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10 More Things You Shouldn't Do In Neopia


by tracypaper12

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Well, well, well. You thought you'd seen the last of me. Thought I'd got myself horribly mutilated in a freak Meowclops incident? Thought I'd been imprisoned and tortured by the dreaded Doctor Sloth? Thought I'd got a really bad haircut, and locked myself in my bedroom? Well, yes to all three, but I'm here now, and ready to give you the top ten tips on keeping your nose clean in the land of Neopia.

As you may, or may not have noticed, Neopia's hazards are ever increasing. You've just gone out and bought yourself a nice Charm of Rabid Snowbunny Repellent, and suddenly find yourself amidst a flock of hungry mutant Babaas. It seems they're (almighty office dudes upon high) always inventing new ways to explode, decapitate or generally inflict a lot of pain on yourself. Life in Neopia is guaranteed to be a Skritch.

Hopefully, this article will help keep you safe from harm and stay away from all those big bads out there. Well, from at least ten of then, anyway.

1. Kiss The Mortog

Take my advice here. Do NOT kiss the Mortog. In fact, do not kiss ANY Mortogs. Don't even pucker up your lips for anything that remotely resembles a Mortog. Sorry, Simsman.

In case you were unaware, or just plain stupid, Mortogs, when kissed, have this unexplainable habit of... blowing up. Probably don't have very good love lives. Although blowing stuff up is rather good fun, it's not when your lips are attached to said explodey thingy. You'll be washing little pieces of Mortog out of your hair for weeks (once you get out of the NeoHospital).

2. Petpetsit

No, really, don't. They're not very comfy anyway, they wriggle, and they could possibly bite your behind.

But seriously, Petpetsitting is possibly the worst job ever. They say never to work with children or Petpets. Thankfully the children are all off being obnoxious on the Neoboards, but the Petpets are quite enough to deal with by themselves. So, you manage to get the Noil into bed... then the Gruslen pees on the floor, and GX-4 Oscillabot explodes while you're fetching the mop and the Babaa's eating you're favourite trousers and you start having a mid-life crisis even though you're only fifteen and oh my word when will the nightmare end? The Neopoints you'll earn wont be enough to pay for the extensive therapy afterwards, believe me.

3. Kreluding

kre·lude

v. kre·lude·ed, kre·lud·ing, kre·ludes

To partake or indulge in an activity found on the Grundo planet of Kreludor

Honestly though, why would you want to? After all, it's a big, barren rock in the sky, covered in MINES. Yes, that's right, experience the most boring planet in Neopia, with the added thrill of getting blown up! You'd think the chance of getting blasted to smithereens would at least add a little tension and excitement.

It doesn't. After about ten minutes, I found myself LOOKING for the mines. Seem odd? Well, hopefully I can clear that up with a little mathematical equation!

T is Tracy. If K is kreludor, and F is fun, the equation would be as follows. In case you're really stupid, = is equals, and / is divide.

T+K = F / 1000000000000

And then if B is Blowing Up;

T+B = F / 10000000

Therefore

T+K < T+B

If you didn't understand that, I salute you. I wish I didn't know as much Algebra as you. I'd gladly add it to this list, but I'm afraid Algebra is something you shouldn't do ANYWHERE. Comprende?

So, Kreludor is pretty much only suitable for those with a death wish. Plus, those little orange Grundos sit there and watch you with their big, ol' eyes. Creepy.

4. Collect Avatars

Dear Fyora, this could possibly be the most pathetic, boring hobby in the whole of Neopia. After stamp collecting, of course. I mean, whoo, I'm gonna spend my life savings on a little flashing picture of a Pea Chia. Oh the Excitement! Oh the Wonderment!

And then there's the issue of what to do with them afterwards. You spend 700,000 billion puhjillion Neopoints on the new 'I Like Kissing Mortogs' avatar, and a month later, they bring out a better, more expensive avatar. Naturally, you get that too, and use it on the Neoboards to gather a little Pied-Piper style following.

But what happens to your old avatar? It spends its day alone, with all the other lower class avatars, playing Cheat with 'Let It Snow' and 'Battle Jubjub'. It starts to develop a complex, and gets an out of control Asparagus addiction. It cries itself to sleep at night, thinking fondly back at all the fun times it had with you.

To pledge a donation of 100NP a month, send a stamped, self addressed neomai- Oops, sorry. Got carried away. But you get the point. You could be spending thousands of Neopoints on other things, like paintbrushes and food for your Neopet. Which are coincidentally graphics too, I gue-

5. Write For The Neopian Times

I mean, what kind of brainless, stupid, moronic little Peadackle would even consider doing that? Hehe, writing for the Neopian Times. Idiots.

Don't even get me started on the raving lunatics that write for the paper. The Neopian Times - It Does Things To Your Mind...

6. Play Hopscotch in Faerieland

Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump.

Skiiiiiiiiiiid...

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Squish.

7. Feed A Hasee

Especially not the bouncing ones. This may seem slightly obscure, but if I protect at least one ignoramus, it's a job well done.

You know Poogles and Turdles sometimes go faster when you give them a little snack? I thought I'd try the same logic with the Hasees on the Hasee Bouncer game. Well, I gave the orange one a nice, big slab of chocolate cake.

Well, my logic was apparently flawed. Whereas Turdles and Poogles are running (or slowly meandering) along a track, the Hasees are getting thrown up and down quite violently. Throwing up is just what the little monster did. All over me. And I can say, that didn't aid my score. Or my new sweater.

8. Accidentally get locked in the Kadoatery after hours

I think I can still hear the mewing...

9. Buy your pet a musical instrument

Get young genericchiadude123 a violin, they said. It'll be a learning experience, they said. It'll be good fun, they said. "They" is currently sporting a most beautiful black eye, courtesy of yours truly.

A Neopet trying to learn an instrument is like being sticky-taped to the Monoceraptor. Not the most pleasant of experiences. For anyone who is truly passionate about music, I definitely suggest not getting your pet an instrument, lest ye wish to hear the classics murdered. And when I say murdered, I mean beaten up, stuffed in a trunk, set on fire, pushed off a cliff, and laid to rest in a bath of hydrochloric acid sort of thing.

By far the worst, is the recorder. I mean, I don't think I've ever heard the recorder played well. I don't think the recorder CAN be played well. What chance does your pet have?

10. Buy a Spardel.

Sit, you shall say. The Spardel will sort of gaze off into the distance. Lay down, you shall say. He shall loll his tongue. Roll over, you will say. He shall promptly sit down.

Spardels have got to be the slowest, most dim-witted creature on the surface of Neopia. After Too_kule, of course. They have the trainability of a Pet Rock, combined with the stupidity of those people who mail you saying "lyk how du u neomail?". Seriously, if those guys had opposable thumbs, I really think they'd do that. Maybe the people who that do are actually mutated Spardels with opposable thumbs. It's the only explanation I can think of.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes this wonderful, fantastic gem of an article. Sloth only knows how many thousands of people this article has helped in their everyday lives. I guess I should ask him.

This is Tracypaper12 signing out, dressed in combat gear, and awaiting angry Avatar, Stamp, Spardel, Mortog and Neopian Times neomail. Kudos to Toodly Kulio and the Simsmeister for being so cool, and not flushing my head down a toilet. I'm not plugging their usernames, as they already have way more fans than me ;)

 
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