Dear Crabby: I Hate You All

I returned to my office today amidst pandemonium. Apparently this week is Issue 350, and according to my editor, that’s some big event. All of the columnists are supposed to write celebration-themed articles. To this I say, “Pbbbth.” Yes. You heard me right. I said “Pbbbth!” Like I’m going to write an article in celebration of some silly milestone. Hah! This article will always be about the single most important thing to grace the pages of the Neopian Times—me!

Now, can we please get back to my article? Jeez! As I was saying, I just returned from a vacation. Do you want to know why I was forced into leaving for a while? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s all because of you. Every single one of you. Way to go, readers. I hope you’re happy. No, scratch that. I hope you’re unhappy! I hope you’re as unhappy as you all have made me! What could you have possibly done to anger me this much, you might ask? You see, readers, you’ve ruined one of the only things that made my meager existence on this planet enjoyable at all: my favorite line of advice.

Readers, do you remember in my last article, when I got to use my favorite advice? I got to use it three times! Three! I was so overcome with this emotion that I can’t describe. This strange upside down frown appeared on my face, even. And for the rest of the day, all I could think about was how great it was that I could use that advice!

And then you had to go and ruin it, readers. You had to send me loads and loads of Neomail about my favorite advice. Would you like to see some examples? Here are some of the many:

Dear Crabby:

I read your advice column. Recently I was attacked by a crazed Yurble with a stick. So, I tried to find a bigger stick, but I couldn't! How would you suggest I solve this problem?

-Stickless Reader

Dear Crabby:

Have you found a bigger stick yet?

-Curious

And finally, this depressing letter:

Dear Crabby,

If I got a bigger stick, then my friend got a bigger stick, then I got a bigger bigger stick, then he got a bigger bigger stick, then I got a bigger bigger bigger stick, then he got a bigger bigger bigger bigger stick, then who has the bigger stick?

- Mathematically Challenged.

I literally broke into sobs when I read that last one. Readers, it seems you wanted me to give all of you that same piece of advice too. And you know what? It’s no longer fun! You’ve ruined my advice! It has no meaning anymore!

So that’s it, readers. I’ve had it with you. Here’s where it ends. I hope all of you—

Editor’s Note: At this point, the writing was so soaked with tear-stains, it became illegible.

So, readers, I guess I’ll just have to search for a new favorite piece of advice. One that’s even more angry and patronizing. Yes, perfect! Oh, readers, if you could hear my cackling as I write this! You’ll wish you never sent me those awful Neomails!

***

Dear Crabby:

Nowadays, everything is always blamed on the Meepits. How could anyone believe that such innocent little petpets could do anything wrong? Don't you think they should at least be fair and occasionally blame things on, say, Feepits?

-Certainly Not a Meepit

Dear Certainly:

You see, normally I’d agree with you. After all, I get the same sort of awful prejudice as a Mutant Lenny. It’s terrible. It’s what makes me Crabby. (Well, that and the fact that my parents named me Crabby, but that’s beside the point.) But you see, we’re different, you and I. While we may both be prejudiced against, at least I can still laugh at you, you silly Meepits. See those vocal cords? They make people laugh! And you don’t have any! Nyeh nyeh!

Well, that made me feel a little better. But not good enough yet...

***

Dear Crabby:

I am a baby Kougra. Now, ordinarily this wouldn't be a problem, but no one can take me seriously! People don't ever talk to me like I'm a person. And they give me baby toys and baby food (yuck!) and unwanted attention! And don't even get me started on the personal bubble invasion of diaper changing. What can I do about my terrible situation?

-Baby Blues

Dear Widdle Baby:

Wait a minute, let me get this straight: you’re upset because you’ve got people doting on you hand and foot? You don’t even have to go to the toilet by yourself! You are sorely mistaken, kid. Embrace it! Don’t you see what you’ve got going here? You could make people do anything for you. Try getting people to blink and breathe for you. Then you’ll know you’ve got it made in the shade.

***

Dear Crabby:

I’m a Christmas Bori. It’s nice and all but there's just one thing... IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS ANYMORE!!!!!! My owner is extremely naive and says lots of Neopets are painted Christmas on Terror Mountain but we don't live in Terror Mountain. We live in Faerieland and all the spoiled rotten faerie pets laugh at me! HELP!!!!!!!

-Holiday Challenged

Dear Challenged:

OMG!!!!! I can’t believe you have to live with this terrible misfortune!!!!! Gee, this really puts my worries into perspective!!!!! How could I have been worried about finding a new favorite advice when I could be pondering about your problem!!!! Let me think on how to solve it... nah, forget it!!!! I’m already bored!!!!

Next question!!!!

***

Dear Crabby:

I've been burned, turned into a walking Fishcicle, and received other such abuse from my owner, Sophie the Swamp Witch. How can I take vengeance upon her and turn HER into a pile of walking dung?

-A very battered Meowclops

Dear Meowclops:

Now this is the sort of question I enjoy answering. I just love thinking of ways for revenge. Why, just the other day I finally got back at that awful celebrity agent that tried to get me to change just for money. You know what I did? It was the most devilish thing I’ve ever thought of! I sat down at my desk and wrote an angry letter! Mwahaha. That letter must’ve made him so mad! I can imagine him sitting there right now, reading it over and over, his face twisted into a frown. Ah, I’m such an evil genius.

Oh right, your question. If you want to bring her into contact with dung, just shove her in some. Doesn’t get much easier than that.

Eh. That was not as fun as it used to be. I blame you, readers!

***

Dear Crabby:

Everybody keeps on telling me I am too grumpy. They call me things like "Grouchy," "Grumpy," and "Crabby." I really hate those names, especially that third one. I mean, it's such a stupid name. What should I do?

-Your Biggest And Happiest Fan

Dear Biggest: (I refuse to use that other word you used to describe yourself in my column. I can’t believe you would even write it. You disgust me.)

Oh, so Crabby is a bad name, eh? Think it’s funny to make fun of me? Look, it’s time I say something to all my readers that I’ve been meaning to say for months. None of you are allowed to mock me. Only I am allowed to do that! It’s not some big joke that everyone’s in on. You’ve ruined my life already by taking my advice. I will not stand for anything else. Got it, you fools? Good. Now continue reading, so I can insult you more.

***

Dear Crabby:

I have a disease which no doctor has been able to identify, so I was wondering if you could help. I have bright purple splotches all over my fur, and my nose keeps on swelling to twice its size, and my face often breaks out in hives. Please tell me, Crabby, what's wrong with me, because pets keep on popping my swelling nose because they think it's a balloon!

-Diseased

Dear Diseased:

Oh, now that is something I’d be very interested in seeing. Say, would you be willing to come to my house? It’d be the first time someone uglier than I has stepped foot into my home. Obviously, I’d insult you and mock you incessantly, then we’d probably break for lunch, and then I could get back to insulting you over afternoon tea. Now does that sound like a fun time or what?

***

Bleh. It seems even in writing this article I could not avoid getting more questions about sticks. Ah well. More people to whack, I suppose.

Dear Crabby:

What if you live in the Lost Desert like me, where there are no sticks to be found? How do I find a bigger stick then?

-A disappointed fan

Dear Disappointed:

If you can’t find a bigger stick, you don’t deserve to have one. Simple as that. Now go build a sandcastle, weirdo.

***

Dear Crabby:

I have a suggestion for those having trouble finding sticks in the Lost Desert. I read of something called a fulgarite that might do the trick. They are supposed to form in certain kinds of sand when struck by lightning. Hope this helps.

-SoManyBooksSoLittleTime

Dear SoMany:

Nerd.

***

That’s all I can take for now. Readers, your collective idiocy is astonishing. I don’t even know why I bother anymore. I couldn’t come up with anything better than my former favorite piece of advice. That’s how amazing it was. It worked for any occasion and now it’s too clichéd to use. What am I to do?

You know what? I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to keep taking your silly questions, and I’ll continue that search. Not even your stupidity can hold me down! I will find the next great piece of advice, and I will unleash it on all of you! No Neopet will be spared from my advice vengeance!

Uh... right. I’m not sure where that came from. But rest assured, I’m not giving up. I will find it! The search for Crabby’s Next Top Piece of Advice is on!

If you have a question for me, Crabby, send a neomail to dan4884. It may get answered in the next Dear Crabby column. Please note that not all questions will be used and your username will not be credited.

Oh, and in case you were wondering—that stench you’ve smelled ever since you opened up this issue of the Neopian Times? Consider it a little gift from me to you, in exchange for all of the anguish you’ve caused me. Let’s see people enjoy Issue 350 now!