The Villain's Guide to Being Taken Seriously
To the aspiring young villain,
Being evil is not as easy as you think. No, I'm serious. Have you ever tried? And I don't mean cheating on a math test. That's naughty. I mean trying to take over the world. That's evil.
Does your owner coo when you tell them you're taking over the world? Do your classmates think you're funny? Do your teachers tell you you'll make a wonderful citizen someday? Does your petpet, *shudder*, think you're cuddly?
If you have answered yes to any of these questions, you need serious help. So here I have attempted to compose your basic guide to rising from anonymous to infamous.
Cackle. You have to get the cackle down pat before you do anything else. This is vital. Here's why.
Suppose you're walking down the street and someone trips you. You stand up and start yelling at them, and they hotly deny having tripped you. You are annoyed, because you know for a fact that they did trip you.
However, suppose you are walking down the street and someone trips you. You stand up, but before you can yell, they trip you again. And then they cackle. Your reaction now is to run away before they trip you again, because this person is clearly crazy.
Now, whom do you fear more? Someone who denies being mean, or someone who boldly admits it? The second, of course!
Means. Not as in evilness. As in the means to get what you want. Aka... neopoints. Being a villain costs money. You have to pay to advance in levels, to buy weapons and evil clothing, to furnish your evil lair, to purchase minions, and other various expenses. These things aren't free.
For a start, try bullying little Neoschool goers into giving you their lunch money. This instills terror which spreads to their classmates. If you do this just right, you will eventually have everyone shoving their money at you and running, which is a real time saver.
However, picking on little children is more naughty than evil, so try to pass through this stage quickly. Hopefully, you have earned enough to purchase at least one evil minion, and you can make him do the work from here.
If not, you can force your owner to slave away at games, and then take the rewards. Or perhaps you can rob the National Neopian, although it's extremely risky if you have no minions, scapegoats, or alibis. Some pesky staff member made a game out of who can catch the most robbers, and Neopians swarm by the thousands to protect that place. Wouldn't it be embarrassing if your very own owner caught you in the act? Not sure how much good your cackle would do in a situation like that. *shudders* Pretty humiliating.
Minions. First thing to buy is a minion. That way he/she/it can earn your neopoints for you in the future.
But minion-shopping is a long and tiresome process. You can't find them in shops or trades or auctions. You must recruit them.
One way is stealing them from another villain. Because villains are a bit selfish, this can be dangerous. If you choose this method, I suggest picking a villain who has so many minions, he won't notice ten or so going missing. To steal a minion, go to visit the villain. Due to extreme wickedness and cruelty, he's bound to keep you waiting. While you wait, strike up a conversation with one of the guards. Pretend sympathy when he gripes and complains about how low his pay is and how the Pant Devil doesn't even give them holiday breaks. Slyly comment on how much better YOUR minions get paid and how they get weeks off at a time. This is, of course, radically untrue. You can't afford to give your minions breaks. And if possible, try to avoid paying them. Once the minion switches loyalties, they can't go back, because evil villains do not accept deserters. See what an evil thing you've just done?
Or maybe you could just kidnap Neopets and brainwash them into serving you. That always works. See Dr. Sloth's Book of Love for more information on brainwashing.
A third method, and my personal favorite, is bullying people into serving you. This saves the cost of paying them and the time of brainwashing them. However, it does require a good deal of evilness to keep them in submission.
But keep in mind: you are not limited to these three ways! Use some of your evil genius to invent more.
Brains. Every evil mastermind must have... a master mind. So work on your brainstorming. If perhaps you find talking to yourself productive, go right ahead. Wicked mutterings make others concerned for your mental state of health, and insane villains are the most infamous.
What to brainstorm about? UH! As if you didn't know. Being more evil than anyone alive, that's what! How best to take over the world, how to ruin your sister's birthday party, how to steal your neighbor's lollipop, and how to get out of detention or put your enemy in detention.
Evil Lair. For appearance's sake, you must have an evil lair. It's the villain's office. I don't really care how you acquire one. You should probably find some old cave and dress it up.
The real problem is making it evil. Whatever you do, don't, don't don't, don't, let any females enter the cave, except as captives, unless, of course you are a female. In that case, go consult Jhudora on lair décor.
But for the male mastermind, the lair must be a rough and wicked place. No frills or bright colors or anything. Stick to dark colors, black preferably. You might hang portraits of your role models (Sloth, Pant Devil, Boochi) about the place, or perhaps a picture of your arch nemesis that you can throw darts at.
Perhaps you should add a prison cell, where you can hold captives and taunt them. For an authentic look, add a few bones and rats to the cell. This is sure to send chills up your prisoners' spines. Also try importing some Spyders and cobwebs.
The most essential piece is the evil throne. Every villain needs his own special seat. You might want to capture AAA and steal his floating chair (which is probably the idea behind his whole imprisonment, anyway), or perhaps invent one of your own. The chair needs to have two qualities: It must be scary and comfortable. It's not very satisfying to cackle at prisoners if you are just as uncomfortable as they are, now is it?
The final touch you need to add is a secret entrance. More than one, possibly. Not only is it evil, but it keeps enemies from tracking you down easily and prisoners from escaping.
Arch Nemesis. Last but not least, every villain needs a "good guy" to loathe and plot against. To acquire an enemy is a sign that you are so powerful, the good guys are getting worried. I can't help you get one of these. It depends entirely on your own merit.
Well, there you have it. Follow this guide, and you'll go from anonymous to infamous in a matter of weeks.
Now pardon me while I go plot the fall of Neopia.
Good Bad luck,
P.S. Any comments on my name, and I will have my minions after you in a trice.
My very first NT submission. Comments and criticism welcomed.