Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 176,283,216 Issue: 348 | 20th day of Relaxing, Y10
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The Uncool Life of Akats


by champ100543

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It's fair to say that my life is... well, a weird one. With a wacko owner and two siblings, it's all a Kyrii can do to not go insane. This is more difficult than it sounds. I love playing tricks and making up crafty ways to earn neopoints, but Suni tries to keep me in my place (I don't think he realizes that I never will) and Sedgee just watches in awe. It's kind of nice to have a little sister look up to me with such respect, especially when a certain Christmas Peophin acts like he's the ruler of the universe, but still, that little Green Cybunny is really annoying. She gets in the way a lot. But hey, she's young. I can train her.

      So one day I'm just sitting inside, lounging on the couch and tuning into some silly show on Neovision, when the doorbell rings. It's Chair (predictably) with our daily supply of food. Of course, we go to the Soup Kitchen more often than not, but she still brings treats. Then we have a feast on occasions. Then soup... again and again till I don't think my teeth work anymore, they're so unused from sipping soup all the time.

      But anyway, Chair enters the house with a smile on her face. Chair smiles over anything... she'll laugh at a memory of something that happened two months ago. So it's not so unusual to see her with her eyes roaring with laughter, and her teeth showing through her smile. I flip the channel on the Neovision.

      Sedgee hops up to Chair. "Chairee! You're home!" she exclaims happily. Chair bends down to give her darling little Cybunny (pah!) a hug, then she straightens.

      "Have I news for you!" Chair calls, so I know her message is not only intended for Sedgee. Suni and I (me and Suni, really; the superior should be listed first, but sigh... I have to go with grammar) are meant to hear this too. So I turn off the Neovision set and turn my head in Chair's direction. Of course, I don't want to look too interested. That would seem... uncool. Like Suni, who's galloping down the stairs right now, and I can tell he can't wait to hear what our owner has to say.

      "I read a study that says that neopets with jobs become more independent," she whispers, as if it's some big secret. I roll my eyes. Who cares about some silly job? An Orange Kyrii, privileged as he is, shouldn't have to get a job. That's what owners are for.

      "So... you're all going to get a job!" Chair finishes, clapping her hands together in excitement. From the look on his uncool face you can tell that Suni is really happy about this, but he tries to hide it with only a slight nod of acknowledgement. Sedgee starts to squeal happily, but one look at my revolted expression sure shuts her up fast. I stand.

      "I don't want a job," I protest. It's not like my protests are always so... well... simple, but ah well. A long speech will just make the same point, and why waste my time?

      "Sorry, Akats, but it'll be good for you. You can choose whatever job you want."

      "Neovision evaluator, then." I plop back down on the couch.

      Chair stares at me thoughtfully. "No, no, you have to get out of the house. So... what do you all want to do?"

      Sedgee glances at me, but for once makes her own decision. "I wanta be a... Soup Kitchen server!"

      If she cared to look my way for approval, she would see a too-cool eye-roll. Don't we spend enough time there already? How boring. How... uncool.

      "I think I'll work part-time at the pound," Suni puts in. Even more lame. He always has to be the little helper, the one Chair's proud of always. He makes me sick. I fake-gag and turn my attention to the dark Neovision screen as Chair looks my way.

      "What do you think, Akats? Any ideas?"

      Yeah, right, like I'd waste my time trying to think of an idea for a job. Boring and uncool. I shrug, hoping that gets me by, even though Chair's usually pushier than that.

      "Alright, then," Chair says.

      It worked!

      "I'll choose for you."

      So much for that...

      "You can be... ah... a petpet seller!"

      "WHAT?" I exclaim. If there's something I hate more than my pesky, totally uncool family, it's petpets. The annoying little midgets are always doing silly things. I'd trade with Sedgee in a moment... I'd even trade with Suni. Anything but the petpets.

      "Wanna trade, Sedgee?" I offer weakly. Sedgee thankfully looks interested.

      "Sure! I can't wait to be a petpet seller!" She gives a little wriggle of joy.

      I sigh in relief, but stop when I remember that tomorrow I start my brand new job... at the Soup Kitchen.

      *

      Have you ever noticed that time speeds up when you're dreading something? That previous sentence was a cliche, so I bet you have. Anyway, the rest of my day passed in a blur, and night? Pfff, as if it would take its time. Before I know it, I am rolling over, slamming a fist onto the alarm clock, and pushing back the covers.

      Chair beams to see me up so early, and as I go to quickly fetch my omelette I glare back at her. Five minutes later Suni enters the kitchen. The Christmas Peophin grabs a mashed potatoes with gravy - when will he learn that's a dinner? Anyway, he eats it politely, as if to show me up as I gobble messily at my eggy delight. He also receives a glare.

      "So, whaddo I get paid?" I venture, jumping out of the chair and quickly throwing a little lunch into a paper bag.

      "Nothing! That's the thing; these jobs are volunteering," Chair exclaims, as if what she's just declared is something to be excited about. My mouth drops open in rage, but it's useless to argue, 'cause Chair just doesn't take no for an answer. Moodily, I swing open the door.

      "Hang on, there, eager beaver!" Chair calls.

      "Chair... beavers are just a myth; they don't exist, just like the RealWorld." Sedgee laughs, for the Cybunny has just entered the kitchen.

      "Anyhow, Akats, don't leave yet. We're all walking together there."

      Ugh, as if I needed any more convincing that this was the worst day ever. I bare my teeth and go outside anyway, though I wait on the step.

      Before long Sedgee comes and joins me.

      "This is the life, eh, bro'? We might even get to figure out what careers we want when we grow up!" Sedgee giggles nervously, obviously unsure of my response.

      I shrug. Frankly, I'm not gonna have a job when I grow up, so I couldn't care less. I cast another look through the window, longingly, at the Neovision screen, but when Chair and Suni exit the house I go along with them.

      "We're going to drop you off first, Akats," Suni says. He thinks he's in charge, that brother of mine. He's very wrong, but if my behavior is good I might be able to stop Chair from making me go again. So I stay silent.

     "He's just angry," I hear Suni whispering to Chair. "Ignore him." If only she would!

      Then we arrive at the Marketplace and I grudgingly stride up to the Soup Kitchen. Gosh, it's early, with the sun not even up yet, but there's a long line.

      I walk inside. "So, you're my little helper today?" the Soup Faerie asks sweetly. I half-nod. She tosses me a ladle and concentrates on dumping some weirdo type of soup into a little Blumaroo's bowl. "Call me Ivy," the Soup Faerie whispers.

      I didn't know she had a real name before. This is odd. I shrug and look halfheartedly at the ladle, then pull up a container of just-made soup. "New line over here!" I yell.

      A huge amount of neopets run up to me.

      "Whoa, single-file, single-file... chill!" I order. They scurry obediently into a little line, and I grin; my order is their command. A baby Chia waddles up to me.

      "Um... sir..."

      "Hang on, you're a baby! And you're telling me you don't have enough neopoints to getcha own food? Baby is an expensive color," I mutter.

      His eyes fill with tears. "Ummmm... Rayz used all of our neopoints on the brush, and now me and my sissy have to... get soup..."

      A yellow JubJub jumps up next to her little brother. "Treat Jayke with respect!" she demands. I roll my eyes.

      "Little girl, I got the soup here, you want it or not?" I say. Jayke nods vigorously, but the JubJub sighs.

      "C'mon, Cassy, I'm hungry," begs Jayke, and she gives in. I spoon the soup into their cups.

      "Why is there a piece of dung floating in my soup?" asks Jayke.

      "For Pete's sake, just eat the soup!" I exclaim, thoroughly exasperated.

      "Who's Pete?" Jayke questions, eyeing me wearily. I sigh and remove the dung, and he leaves happily.

      Cassy glares at me. "Why didn't you give me any soup?"

      "What?" Then I look inside. "Silly kid, that's invisible soup. Haven't you ever been here before?"

      She looks insulted. "No... we've always been rich."

      All the more reason for me to loathe this uncool JubJub. Rich neopets are to be envied. "Look, just drink it!"

      She hastily tips the cup to her mouth and sips the invisible soup. Then - oh, thank goodness - she leaves.

      The rest of my day passes in a blur. There are all kinds lining up, and I have to chase away those with more than three-thousand. It is the end of the day when a green Cybunny hops up.

      "Hi... I'm Linus, me am!" she tells me. I roll my eyes.

      "Well... Linus, you have 3001 neopoints! I can't give you soup! Unless..." - my eyes grow shifty - "you give me all of your money and whatever items you are carrying."

      Linus grabs her neopoints and hands them to me, and then gives me a whole cheese pizza, along with a Darigan peophin plushie. I smirk and give her a large helping of soup, and refill it five times before bidding her good-bye.

      Then another green Cybunny hops up. "Hey, Akats, time to go! Suni and Chair are waiting."

      I nod, gripping my new treasures and holding them behind my back. I thrust a cup of soup at Sedgee, and then I drink some myself. Finally I wave to Ivy, telling her I am leaving, and then follow my sister as we walk home.

      "Have a plushie, Sedgee," I say, and hand her the peophin plushie. She squeals in delight.

      "So... so. How was volunteering, Akats?" Chair asks.

      I think for a minute. "Uncool. The soup receivers can be really ignorant. But I guess it was okay. I don't have to go tomorrow, do I?" I add in a rush.

      "Tomorrow?" Chair just laughs. "I signed you up for all summer!"

      "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

      Sedgee grins. This will be fun, won't it, Akats?"

      "Yeah. Great. We'll have the time of our uncool lives," I grimly mutter.

      Then I remember how the soup receivers followed my orders. I grin.

      Ya know, this summer will be the perfect time to start taking over the world.

The End

Suni, Akats, and Sedgee are my side account pets. =D

 
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