KNOW Your Owner!
Trotting up green-carpeted stairs, a Darigan Moehog stealthily sneaks across
the landing and peeks into a room. Inside is a rather untidy office; papers are
strewn about in a distinctly unordered fashion, pens are lumped together in piles
here and there, and a box of unsharpened pencils lies half-open on the floor.
The Moehog smiles – the office is empty, which means he can enter and toy around
with his owner’s precious writing utensils without getting in trouble. He glances
around the landing one last time before entering.
The Moehog grins to himself as he enters the office, being careful not to crunch
any papers lying on the floor with his hooves. He takes a pen from one of the
disordered piles between his teeth and rummages through half-written on sheaves
of paper before he finally finds four blank pages. With a mischievous chuckle,
he settles down on the floor and writes the following:
I’ve traveled through a bunch of places in Neopia – I mean, a bunch
of places! (I have one of those uberly eccentric owners who likes to drag her
pets off on boring trips so she can ‘pursue knowledge.’) Because of my owner’s
weirdness, I’ve had the opportunity to find out how real owners treat
their pets, and, to my surprise (not!), I’ve found out not all owners treat
their pets like they should. Oh, yeah, sure, there are some awesome ones – they
buy their pets gifts, celebrate their birthdays, and treat them as virtual kings
and queens! But then there are others – not as bad as my owner (but almost)
– who are just terrible to us!! They’re so wrapped up in everything they need
to do they can barely remember to feed us, let alone celebrate our birthdays
or remember to buy us presents! What cruel twist of fate can own up to this
terrible misdeed?! WHY am I doomed to deal with an owner like RW, who. . .
Okay . . . end rant. Anyways, I have come up with a way to identify which owners
are bad and which owners are good (using my owner as a prime example of what
an owner should not be). All you have to do, my fellow downtrodden pets,
is to read the scenario described and choose the answer that most suits your
owner. Hopefully, you don’t have an owner who engages in stupid activities (like
writing, for instance) or who is a totally spaced-out, absent-minded nitwit
(*cough* RW *cough*), but we’ll see, okay? And don’t worry – if you do, I have
some very deep, far-reaching advice for you at the end of the test. (Oh yeah
– for those of us who have a lower IQ than others – remember to write down
which answer you chose.)
1. Let’s start with dinner time, assuming your owner actually remembers
to feed you, of course. You’re ravenously hungry after doing what all Neopets
do best – lounging around the house and playing with their Clockwork Asparaguses
all day. Running wildly to the dinner table, you find that your owner has:
1. Spent hours preparing a gourmet meal, complete with rarity 99 items for
your awesome worshipfulness.
2. Has laid out either very inexpensive or dirt cheap (as in, one Neopoint
stuff) food in a modest but relatively tasty meal.
3. You don’t even get a meal!! When you run to the table, anticipating a
loaf of bread cooked with a cup of love, you find your owner has prepared
not a meal, but a suitcase. You’re off to the Neolodge, my friend, where your
owner gets to save big points and you get nothing.
2. Amongst owners who never celebrate birthdays, this one can be a real
problem. Let’s say you’re in a clothing store, picking out school clothes (even
the stingiest of owners have to get you school clothes!). You shoot directly
for your favorite section – whatever is cool to you – and your owner:
1. Follows you to that section and listens to your suggestions. Your owners
gladly buys you exactly what you want and even tosses in a few cool key chains
for your collection!
2. Your owner follows you to the section you like, listens to your suggestions,
but then drags you off to one of those nasty cheap stores to find something
less expensive. Grrrr . . . when will owners realize it’s not that you’re
dressed nicely that matters, it’s how much you spend?! Don’t they remember
what it was like to be pets??
. . . never mind
3. You never even get to your section! Instead, your owner scoops you up
and coddles you in his/her arms and carries you around the store to HIS/HER
favorite section. Can you guess which section that is? Oh, yes, my poor, fellow
Neopet, you have been doomed to endure the agony of the baby section! No stylish
clothes for you, just baby blues and cutesy pinks. Ugh!
3. For the sake of argument, let’s suggest that your owner has bought
you a present. I know that, though this may come as a shock to some, a few blessed
owners actually do shower heavenly gifts upon their pets from time to
time. Imagine the present your owner would give you. Visualize it in your mind
until you can almost reach out and touch it. That’s it . . . good . . . okay.
What is the present?
1. A Dark Battle Duck.
2. A Rubber Ducky (well . . . at least it kinda looks like a Dark Battle
Duck . . .).
3. A Toy Sailboat. Not a Super Toy Sailboat, just a Toy Sailboat. Just
a Toy Sailboat.
4. Most owners like to go on vacation every once in awhile. Some prefer
nature, but others prefer urban places. Whichever your owner prefers, the final
decision is usually chosen as a family. During this important decision making
process, your owner:
1. Sits down with you to decide where to go. He/she pulls out maps and lays
them before you with all sorts of brochures and details about each place to
stay. After a time of going back and forth with different ideas and suggestions,
you and your owner emerge, having just created the perfect vacation.
2. Stubbornly insists on the cheaper places to go and stay. Your vacation
ends up not being all that spectacular, but it still looks like a decently
3. Your owner doesn’t even bother including you in the planning process.
In fact, you don’t even get to go! Nope, your owner decides to tramp off and
go observe some dumb wild Sauropods in the jungles of Tyrannia all by her
lonesome! (Not that you would ever want to go watch some boring lizards!)
In fact, your owner leaves in such a hurry, she forgets to leave you keys
to the house and you end up locked outside for a week!
. . . uhh . . . you just don’t get to go, okay? None of that really happened
to me . . . really. (*hint* articles, issue 136)
5. Your owner has had a rough day. Everything seems to have gone wrong,
and now he/she is sitting on the couch trying to sort things out. You, being
the wonderful, awesome pet that you are, go over to him/her and try to cheer
him/her up. Hopping on the couch and curling up next to your owner, your owner
1. Discussing the problem with you. You two try to work it out, and whether
or not you’re able to come up with a solution, you both feel a lot better
2. Hugging you and shrugging off the problem when you ask about it. This,
apparently, isn’t something pets should have to worry about.
3. Stares off into space, thinking about his/her problem. When you nudge
them, they absent-mindedly begin scratching your head, but because his/her
brains are somewhere other than the present, he/she scratches harder than
normal and doesn’t stop. In other words, your owner attempts to bore a hole
in your head via scratching.
6. Every Neopian unit has family activities, right? Right. Okay, so,
you’ve just gotten home from Neoschool, and before you can so much as dump your
backpack beside the door, your owner:
1. Greets you happily and asks you how you would like to go pick out a brand
2. Pulls board games from the closet and gathers your siblings (if you have
any) for ‘family game night’.
3. Runs up to you in a near panic and gets down in his/her knees, begging
you to help with several tasks he/she has been procrastinating that have to
be done by tomorrow – “or else.” (Let’s just say not all of RW’s your owner’s
contacts are reputable.)
7. You and your owner are outside enjoying the great outdoors and playing
games (I can’t think of any owner who doesn’t like games – even the stingy ones
like them because they give out Neopoints!). How much attention does your owner
pay to you? Does your owner:
1. Tend to your every whim, going everywhere you please, and buy you snacks
along the way?
2. Make you play the more high-yield games despite the fact your favorite
game happens to be a low-yield game?
3. Completely forgets about you and starts conducting interviews with other
pets for an article about the adverse effects of Destruct-O-Match?
8. Suppose you and your owner are crossing on a ferry from Terror Mountain
to Mystery Island. I know that’s a long ways for a ferry, but just suppose,
okay? You’re enjoying yourself along the edges of the ferry when suddenly you
slip and fall in the water. Splashing around in terror (assuming you’re not
a water pet, of course) and screaming for help, your owner:
1. Dives to your rescue. (Hopefully your owner can swim, eh? I know they
say that “it’s the thought that counts,” but not in this case!)
2. Immediately gets help. The ferry is stopped, and everyone onboard gets
to witness your rescue as some valiant person scoops you out of the water
and delivers you to your owner’s arms.
3. Sorry, pal. Your owner doesn’t even realize you’ve fallen over. Rather,
he/she is staring out at the endless sea, writing poetry about eternity (Hey!
That rhymes!). It’s some other brave person who gets your owners attention
and then rescues you.
9. After you’re nearly left behind out in the ocean and your owner is
holding you on the ferry, the first thing you owner says to you is:
1. “Thank Adam you’re alright! I don’t know what I would have done if anything
had happened to you!”
2. “Dear me, I’m so glad you’re okay – but don’t go near the side of the
ferry again, okay? Let’s not risk repeating what just happened!”
3. “Dude! Where’d you learn to swim like that?!”
10. Okay – last one – You and your owner are on a trip through the winding
corridors of the Space Station. After awhile, you find yourselves lost and need
to get directions. Approaching a robot Jetsam, your owner gets directions to
wherever it is you’re going. While following those instructions, your owner:
1. Pays specific attention to detail and navigates perfectly to your destination.
2. Has you help him/her keep reciting the directions, “Right, right, second
left, third right . . .” Eventually, you two find your way.
3. Can’t seem to remember which direction is which and jumbles the instructions
together. Since your owner is completely prespositionally impaired, you and
your owner are hopelessly lost, and have to find someone willing to be your
guide before you are able to arrive at your destination.
Alrighty, you had better have kept track of what your owner would have done
in these scenarios, because now you need to add up those answers. Compare your
total with the scales I’ve made below. Make sure you follow my advice
for each owner! It’ll help you – believe me!
10-15: Your owner is teh awesomeness! Always attentive to your needs,
and going totally all-out for you, your owner just plain rocks. Wanna trade?
My advice to you: Don’t ever, ever complain again! Do you know how rare
it is to have an owner like that?! Why, if I had an owner like that, I’d . .
. I’d . . . okay, I dunno what I’d do. But you get the picture, okay? Enjoy!
16-25: Okay, so you’re owner is practical and sensible . . . oh well.
We can’t all have owners who’ll do anything we want. You’ll live.
My advice to you: Just deal with it, okay? At least your owner cares
for you and wants the best, even if he/she doesn’t always understand. You’ll
26-30: Let’s face it, your owner is an absent-minded weirdo! He/she
might care about you, but has a uniquely annoying way of showing it. These owners
My advice to you: Run. Anywhere. Even if it’s into the wall. Just .
. . run.
The Darigan Moehog starts as a creak is heard out on the landing. He hastily
tosses the pen back into its old pile and half folds, half crumbles the leafs
of paper and stuffs them into his pocket. He hides his shock as the door to the
office creaks open. There before him stands his owner, ResurrectedWarrior. She
looks at him curiously and asks, “Gelrelt, what are you doing in here?”
Gelrelt rises to his hooves. “Writing,” he replies gruffly.
“Writing?” RW repeats optimistically, “Really? What about?”
The Moehog shrugs, “You.”
“Oh, how sweet! Can I see what you wrote?”
“No!” Gelrelt snaps. He walks past RW and out onto the landing. “I’m going
RW sighs, “Fine. Just don’t be out too long.”
Without another word, the Darigan Moehog trots down the stairs. He takes another
pen from the dining room table and scribbles an address on the back of the first
page and makes his way to the Neopian Post Office. With a grim chuckle he seals
the pages together and slips them into the OUT OF THIS WORLD box, off to the