teh 1337est n00zpaper Circulation: 176,434,818 Issue: 340 | 25th day of Eating, Y10
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

How to Bathe a Kadoatie

by resurrectedwarrior


They’re sassy. They’re dainty. They’re picky. But even the most imperious Kadoatie gets a little stinky.

Yes, your beloved Kadoatie, the very icon of haughty petpets, reeks after a while, no matter how much self-grooming it may do. But how do you get a pompous petpet like a Kadoatie let you squish and squash shampoo into its delicate pelt? That, my friends, is what this guide is all about.

The first step is premeditation—er, I mean, preparation. This cannot be some ordinary, common bathing experience. You must entice your feline, you must persuade it! Tempt! Allure! Draw! Coax! Make the bath so enticing that it cannot help but leap paws first into your meticulously prepared tub!

So, whaddya do? Nothing speaks of love better than money, honey. Let’s get out there and go SHOPPING!!

Now. What do we need first? Shampoo, of course! But what kind of shampoo? Whatever you do, do not get that regular, boring Shampoo bottle. Everything about that item screams tacky! Get something that appeals to your Kadoatie’s sense of well-being. There’s Herbal Shampoo, even Super Shiny Shampoo. Or, if you really want to please your Kadoatie by puffing up its ego, go with the Superstar Shampoo.

Think we’re ready to leave the store? Oh, no! We’ve still gotta get conditioner (and you can never go wrong with the Pebeanjay Flower Conditioner, by the way), Hair-Gel, Hair Spray, Fyora Nail Clippers, nail varnish (yours truly prefers Gothic Korbat Nail Varnish, but Daisy Nail Varnish works as well), and a Double Dryer!

If you don’t have a petpet tub yet, you need to get one. Personally, I think the Brick Petpet Bath Tub is the coolest. I mean, think! You can warm it up by the fire so that the bathwater stays warmer for longer. This, product is excellent for easily-chilled Kadoaties. The only problem is this: what if your poor Kadoatie scratches itself on those bricks? I mean, yeah, you could sue the manufacturer, but that wouldn’t help your Kadoatie. Hmmm. Maybe you should go with the White Petpet Bath Tub. Whatever you do, though, don’t get the Feepit Petpet Bath Bucket. We want to bathe our Kadoaties, not insult them.

Okay. I think we’re done shopping. Let’s get back to your Neohome.

Now it’s time to lay everything out. Remember what I said earlier. Entice! Coax! Persuade! Arrange everything with aesthetics foremost in your mind. Oh, and don’t even think about filling the tub with water from the tap or the well! You had better use filtered water! Or, better yet, use bottled. And make it warm. You don’t want to freeze your poor little feline friend, do you?

Are you ready to go get your Kadoatie? Good! ‘Cause everything’s ready!

If you’ve laid out the bathing components with absolute perfection, it’s quite likely that your Kadoatie will comply with proper bathing procedure. However, as unfortunate as it may be, 98% of Kadoaties will find some flaw in all the preparatory work you’ve put into this delightful event. The rest of this guide is for those Kadoatie owners.

Since you haven’t gotten to the Kadoatie’s claws yet, you’ll need some special protection. I suggest Sinsis Gauntlets, but Spacial Galactic Gloves are also quite protective (note: if you’re a species with thick scales, you can skip this part). Depending on the ferocity of your Kadoatie, you may also need a coat of armor, but let’s not go overboard for now.

Go catch your Kadoatie. You might have to set a trap with your Sturdy Petpet Cage, but that might be a little cruel and you could end up losing your petpet’s trust. We don’t want to do that, now do we? And don’t even think about tying the poor creature up to avoid scratches! That’s what the armored gloves are for, silly!

You may need to call a sibling to help get the Kadoatie in the tub, since they tend to sprawl their limbs out and keep you from pushing them in. You also might need someone to help lather up their coat, since you’ll probably be busy avoiding claws. Hopefully you’re not giving it a Zytch-bath! That’d be a much more long and drawn-out process than what this article is geared for.

Since you’ve already infuriated your petpet, you might as well make it worse before you make it better! Get out those Fyora Nail Clippers and trim those nails! Make sure not to go too close to the cuticle, since that actually causes physical pain. We’re not out to torture, just bathe!

Okay. Now try calming your sudsy feline down. Try singing, if that’s what your Kadoatie likes. Rub its ears just the way it likes! Make fake purring sounds. Call in a professional masseuse/masseur to get those rage-filled muscles relaxed and happy again. Promise to spend ten thousand neopoints on it for every minute of cooperation. Any of these things may work, or you might have to think up something new on your own. You, after all, are the person who lives with your Kadoatie—you should know it better than anyone else!

Are you done shampooing? How about Conditioner? How’d rinsing go? Have you gotten rid of that nasty Kadoatie-stink that prompted this whole fiasco in the first place? If there’s anything else that you want to do, now is the time to do it (because we’re done bathing). Maybe there’s some perfume you have around that you want to use. Maybe there’s a spare bottle of dy—no. I wouldn’t even suggest that. Only color your petpet with paint brushes; there’s no telling what might happen otherwise!

After you’ve done whatever extras you wanted, it’s time to let the Kadoatie out of the bath water. But you want to do more than just let the petpet bolt out of the water and go sulk. I mean, that’s always fun to watch and stuff, but, really, we need to work on reconciliation (unless you want your Kadoatie to hate you for the rest of your life).

I recommend sending for a towel. A nice, plush, warm towel. Preferably in your Kadoatie’s favorite color. Wrap the towel around your Kadoatie (with paws in! Even though they’re freshly clipped, they can still scratch) and go sit down. Help the Kadoatie clean itself—it’ll insist on grooming itself almost immediately. Don’t let your petpet go until it’s reasonably calmed down.

It might take a couple weeks to fully reconcile. Maybe months, but that’s only in extreme cases. Gifts always help speed the process along! Maybe an Electric Petpet Condo. Or a Regal Purple Petpet Cushion. Or a Jewelled Collar—I would go with the Jewelled Battle Collar or the Ixi Deluxe Gold Collar (who cares if it’s for Ixi! It’s gold!!). Maybe you could set up a birdhouse near your Neohome so that your Kadoatie has new “friends” to “play” with. Or get a Petpet Scratching Tree so murderous rage can be directed somewhere other than you!

Above all else, though, be nice. Stroke, love, hug. All those things that you wanted to do when you first became a Kadoatie owner. Eventually, you’ll win your Kadoatie back, even though you may get a few random scratches here and there!

And the best part is this: No more Kadoatie stink!!

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


Not Just Your "Average" Abode
Do neohomes really matter? How can anyone POSSIBLY win the Neohome Spotlight? Well, let me tell you...

by flamesbball


Apprentice to Evil: Part Two
Grabbing a small satchel in which he stored his supply of sugar, Meti dashed out the door, headed for the streets of Mystery Island...

Also by chivo

by anjie


Shoyru Adventures: Kyu Catches Neomonia pt.5
*cough cough*

by lawrence_189


Unadventurous Adventures: Everything for the flowers
What lovely flowers...

Art by invalid_character

by water_park1993

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.