a truly unkind person filled with no mercy, a lot of broken promises, and a spine-chilling look in my eye.

Question five: Choose the philosophy that suits you best.

A. The good people always win.

B. Try to help as best you can

C. If it’s not mine, it'll be fine

D. Muahahahaha and/or Bwahahahaha!

Congratulations, you managed to complete this quiz without being vaporized by an evil villain. You must be proud of yourself. Now, it’s time for the results! Try to remember your answers and figure out which letter you answered the most.

Mostly A: Ugh. You’re a superhero. What are you still reading this for? This is an article on how to be a fairly decent villain. Wait a few weeks/months/years for my article on how to be a fairly decent superhero.

Mostly B: Ha! You’re a sidekick. You try to do what’s right but leave the real heroes up to the task. Watch out for my article on how to be a fairly decent sidekick.

Mostly C: Hey, you’re a henchman! Don’t be ashamed, everybody needs a henchman, and they are in short supply, so finding a job will be a snap. You only do what’s best if it’s in your best interest, and as long as the cash keeps coming, you'll stay on the side of evil. Nothing is wrong with that! My next article is on how to be a fairly decent henchman, so stay tuned.

Mostly D: You’re an evil villain, now please don’t zap me. You are truly evil, and I am not worthy. This article is your destiny, now continue reading. The rest of you, buzz off! You are not worthy of my expertise!

Now, you've got the mind of a villain, but it’s time we cover the difference between a villain and an evil villain. Villains only work for their best interests, and after they're filthy stinking rich, they retire into a life of luxury. These villains rarely need henchmen unless they are pulling a big heist. These people are really only selfish and greedy, and they don’t have the spark in their heart that makes an evil villain an evil villain. Examples of villains are the Pant Devil and Masila. Evil villains often focus on world domination or something like that. They prefer to send their henchmen to do the dirty work while they sit in their evil lair and watch the fight from a big screen. They never stop until they have full control, only using their money to buy even bigger weapons. Examples of evil villains are Dr. Sloth and Hubrid Nox.

So do you still believe you are an evil villain? Good, now let’s begin at the beginning, which is always the best place to start. What shall be your evil name? The best strategy is to put the word ‘Dr.’ or ‘Professor’ or ‘Queen’ or some title of high power before your name. If your name was Sue, you might choose ‘Queen Sue’ or ‘Empress Sue’ or even ‘I’ll Sue’. If your name was Billy Bob Joe, you might choose ‘Dr. Billy Bob Joe’ or ‘Professor Billy Bob Joe’ or even ‘The BBJ’.

Let’s stick with Professor Billy Bob Joe. Does the name Professor Billy Bob Joe strike fear in your heart? If it does, you’re probably having a heart attack and it is having nothing to do with the name. Professor Billy Bob Joe is not scary! It doesn't even strike fear into my bunny slippers! Your next step is to try using your evil powers either after your name, or it can substitute your name. If you do not have any evil powers and you are just planning on using your weapons of mass destruction, either try to obtain powers by zapping yourself with a ray, or stick with Professor Billy Bob Joe. Pretend you do have evil powers, and you can control coffee tables. Your two choices are ‘Professor Billy Bob Joe Coffee Table’ or ‘Professor Coffee Table’. The former is quite a mouthful, so the second choice is probably the best.

Tell me, which sounds better?

“Oh no! It’s Professor Billy Bob Joe!”

“Oh no! it’s Professor Billy Bob Joe Coffee Table!”

“Oh no! It’s PBBJCT!”

“Oh no! It’s Professor Coffee Table!”

Now, it’s up to you to pick one of these names and use it as your evil name!

So you have the name; now it’s time for deciding your costume. You are not going out to terrorize the populous in your footie pajamas (Unless you were King Footie Pajamas). Your best choice is to decorate according to your powers. If you have no powers, your best choice is to wear a long flowing robe like Dr. Sloth. Let’s say you still had the power to control coffee tables. You may want to wear a giant coffee table, but that is far too heavy and it may not cover the right places. Maybe you should wear a shirt that says ‘I Heart Coffee Tables’. Nah. Maybe you should wear a robe that looks like it’s made out of wood but really isn't? Ding! That’s perfect. There are many stores in Neopia dedicated to making costumes for superheroes, and I’m sure if you hold a ray gun to their head they'd be more than glad to make you an evil robe! Robes are your friends!

So you have the name, the powers, and the costume. What else? How about an evil laugh? An evil laugh! You want something that will make strong men faint and weak men head for the hills. After taking a poll with some evil villains, the top three laughs are ‘Muahahaha’ ‘Bwahahaha’ and ‘Ahahaha’. Respectively. So which one is right for you, and how can one perfect said evil laugh? Well, first we must decide which evil laugh is right for you. Try ‘Muahahaha’ out. The ‘Mua’ should sound more like ‘mu-ah’ than ‘mua’. Remember that no matter your gender, an evil laugh comes from deep down the back of your throat. A high-pitched laugh just makes me want to coo and pinch the villain’s cheeks. You want a laugh that is deep, and so loud it can cause an earthquake five miles away.

If ‘Muahahaha’ doesn't fit your style, then try ‘Bwahahaha’. Just like in ‘Muahahaha’, the ‘bwa’ should sound more like ‘bu-ah’.

If you have difficulty with the ‘mua’ and the ‘bwa’, or you just don’t feel comfortable using them, then try number third in evil laughs which is ‘Ahahaha’. It’s more threatening when the ‘ah’ is almost like a shriek. This laugh is most popular with female evil villains.

Take note, ladies and gents, AN EVIL LAUGH SHOULD NEVER BE MORE THAN 5 SECONDS LONG. It makes people bored and gives them a chance to escape from your clutches.

If these three don’t work for you, there are some other laughs you can try or make up. I know an evil villain whose evil laugh is ‘Ha ha higglesnort’. So don’t worry. You can always come back here later.

It is also advised that the villain speak with some kind of cool accent.

I do believe we have covered the basics in villainy. Congratulations! Moreover, you’re still alive. Now that you have the name, the powers, the outfit, the evil laugh and the cool accent, it’s time we go into the more advanced part of villainy.

Let’s start with some evil henchmen. We all need henchmen, unless your evil power is cloning yourself. Henchmen do all the dirty work while we sit in a dark room toiling over our plans. They are the buff people that do all the heavy lifting and fighting off good people. There is no limit to the number of henchmen you can have, but it’s suggested that you have at least five. There are many types of henchmen. We shall go over a few.

Head henchman: This is like a villain’s version of a sidekick. They should be expert fighters and rather smart, because they will help make your plans abide by the laws of physics when you go mad with power.

Buff henchmen: Does all the dirty lifting work.

Ninja henchmen: Do all the fighting and stealing of objects when you are short of Neopoints.

Lair henchmen: Takes care of the lair, making sure it doesn't catch on fire, explode, flood, or any other thing that can happen during a test run of a weapon of mass destruction. Also makes sure the place doesn't look like a pigsty when heroes try to storm in and destroy your plans.

Next, it’s time for the most difficult yet fun part of being an evil villain; The Master Plan! The plan is what pieces your evilness together until it is one great glob of evil. If you have no plan, you are just a person in a robe. The plan is what makes you evil!

First, you need to decide who your target is. Is it a double agent? Is it the Defenders of Neopia? Another evil villain whose plots have gotten in your way? Is it Queen Fyora herself? Next, you need to find the target's weakness. Maybe that double agent has an allergy to Water Hot Dogs. Maybe you should build a giant robot that shoots Water Hot Dogs. Perhaps Queen Fyora is scared to death of Spyders. Throw plastic Spyders on her bed. Flooding their headquarters/home with some sort of sticky and slimy food is always a nice touch, no matter their weakness. When you can’t think of a good plan, just fill their house with oatmeal.

Let's not forget our evil lair. This is where the plotting and preparing goes on. You need to pick a large, secluded area. The top of a mountain, the side of a cliff, underwater, or underground works quite nicely. Keep it secret. No large signs saying, ‘Professor Coffee Table’s Evil Lair’ in big neon letters. What kind of a person would be dumb enough to do that?

*cough* Dr. Sloth *cough*

Take note that a ship in outer space is a TERRIBLE place for a headquarters because there is nothing to hide behind, so it’s easy to be found.

How to monologue: The right way!

A monologue is simply a very long speech. It is usually used when you have the hero in your clutches, so they can’t try to avoid your speech. You may find it entertaining, but to others monologues are rather boring. It makes a very good torture method and an opportunity for the hero to find a means of escape. Monologues usually involve talking about your evil plan, with many evil laughs in between. A monologue usually starts with the hero shouting, “You won’t get away with this!”

In which, the evil villain shouts, “Of course I will! My plan is foolproof! And just because I know you can’t win, I will tell you my plot.” In great detail. Let’s see an example of a fairly decent monologue.

“Of course I will get away with this. Bwahahaha! My plan is foolproof! So foolproof, I can tell you my plot in excruciating detail without me worrying about you foiling my plans. Bwahahaha! First, I shall begin by disguising myself as Adam and infiltrating the TNT headquarters. Then, I shall talk to the programmer and convince him with a few donuts and a ray gun that tomorrow is the Usuki Convention. Neopians everywhere will be so busy buying Usukis at half price that nobody will notice shady figure entering the Neopian Bookstore. Then, I will steal all of the books and read them all, making myself smarter than you can imagine! Bwahahaha! Then, using my newfound smarts, I will enter the Lenny Conundrum, and win! Using my prize money, I shall buy a time freeze ray, so I can freeze time and rob every store in Neopia! Then, I shall buy a hypnotic ray that will hypnotize everyone and make them all my slaves! It’s foolproof! Bwahahaha! Bwahahaha!”

That, my evil friend, is a monologue.

Well, I believe we have covered everything on how to be a fairly decent evil villain. Remember that becoming a good evil villain will take years of thwarted plans. Awesomeness does not come overnight. Usually. Unless you have a time machine. But that’s not important right now. The important thing is that you have graduated from my evil villain class and this article.

Good... er… Evil job!

NOTE: TOO_GOOD_PRETTY_BOY, HER NEOPETS, THE NEOPETS TEAM, THE NEOPIAN TIMES, DR. SLOTH, AND OTHER RANDOM PEOPLE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANGRY HENCHMAN, THWARTED PLANS, BOO-BOOS, OUCHIES, BAD MONOLOGUES, OR ANY OTHER SORT OF BAD THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN TO AN EVIL VILLAIN.

My first 'Fairly Decent' Article. More to come! Hi, Mom! Hi, Ally, Jake, Arc, and Gem! Hi!!!!!! I'll stop now...