Apoc vs. the Soup Kitchen
Before I begin this story, I feel you should know that if you have no sense of humour whatsoever you won’t find my story ‘witty’ at all, you will find it ‘offensive’. Don’t kid yourself; I know who you are. You’re the people who are going to ignore this warning I’ve kindly added and read the story anyway. Then you’ll send me angry neomails and track me down to my doom. So if you have no sense of humour, don’t read this story.
Apoc drifted off into sleep. His owner MI was showing him photos of him as a baby and even before he was created. Apoc was a Christmas Bori who wanted to dominate Neopia along with his minions.
Okay, apparently not. So just as Apoc was slipping into a pleasant dream involving him ruling the planet, MI set down his Zafara Tourist Camera and said something quite interesting.
“And here’s Jay at the Soup Kitchen!”
What? Soup Kitchen? His owner always had seemed to be financially stable. He bought good food for four neopets, had a nice sized neohome, had good friends, and had his shop named after Bori. Could he really have gone to the Soup Kitchen?
“Were you poor? Did the stock market crash? The bank robbed?” asked Apoc.
“No, no, and no,” his owner reassured. “That was when I was much younger and didn’t have any time to get neopoints. I’d take Jay to the Soup Kitchen every day and we’d get a smile and a bowl of warm soup. Of course by the time you came along I was making a good profit. But I still remember the Soup Kitchen. All the needy pets there would do anything for a bowl of warm soup!”
At this moment I feel I should remind you of Apoc’s desire for world leadership. So when he heard this he was already thinking of how to use this charity organization to enslave Neopia.
Are you offended now? Just wait.
“Min! Min! I’ve got another plan for world domination!” cried Apoc as he raced into his brother’s room. Min, or MinionForApoc, was a skunk Tonu who served under Apoc. Min was always eager to help Apoc, and as you guessed, Apoc took advantage of this.
“Min, I’ve got another plan to dominate the globe. Set your alarm for five, old friend!”
Min set aside the puzzle he’d been working on. Knowing his brother, he’d need all the rest he could get.
The next morning was chilly. The sun was rising but the frosty night air still hung over Neopia Central, The few neopets who were out this early looked like they rather wouldn’t be, and paid the brothers no attention, just as Apoc wanted.
Apoc was alert and awake. He always payed the utmost attention, unless of course someone else was speaking. Min meanwhile, was dreaming of Tyrannia, and a pleasant omelette. Maybe watching someone spin the Wheel of Monotony, or listen to distant concert music. But his dream was interrupted when Apoc spoke.
“This way? C’mon Apoc, tell me what we’re out here for. I’m not like you, okay? Bori have been living in caves for years, and with all your fur you could stand that. But I’m freezing. Can we please go home? Or at least get some food?”
Apoc smiled at that. It was a strange smile, like Min had just made a joke that wasn’t entirely clear. It sure made Min feel funny. But nevertheless he followed Apoc through the still morning air, still not too sure as to whether this adventure would be more exciting than a cup of Borovan, but by now Min was lost in a quiet part of Neopia Central quite new to him. Finally, after twenty minutes, Apoc stopped.
“We’re here,” he said.
Min expected the pound, an unlocked shop, anything but where Apoc had led him.
It was the Soup Kitchen.
Apoc grinned and walked in. Unsure, Min followed. Apoc walked up to the Soup Faerie and grinned the kind of grin a clown gives. A clown from the Deserted Fairground who has just cornered you in his tent of horrors, while in a very real game of Carnival of Terror.
“The kitchen won’t open for ten minutes. But I’m afraid you can’t get any. You have 1 240 178NP, more than 3000. I’m sorry!”
Apoc grinned and asked one question.
“Is the soup ready?”
“Why yes, little Bori-” That was all she had the chance to say. Well, apart from muffled screaming noises. But those don’t really count.
Fifteen minutes later a sad looking blue Zafara named Dasher_967 curiously sniffed at the door. He peered through a window hoping to catch a glimpse of the Soup Faerie, who he knew would give him and his little sister a bite to eat while their owner looked for any neopoints. But he saw no smiling face, no bowl brimming with delicious ingredients, not even a candle on.
His little sister Mage_Jewel walked up to him. The little Xweetok asked tenderly if she was in there. He shook his head, with a little tear running down his cheek.
“Don’t worry, Dasher,” Mage said quietly. “We’ll find something!”
To ruin the mood completely Apoc suddenly appeared floating in the air. He was accomplishing this by using a wand of the air faerie to create a small tornado beneath him. Min was behind him on a similar tornado holding the pot, along with the Soup Faerie.
“Greetings, citizens,” Apoc shouted. “In case you haven’t noticed, I have stolen Neopia’s free food supply. If you wish for food you shall become my minions!”
“What about the other freebies? You know, like the Tombola?” asked a Lupe in the crowd. Apoc’s eyes widened as he thought fast.
“I stole those too! They’re in that pot! Now my minions, I command you to head for the chocolate factory! Raid! Attack! Fetch me some assorted neodrops!”
At that point Dasher swallowed. He looked at his sister, who stared up at this strange Bori in fear. He looked at the crowd, who had begun to murmur among themselves. Finally he looked up at the Soup Faerie. She stared down at the hungry crowd as if she had failed them. Dasher frowned.
“Please, Mr. Bori, sir,” Dasher stammered, ignoring the giggle fit that had suddenly overcome Apoc for being called sir. “Every day my owner wakes my sister and me up out of the corner where we’ve spent the night. He takes us to the Soup Kitchen then goes off to earn a few neopoints. We stand in line for a while, then finally gulp down our fill. We head over to the Money Tree, maybe grab some trail mix, then sit down and wait for our owner. We walk along until we find a cheap shop. We buy something, then fall asleep with each other as warmth. I’m sure many other neopets here have similar stories. Without the kindness of the Soup Faerie I don’t know how we’d make it. So please, don’t take it away!”
Apoc stared down at the skinny Zafara. Were they really that different? Apoc stared down at his pleading eyes, then at Min’s carefree, happy ones. He knew his were quite similar. But MI had once come here. Had Apoc been created first, so would he. Was this poor Zafara, were any of these neopets, worthy of his nasty way of taking over Neopia? He knew the answer.
Apoc blew an enormous raspberry.
“Well, tough luck,” he said. “I’ve got the soup, the faerie, and a miniature tornado supporting me. Too bad for you, looks like you’re a minion, and I’m ruler of Neopia. Ha ha ha!” To illustrate his point of victory, Apoc danced on the soup bowl’s rim, then lost his balance and promptly fell into the soup.
While the soup was quite cold by now, it was still very undignified for a future world conqueror to fall into soup. Did Dr. Sloth ever fall into soup? Did Captain Scarblade?
“Min!” cried Apoc. “Get me out of here!”
Min studied the pot. It was too big to reach into, and he didn’t have any long items Apoc could grab. They were in a tornado. So he did the next best thing. He poured it out.
Apoc had the feeling that he always felt when a good plan went horribly wrong. He felt this feeling when the pot suddenly began falling towards a crowd of neopets. Then it fell faster when Apoc realised he had dropped the wand. He considered screaming, but decided against it, and promptly fell next to a patch of grass.
While Min was busy tipping the pot, the Soup Faerie took the moment to escape, running into the Soup Kitchen to whip up a fresh pot of soup. The pets cheered and followed her inside. Min had grabbed onto a tree when he started to fall. He climbed down and run home.
Apoc stood up shaking himself off, muttering about what he would do to Min. He had a tomato on his face and cold soup dripped off his once shiny coat. A Skeith walked up to him. The Skeith hadn’t had any soup yet, and here was a big piece just in front of him!
Apoc guessed the Skeith’s intentions and ran off just in time.
Well, there you have it. And just as I warned, you read the story and are now very angry. So for the angry reader, I have an alternate ending below. For the average reader, the one beneath it will do.
Apoc apologized to the Soup Faerie and worked to help the pets. He also gave up his world domination ways, and befriended Dasher and Mage. They all went for a picnic and there was plenty of ice cream for everybody. They all lived happily ever after.
Well, that was your fake ending. In reality, Apoc tried many other attempts of world domination. He’s probably trying one right now. Dasher and Mage continued their lifestyle. And Min went bored his owner to tears, by describing the ordeals he had suffered to him, which included pushing a pot over while somebody was still in it, and getting yelled at.