Way Too MANY Neopian Book Reviews
Before we begin, I have a few things to say about book reviewers. There are some elite book reviewers who have dedicated their lives to reviewing. These amazing individuals have devoted hours and thousands to telling others what to read. They do this as a benefit to those who truly love a good book. If you are one of these intrepid folk, I advise you to go somewhere else.
Come on, Neopia! Anybody can take stuff seriously! All of those sad stories, those tragedies about abandonment and loneliness! Those articles about feeding your pets and shop pricing! Doesn’t anyone feel humor deprived? If so, here’s your cure. Forty-nine book reviews that are short, careless, frivolous, and 100% entertaining. There are three previous articles to read if this fails to lift your spirits! As review #1 says...
When All Else Fails...: Write more of the same thing.
Quiggle Art Book: How to draw a Quiggle that looks nothing like a Quiggle because it’s big, scary, and tough. Grr, scary Quiggles.
Cybunny Rules 101: Rule 234: Never wear white shoes between Aisha Day and Lupe Day. Never. Or the Cybunnies will refuse to acknowledge your existence until you give them thousands of carrots.
Defence for Elephantes: For the master of Elephante Martial Art, this book will teach you ancient skills like the ‘Tai-Trunk Toss’ and the ‘Little Wings Lift’, or you can save time and money and step on anyone who attacks you.
Getting Better: The reason why you should keep reading this article.
Wonder Koi: Once upon a time, there was a Koi who had the power to live out of water and used it to soak everything in his Neohome and got grounded. The End.
Quiggle Food Guide: Ask yourselves, Quiggles across Neopia- How safe are the flies you eat? Would switching to Spyders be the safe choice? All this and more...
Grundo Surf Manual: Get on the board. Rise into an upright position. Wait until a wave with the surface area of 39.4952 square neometers moving at a speed of 18.48503 neomiles an hour passes. Calculate rate of impact with sand...
Antique Furniture: This book will tell you how to find the hippest, freshest, most modern designs in antique furniture.
Auction Tips and Tricks: Tip 459: Never bang the gavel on your foot, paw, fin, or talon.
The Green Book: A book which is, you guessed it, green. No, really!
Basic Survival Skills: If all else fails, use the pages from this book to start a fire.
Playing with Fire: It’s never a good idea to invite the Lava Ghoul over for tea, isn’t it? Even though he promises to bring the scones and the tea.
Skeith Magic: Just say the spell, and poof! Lots of valuable codestones to eat!
Neopia In Under 18 NP A Day: This book didn’t sell very well, due to the fact it takes 717 days to afford a copy.
Wheres My Mummy: The mummy is probably in a pyramid in the Lost Desert, along with the apostrophe in ‘where’s’.
Evil Plots For Beginners: How to take over Neopia in five easy steps. Now with extra Sloth.
Hunting The Meerca Way: A book explaining how to ferociously drive a spear though leaves, fruit, and associated vegetables.
Better Than You: Any person who managed to solve the Return of Dr. Sloth plot.
Kacheek Horror: The innocent Kacheek turned. There behind him was the missing hairbrush! He screamed in utter horror and fainted.
Confusing Conundrums: This book is filled with questions like ‘why is she writing ANOTHER book review?’.
Faellie Handbook: A must read for anyone who liked the ‘Faellie Footbook’.
Hatching A Draik Egg: Never try this in the Kadoatery. Ever.
Mercenaries for Hire: For five thousand NP a day, they’ll attack your enemies, fight your foes, and give free manicures! Oh, what a bargain!
Bring Back The Book: Hey! I was reviewing that!
Marshmallow Invasion: The enemy was relentless as they destroyed the village. It was the young hero’s time to fight (and start a campfire)!
Darigan Storytime: Once upon a time, Lord Darigan lost his favorite teddy bear right before bedtime. His mommy told him a story about how his teddy was eaten by Lil’ Kass. This was what turned him evil (plus the whole business with the orb).
Planning Shenkuu Gardens: This book is useless unless you happen to have a mountain in your Neogarden. Which I don’t, in case you were wondering.
The Water Mote: Hey! Someone spilled water all over my book!
When you are Blue: So if your pet is really sad, he turns blue, and grey pets are sad, and if a blue pet was so sad he turned grey, his owner would have a painted pet and be happy... so what does this mean?
Drawing Kiko: Circle. Arms. Bandage.
Jelly World Travel Brochure: This review does not exist.
Unique Style: What this article lacks.
Oxygen and You: Unless you live on Kreludor, chances are you might want to read this.
Buzz Snot: I recommend this book to anyone with rubber gloves and a high immune system.
Eye-Sha: Eye think this pun is eye-noying. Whoever wrote it should be frozen like an eye-sicle.
Flotsam Party Ideas: One might want to avoid the theme ’Dry Land’, ‘Lost Desert’, and ‘Terror Mountain’.
Fun Games : Any game that does not involve a Techo or a wire.
Magic Spells: Have you ever heard of non-magic spells?
History of Dirt: Filled with non-stop action, breathtaking adventure, and dramatic plot twists, this book will hold your attention from the amazing beginning to the shocking end... if you’re a clod of dirt.
Learn Social Skills: Lyk, who needz dis book when u hav a c0mput0R? LOL, lyk no 1!
Potato Counting for Beginners : One, two, three, four... Darn! Forgot what came next again!
Scroll of Despair: I’m getting the feeling this may not be as cheerful a book as first expected...
The Art of Sword Fighting: One day, a young Neopet dropped his sword in a bucket of paint and the Art of Sword Fighting was born!
Ugga Ugg Times: Ugg ugga ugg ugg ugga ugg. Ugga ugga ugg...
Being Stinky: The reason why people run away from me.
Krazy Krawks: Kompletely krazy Krawks kompete! Who is koolest of the Krawks?
Catch It If You Can: Another name for Igloo Garage Sale Game.
Try Not to Beg: I’m sure I’ll write more book reviews soon.