Battle Quills... ready! Circulation: 175,667,379 Issue: 358 | 5th day of Gathering, Y10
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Strictly Vegetarian

by duckieballoon


Just so you know, these events are totally NOT based on a real story. Seriously! *shifty eyes*

     There once was a Lupe named Marko, and if you could say anything about him, he loved meat. Like really. Loved.

     Meat for breakfast, meat for lunch, meat for dinner, and meat for brunch and even linner. You could say he was a freak--or just a normal dude, because most people eat meat a lot--but I digress.

     It was a nice, sunny day in Neopia Central. Marko was going over to the Food Shop to pick up some more meat.

     Suddenly, Marko was distracted by a red Lenny standing in front of the Health Food Shop. “Hey! Hey you! Come over here!” he called toward Marko.

     Confused, Marko obeyed. “Can you make this quick? It’s almost time for lunch,” Marko commented.

     The Lenny grinned. “Why don’t you shop here for lunch?” He frowned. “The Health Food Shop doesn’t get much business these days...”

     The blue Lupe shook his head. “Sorry, I don’t eat vegetables.” He began to walk away.

     Shocked, the Lenny called to him again. “What?! How can you not each veggies?!”

     “Meat tastes much better,” replied Marko.

     The Lenny gasped. “You eat meat?! How can you do that?! It’s a disgrace to be a cannibal!”

     Marko was about to correct his definition of cannibalism, but was quickly dragged into the Health Food Shop.

     The Lenny happily skipped into an aisle, and came out with a small red fruit. “Well, if you don’t like veggies, do you like fruit?” Without waiting for an answer, the Lenny shoved the apple into Marko’s mouth.

     Marko spit it out eagerly. “Disgusting! Are you trying to kill me?!”

     The Lenny gasped, covering his beak with his wings. “You... only eat meat?!”

     Marko nodded, exiting the shop angrily--but was once again dragged by the Lenny, to the cashier.

     “I must teach you how to be a vegetarian!” Quickly, the Lenny plopped a large pile of fruits and veggies next to the cash register.

     Wide-eyed, the green Quiggle eagerly took the neopoints from the Lenny. “Thank you, Leonard.”

     The Lenny nodded, and somehow was able to carry the large heap of neopoints and the Lupe to his neohome.


     Leonard nodded toward the disgruntled blue Lupe, who was seated at the Lenny‘s table. “Since you told me you were a strict meat-eater, we’ll start out with something easy.” Leonard took out a plate with what looked like blumaroo steak on it, and placed it in front of Marko. “Fake Blumaroo Steak!”

     Marko knew it was going to take some convincing to get out of this place. Hesitantly, he took a fork and scooped a bit in his mouth. His expression turned sour.

     “Well?” Leonard asked excitedly.

     The Lupe chewed uncomfortably. “It’s like eating hair,” he said at last.

     Leonard frowned. “Maybe you took a bad part. Try around here,” he said, guiding his wing along the opposite side of the imitation steak.

     Marko turned the plate around and took a bite. He shuddered.

     “No good? Maybe here,” the Lenny pointed at another spot.




     Quickly, the false meat was gone. Marko looked quite uncomfortable. “That was awful,” he gagged.

     Leonard shrugged. “Hmm, I guess fake meat wasn’t a good idea. Maybe we should just go straight to the veggies.”

     Marko gulped.


     “Tada!” cried the Lenny as he uncovered the plate of salad. “I give you, Fresh Green Salad!”

     Marko poked it with a fork. “Um, salad?” He stared at the plate. Finally, he took a bit of the salad and began to place it in his mouth.

     “WAIT!” a voice screamed, making Marko bite his tongue.

     “Yowch!” Marko yelped, holding his tongue.

     “Wait just one minute!” Out of the hallway came a blue Kougra dressed up as a roast turkey.

     “...” Marko said.

     “Agh! Samuel, it is you again! What do you want?! And why the heck are you in that suit?!” Leonard growled.

     “I have come to rescue Marko!” he cried, running in circles around the table. “Da-da-da-DA!” he cried. “I am Meat-Man, here to save the day.”

     Removing the plate of salad, Samuel replaced it with a heaping block of Meat Feast Pizza. “Enjoy,” Samuel said.

     “Oh boy!” Marko cried, but Leonard snatched the plate up before he could taste it.

     “Despicable!” the Lenny shouted, throwing the pizza on the floor. He took out another plate. “I bet you’d enjoy some Meatless Meatballs!” he said, putting it in front of Marko.

     “No, no, no!” the Kougra rolled his eyes, throwing the plate of meatballs across the room. “Meat is essential!”

     “Is not! I live a perfectly well-balanced diet of vegetarian necessities!”

     “Let me just take care of you...”


     “Let me out!” Leonard cried, tied up in his closet.

     “You couldn’t cover his mouth?” Marko asked.

     “That beak of his is huge,” the Kougra replied. Quickly, he grabbed something from the kitchen and placed it in front for Marko. “Behold, the Mega Meat Sandwich! Oh, it will just fill you up. Try it!”

     Marko stared at the hopping sandwich. “Is it supposed to be jumping around like that? I usually eat things that aren’t... animated,” he admitted.

     “Oh, who cares? Just try it, it’s delicious.” Samuel nodded. The nod caused him to fall over on the floor and roll toward the door. The impact of the turkey suit knocked down the door.

     “Hey!” cried Leonard from the closet. “I have to pay for these things, you know!”

     “Oh no!” Samuel cried, rolling out the door. “Quick, Marko, eat the sandwich!”

     “Why?” Marko asked.

     “Haha!” said the Mega Meat Sandwich. He jumped off the table and began hopping to the door. “Say ya later, sucker!” Cackling, the sandwich ran out of the neohome.

     “Marko!” screeched the rolling Kougra. “Get the sandwich! Or very bad things will happen!”

     “What?” Marko cried, jumping to the door. “What will happen?! Will it doom Neopia?!”

     “No,” answered Samuel. “I’d have spent 250 NC for nothing!”

     Suddenly, Leonard burst through the closet door, proudly untied. Then he sulked. “Not another door!”

     “Nooooo!” yelled Samuel from afar. Then, using all his strength, the Kougra pushed himself up. “That’s it, Leonard! I will show you who’s better, and right now!”

     “...right after I test all my weapons on Punchbag Bob!”

     *several hours later*


     The fight commences!

     As the referee blew his whistle, the Lenny and Kougra got into a serious game of Cheat.

     “2 Aces,” Leonard said.

     “Cheating!” Samuel yelped.

     “Nope! Hahahaha! You get the pile of cards!” The Lenny tauntingly shoved his two cards to Samuel. Samuel groaned.

     Marko watched the game from the audience, munching on Buttered Popcorn. A random Acara seated next to him gasped.

     “Marko! You’re eating vegetables!”

     Marko saw too, and also gasped. “Wow! I didn’t know popcorn was a vegetable. In fact, I’ve probably been eating vegetables and fruit all my life!”

     “WHAT?” shouted Leonard and Samuel.

     “I think I’ll go have some Fish and Chips,” Marko announced, standing up. “Get it? Fish is meat, and chips are vegetables!” Marko skipped joyously out the door.

     Samuel and Leonard stared after him, jaws dropped. They looked at each other.

     “ wanna get something to eat?”

     “You thinking Golden Dubloon?”

     “You said it.”

     And the Lenny and the Kougra walked off together, living happily ever after.

The End

Like I say again, this story is totally not based off of something that happened in real life. Totally! >_> Anyway, I hope my debut into the Times amused you. Ciao!

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