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Ways to Avoid Implosion


by paxwax

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Hello there, readers. My name is Daubery, and I am a blue Aisha. Welcome to my little guide “How To Avoid Implosion”.

Don’t laugh!

Implosion, sadly, is a frequent occurrence in Neopia. One out of every three Neopians will implode before next month. That is a lot of people- you could be next!

Concerned?

Well, thankfully, I can help. I have studied for many arduous minutes, poring over comic books and slurping intelligence-enhancing slushies, to find out ways to keep Neopia safe from implosions.

Before we begin, I’d like to discuss briefly the cause of implosion. Often it is caused by extreme anger, embarrassment, or laughter, as surveys completed by the imploded have shown.

So implosions are triggered by strong emotion. Keep that in mind, readers! It is the true key to staying safe from implosions.

Say you were chatting on the Neoboards, right, and someone says to you, “Hey man, your Neopet ________ (insert name) is hideous”. (Yes, that is incredibly rude and should never ever be uttered, but this is only for instance). Also say that that pet is your favourite, and you spent hours and hours playing games saving up for that paintbrush.

Normally you would have said, “Please, be nice. Everyone likes different things,” if it was someone else being insulted.

But this kid is picking on your little snookums! You are SO angry, SO hurt, SO unhappy, that- POOF! You’ve imploded.

And, worst of all, this guy is still going around bad-mouthing your baby.

But little ol’ Daubery can help! Here are my best ways to avoid implosion:

10) Have no emotions.

This one is easy. You’ll never have to cry again! No one can hurt you! Of course, you couldn’t laugh either... so even when your best friend tells you this awesome joke, you can’t laugh... which would cause you to... implode. Oh dear. That’s not good.

9) Walk around with your fingers in your ears.

That way no one can say anything to make you implode, because you can’t hear! Isn’t it brilliant?

You’ll be strutting along the main street with your ears blocked, safe from implosions as can be- wait! What if you walk in front of an Elephante with a cold, and someone calls ‘Watch out!’ but you can’t hear them and you get sneezed on?! Oh no! You might get a cold and be sick! And then you couldn’t play games and your owner would be broke and you’d starve! No! Bad bad bad idea!

8) Have a Liobits as a petpet.

They’re so boring that there is nothing to implode about.

But seriously, who wants a sheet of paper as a petpet? I mean, I like Buzzers and Babaas, Angelpi and Devilpi, Cobralls and Wadjets, but Liobits? They’re funny looking. I don’t even know why Pax gave me one of the ugly things.

What? Oh. Never mind. Apparently my petpet is a Liobits. Sorry, Bobo.

7) Wear an awesome hat.

Hats are so awesome that you’ll forget about anything implosion-triggering.

6) Eat some pizza.

I love pizza.

Pardon?

Oh, sorry, I’m wearing my uber-cool hat. See? It’s a beret, but it’s stripy with a pompom! Don’t you just love it? I love it! I think it’s awesome! Do you think it’s awesome? Grandma knitted it for me! It’s full of love and snuggles and dropped stitches! I love you, Granny! I also love my Liobits because he’s so boring. I love the smell of Meepits, but I don’t tell anyone. They smell like sugar and earwax all in one! Feepits are icky, though. I don’t like Terror Mountain. It’s terrible.

What were we talking about?

5) Be Pax.

Pax hasn’t imploded yet. She must be immune or something, or have an implosion-shielding pair of mittens. Maybe she’s magic. Who knows? Having a magic owner would be fun. She could make stuff appear out of nowhere for me, like a better petpet or something. I KNOW! Another hat. One with bows and bells and little Kadoaties on it! That meows when you say ‘negg’! Ooh, I want one, Pax! Pleeeeease??

4) Buy an explosive device.

So when you begin to implode, you can set it off, in the explosion will counteract the implosion.

Or it could just blow up. I’m not sure. I haven’t tried it. Have you? Don’t be dumb. If you had had explosives, you wouldn’t be here!

You’d be in trouble for playing with matches.

I got grounded for playing with matches.

Because only owners and grown-ups can touch matches.

We kids might burn down the house.

That would be naughty.

And we’d get grounded.

Hmm, I’m running out of ideas.

3) Play the cello.

Because the cello is so darn cool that no one can tease you or laugh at you, so no imploding! Man, that’s a good idea! Be careful, though. DO NOT wear a skirt when you are playing the cello. Seriously-bad-idea.

Note: the violin, viola, fife, piccolo, flute, tom-tom, snare drum, euphonium, piano, saxophone, accordion, melodica, xylophone, glockenspiel, keyboard, synthesiser, double bass, bass guitar, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, electric kazoo, bass drum, bassoon, and nose-flute don’t work. Only the cello has the extreme awesomeness to repel implosion.

2) Did I mention walking around with your fingers in your ears?

Yes?

Didn’t work?

Alrighty then, walk around with your fingers in your ears and keep away from Elephantes with colds.

Or make a cure for the common cold. Can you do that? Bet you can’t. No one can. Just like no one can lick their elbow. Unless you have a really, really long tongue. Or a long neck. But that wouldn’t help if you didn’t have any elbows to lick.

So that’s my list so far! Like it? I think it will save millions from implosions, don’t you?

Finally, here’s Number One on my tremendously superb guide list.

It is so awesome, so absolutely splendiferous, so downright brilliant, SO WONDERFUL, that you will surely- *POOF*

Pax’s Note: *sigh* You guessed it. She went and imploded. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine. Implosion isn’t real, you know. Just like Jelly World. It’s not real. No one should ever believe in such a ridiculous idea as Jelly World or implosions.

 
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